How do you cope with not seeing your OH often?

LillyJ

Sunflower2007 wrote: »

You guys sound so happy together. Yeah, I love seeing how excited my OH is when he's showing me his new track or his new lyrics. He really really loves music, performing, singing, playing guitar etc. It's in his heart and I could and never would change that. I guess I'm looking for assurance that it can be ok, and just advice on dealing with it best. I think things would be easier if we lived together (we're looking to move in together in the near future)...that way even if he's busy in the studio all evening at least he comes home to me!
p.s. we're gonna do a 3 month trip from Egypt to Cape town in 2010! What trip did you do?

We are very happy, thank you!
There is no reason why it can't work out, a few years back we went to universities 3 hours apart!
Wow egypt to cape town, that is long. I have travelled quite a bit in Africa but never that far. I did some work with a charity that I know the owner of in Zambia (in a clinic - I work for the NHS in England so I was involved in the set up and management - I have been to the same clinic a number of times) then went round south africa. SA is an amazing place and I would move there if I could. I absolutely loved it!

Stephb1986_2

Hi i had the same problem with my OH well we're on a break at the moment!

we started seeing eachother and it got to 3-4 days in the week and all weekend since christmas he's started nights so i only see him at the weekend it really hit me hard that i couldnt see him during the week. Ive sort of got use to it now but we still have rows at the weekend and thats why we're on a break

Im sure things will work out!

Steph xx

floss2

Sunflower2007 wrote: »

I think I was probably upset because I realised that this is most likely how it's gonna be. He's so happy with his music and he's helped me rediscover my passion for music as I've been 'neglecting' my instruments over the last few years.
I've never actually started thinking about how its gonna be with a baby and him busy with his music. I do believe that if it comes down to it, he would make time for children - although he would also make time for his music too.
We spoke about priorities before, and he said he's gonna try and find a balance - but that I must understand that music is his passion. And I do. It's the first time I've ever felt like this. I wonder if because of sunday (and me being ill and home alone in his flat), that's set it all off?

I think you are just feeling a bit down after your illness, and thinking too much about "stuff" whilst down isn't always good!

Using me as an example: Me & DF live together, but he is away with his job for about 10 nights a month. That has settled down a lot - when we first met, he was out of the UK for 20weeks of the year, away from home within the Uk for another 10 weeks & only in his own bed for the rest (apart from when he stayed with me ) I also moved away from my home for 30 years & friends and family - granted only 1 hour away, but its a lot after a long day in work when you'll have to do the return journey again either late night or early morning (so can't have a bottle of wine or two!).

We get on great, but when he's away I get lonely, and ring my brothers or my mates for a natter. I don't do that when he's at home. I started a new job where I didn't really get on with anyone, so didn't have a social life of my own. Now, 18months later, I play badminton, I go out with girls from work, I have friends of my own.

I think what I am trying to say is you need to have a life of your own, to fill the spaces between work & life with your OH. You have friends, but you said you hadn't seen them while you have been ill. I think you have felt a little sorry for yourself, as we all do when unwell, and that has brought on these feelings.

When you are 100% better, you need to gradually think about these feelings, and try to work out a balance for both of you, and a balance for your own life, that gives everyone what they need & want - including music & friends!

:grouphug:
Love Floss x

debs66_2

Now this is one i can comment on, because my OH is a musician/sound technician.

i knew when i met him what his job was, but it isn't easy. a member of the band he works with (they work 2 - 4 nights a week all over the country) left a few months ago, mainly because his partner couldn't handle living with the hours and schedule.

my OH left for work at 8.30am this morning, and is working in Scotland tonight. he will be home at 5am - 6am. this isn't unusual, nor is it for him to then get up at 10am the next day and be off at noon for another gig at the other end of the country. it's not a glamorous life, but only musicians know what they get from it.

my partner practically missed my daughter's 18th birthday party (he's brought her up for the last 9 years). he made the last 10 minutes after he raced from Hull after a theatre gig to get there. it was practically all over when he came in. he also misses family events etc, such as a 50th meal recently. this is because most of their work is on a weekend, when most people go out.

i go to most family events on my own, and you do get lonely. i just had to make a life for myself, and i have a couple of close mates that i do lots of things with, from going out into town on a night, to weekends away.

anyone who lives with a muso will also tell you that on their down time, the last thing they want to do is go to a pub or club, because that's the environment they work in, so forget going out socialising with your fella if that's the job he's in. and btw, they NEVER dance! lol

musos operate in a different world, and you have to accept it and make a life for yourself when he's doing his thing... or find someone who lives and works on 'normal' hours.

it can work, but you have to accept his lifestyle and work along side it.

glossgal

OP, why are you stressing about marriage, kids, playing second fiddle to his music career etc etc-you have only been with him a few months!! don't people just chill anymore when they get with a new partner? you should be enjoying each others company, getting to know each other and doing what couples do in the early days. I think you are probably getting carried away with yourself (easily done when you're nuts about someone!) and need to step back. Obviously the further down the line it gets you'll have to think about this seriously if it's going to be a long term relationship but if you start assuming the 'disgruntled misssus' role now you'll be over before you've started

RadoJo

To be honest, I think his main crime is that he isn't a mind reader - he left you ill in bed, and from what you have written there was no discussion about how long he would be at the studio, but you really wanted him to come home early and look after you. Had you said that to him, he might well have cut it short, but he may well also have thought that as you were ill, you would be asleep/not wanting to be disturbed, and stayed out later. Without clear communication, you are asking for trouble when one person wants something specific but would prefer that their partner just 'knew'. It's hard enough when you have been together a long time, but even worse when the relationship is relatively new - for all you know he might be the knid of person who prefers to be on their own when they are ill, and he thought he was doing you a favour!

