My house of cards has come crashing down

mountainofdebt

Oh Gawd - where to begin.

As you know we have a mountain of debt and until tonight hubby was unaware of the scale of things.

For some reason, he decided that he wanted to go through everything financial and now that he has done he is absolutely furious and shocked at the amount that we owe.

He's gone to bed and I know he's upset as well as being angry (putting it mildly) with me....in fact coupled with other things he's barely talking to me as I have messed up those things well and truely for him

I'm not sure why I'm posting - I guess I need to 'talk' to someone who won't be judgemental - but if anyone was in a similar boat I'd be glad to hear how they dealt with the fallout and how their relationship developed.

TTMCMschine

I'm probably not the best person to give advise because I'm the one who usually acts like your husband has just done, but then again I do have a wife who keeps on doing totally stupid things. Like after I'd told her to keep a cap on spending within our new business & to make sure she knew how much money she was spending as cash flow was tight she promptly went out & spent £1000 in the next 2 days & didn't have a clue how much she'd spent.

My advise is that he wants you to know how angry he is (you obviously do), & he's going to stew & simmer over it until he calms down, which will probably be tomorrow teatime since he's still going to want you to know how angry he is tomorrow breakfast time.

If you speak to him he'll blow a gasket & start shouting again to let you know how angry he is, but if you don't say anything he'll think you don't know how angry he is & start shouting again to make sure you do know how angry he is.

Best bet is to give him some space tonight, & then tomorrow act all meek & humble with your head down & quietly say that you know he's angry & you know he wants some space & to whisper feebly "I'm sorry."

That should do the trick, blokes are a sucker for a damsel in distress, & by tomorrow teatime he'll be talking rationally to you again.

boredofbeingathome

It is usually me worrying about bills and OH spending. I am not judging though as we are all reponsible for how we behave and act.
Did he have no credit cards? Does he have no household bills, or have to find a way to put food on the table? etc.
I don't know the full circumstances, but there are always clues and he probably was exhibiting a touch of the, 'head in the sand job', about it all.
I also suspect that you have been up nights worrying about it all as well.
Hopefully he will calm down, stop blaming and help you figure out a plan of action.
CHIN UP..ONWARDS AND UPWARDS, IT WILL GET BETTER.
Bob x

mountainofdebt

Trouble is that I have really mucked up other things big time which has the potential of major implications for his business, so coupled with this .....I honestly don't think he will be talking to me rationally by next week let alone tomorrow tea time.

boredofbeingathome

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Trouble is that I have really mucked up other things big time which has the potential of major implications for his business, so coupled with this .....I honestly don't think he will be talking to me rationally by next week let alone tomorrow tea time.

In what way?

boredofbeingathome

Ok, do you have a business adviser who can help you with a plan to get out of this?

mountainofdebt

I used to do the accounts for his business and when things got too much for me instead of saying something I tried to swim when I was obviously drowning.

So the VAT got forgot about and the PAYE got forgot about and the bear minimum got done - as a result the accounts are in a mess and he's got the VAT man and the PAYE man chasing him.

So you see this is the proverbal icing on the cake.

TTMCMschine

I've analysed my own behaviour when I've acted like this, & the really odd thing when you get to the nitty gritty, is that you don't want your other half to just leave you alone, what you REALLY want is for them to acknowledge that they've done something wrong & that they appreciate what it means to you, & that they're sorry.

Obviously you can't just say "okay then" so you persist with the shouting & sulking to drive the point home - otherwise its kind of like you've lost, in an infantile manlike way.

If you really just left him alone it would make him feel like you don't care about him, & that he's alone, which would make him feel vulnerable.

I think you're better off just playing along until he's ready to act normally, but it shouldn't take long unless he's even more stubborn than I am.

It would be interesting to get an update on how he's acting tomorrow.

epsilondraconis

If you look on the bright side, you no longer have to cope with this on your own. I had a look to see if I could find the other threads you have produced in relation to this debt, but because of the cr*p MSE search facility, or my inability to find the best way to search, I wasn't able to read your background situation.

I'd be suprised if this debt was solely down to you. Okay, yes he is angry with you at the moment, but he will also be angry with himself and with the situation in general. As the previous poster indicated, you will be on the receiving end of it for a while.

By the looks of your username and details, you've be on MSE for a while and so you can at least show your hubby how you have gone about dealing with this debt. Its not just a case that you have buried your head in the sand.

Hope all goes okay. Chin up eh. Things always seem worse at night...

boredofbeingathome

Are these for employees or your husband? Things can be backdated and arrangements come to. He will need to sit down with them and talk asap. Was he using you as a way to claim VAT off the bill, as you can claim accountants bills anyway. Is it worth going to a high street accountant and getting him to have a quick squizz over the accounts?

mountainofdebt

Yeap I've been on MSE for a while now - I think that's why he's so angry he's had no idea we were in this mess - he actually thought we were quite well off - and I can't really show him my postings as he will get even angrier that I've been speaking to strangers about it but not him.

The PAYE is for the employees - I know the legal score on that one - if only I could turn the clock back and I'd never offer to do the books etc for him.

I meant to add he already has an accountant but I really haven't had much to do with him so I don't know what he's like. (Apparently he used to be a tax inspector so hopefully will know some way out of this mess)