Similarly with the other example - you said you were cool with it when you weren't so whilst he might have had an inkling something was wrong, he could have put it down to anything, and not considered that you secretly wanted him to put off going to the studio to follow through his plans with you.

My OH is a musician, so I do understand your position, but you have to decide whether you want to be this imaginary perfect girlfriend who never asks for anything, is completely undemanding, and supports him no matter what, or whether you want to say to him 'I am not feeling well, so if you are going to the studio, could you not make it a late one as I will be here all on my tod wanting someone to look after me.' or 'If you are going to be in the studio tonight, could you make sure that you have xxx evening free so we can spend time together.'

You get the relationship you create, you can't expect him to know that you were secretly hoping he would cancel to look after you, expecially this early on in your relationship, so you may have to spell things out a bit more. Him mentioning his exes and saying they 'bothered' him at the studio shouldn't make a jot of difference - I try to avoid ringing OH when he is recording, but if I am worried about something, or need to know what time he's coming home, or something else which genuinely won't wait I send him a text which he can pick up when they are having a break, and won't interfere, but I still get an answer. However, we have discussed it at length, so we both know where we stand - he lets me know if he's going to be longer than expected, I let him know when there is something I really don't want him to miss, and we talk through everything that affects us both.

It sounds to me like you are scared of being seen as a nag, and so are putting your own needs on hold so that you can maintain the image of being 'cool' - a bit of a heart to heart where you reach some agreement about what is acceptable and how to compromise will probably work wonders, and needn't be as heavy as it sounds. Just don't say 'yes' to everything and build up a feeling of resentment without giving him the chance to rectify the matter - it's a lot better to talk about things as they happen than suddenly bring up things from weeks before in the heat of the moment.

Good luck - I'm sure you can work out something which keeps you both happy!

ailuro2

You've known each other a few months but are alreading arguing?

Perhaps you need to ask around amongst your friends to see what they think. They won't be wearing rose tinted specs. Not meant to sound mean, but it's easy not to see a person's bad points in the early stages of romance.:rolleyes:

jackieb

My dh has always worked away from home. When he goes away next month I won't see him for 6 weeks. We've been married for 21 years, so it can work. You get used to it. My routine gets knocked on the head when he first comes home. I do feel like a single parent sometime - i'm sure some people think I am!

harrassedmum

Sit back and read your letter through someone elses eyes. You are looking at your future. He has told you music is no.1, your answers there. You either get used to coming second place for the rest of your relationship, or become that strong independant young woman!!! Sorry to be blunt, but when the sleepless, nappy changing nights come along, where will he be?? I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that you for this time let your head rule your heart, as I have a feeling that if you remain in this realtionship your heart will get broken. Its easy getting over a virus but a broken heart is alot harder to fix. Get together with your girlfriends and I am sure all the support you will need will be found within your relationships with your friends.

yoni_one

Sunflower2007 wrote: »

I've been seeing a guy for the last few months (I broke off a 13 year relationship beginning of the year),

I'm normally an independent person, I've got a good circle of friends and a strong family life (parents+siblings). And I know my OH is too - this is one of the things that attracted me to him, that he was independent and was completely happy to do his own thing when I needed to do my own thing.

My ex use to make me feel guilty when I wanted a girls night out. And I ended up hardly ever going out on my own etc.

Sunflower, for 13 years you had a needy partner, you changed to meet his needs, stopped doing things you liked to do and you broke off it off.

From the timeline you have given it sounds like there was not much time between ending your long term relationship and being swept off your feet in this new one <<<<< is that a fantastic feeling or what??? :j

Your ex's neediness may have been a reason why you broke it off but, after 13 years of it you do become familiar with it and when you are getting the opposite of it you notice it!

From what I can gather now that you have acknowledged a neediness in yourself (and not liking it) you are looking at ways you can manage that feeling as opposed to attempting to make your OH change his behaviour to suit.

Well, at the moment your OH has defined his boundaries and he is getting on with his life while also enjoying a great new relationship, that sounds pretty healthy to me. But it sounds like you are not there yet and at this early stage you have allowed yourself to put him at the centre of everything and work everything else around that.

From the info you have given I believe the horrible feeling you had was the feeling of handing your power over to him (making him responsible for making you feel better) and him rejecting it (not rejecting you but rejecting your power over you).

If any of the above makes sense to anyone apart from me lol, then at this stage I think that for you to get a handle on setting your own boundaries for you (and not around what you think he might want them to be) then its a good start. Currently he is telling you how it needs to be for him in the relationship for it to work and you seem to be respecting it (even if you don't entirely like it), equally now you do the same - and if you find that you are bending to meet his requirements way more than he is doing to meet yours then you could have a problem as this is where resentment comes in (and we go a full circle back to how it was with your ex).

Making sense off this stuff and applying it to yourself is really difficult to do alone so it might help if you seek some relationship counselling (alone) at RELATE to help.

Best wishes, I hope it works out well for you both.

Edit: btw my squeeze of over 2 and a half years lives over 5,000 miles away and we get to be with each other on average for about 10 days every two or three months (but get to 'see' each other pretty much every day on msn webcam). It's not ideal but it is better than not being in the relationship at all.