How do you cope with not seeing your OH often?

Sunflower2007

I've been seeing a guy for the last few months (I broke off a 13 year relationship beginning of the year), and things have been going amazingly well. We connect on such a level and I can't even begin to explain how happy I am that we're on 'the same wavelength'.

I'm normally an independent person, I've got a good circle of friends and a strong family life (parents+siblings). And I know my OH is too - this is one of the things that attracted me to him, that he was independent and was completely happy to do his own thing when I needed to do my own thing. My ex use to make me feel guilty when I wanted a girls night out. And I ended up hardly ever going out on my own etc. I don't live with my OH but I've been staying over at his flat 5 nights out of the week!

When I met my OH I knew he was part of a band, and that he had rehearsals/band practice etc. He is soo passionate abouth is music. And I loved this cos I also play a few instruments as a hobby...although for him, its alot more than that.

BUT lately I've been feeling so needy and I dont know why! I was ill in bed over the weekend and am slowly getting back to health. He was so attentive on sat and really really looked after me - bring me tea/lemsip/orangejuice, cutting up fruit for me, giving me medicine etc etc. Then on sunday we were meant to go to the recording studio for him to record some tracks and I would just watch, but I decided to stay at his flat (remember that I dont live here so the only things i have here are a few clothes), and told him to go ahead without me. I only thought he was gonna be a few hours. But he was there from 2pm and only got home about midnight. Now I knew that when he's recording in a studio - it can be really unpredictable in terms of time...but I really was soo ill in bed, I didnt move from bed at all. Not even to go toilet or get a drink. I was that ill and drained. I had the laptop so was half watching movies the whole time. I was actuallly really really upset with him when he did get home. And I didnt call him at all, cos knew that it would be a major distraction if he was in the middle of a recording. I just wished he knew off his own accord to try and cut the session short. I felt like such a baby, but I couldnt help feeling upset.

Well that was last sunday. And I havent really seen him since (well we work in teh same office, but avoid contact at work because ppl gossip!). I was meant to see him tonight, but he just called and said he has to be back in the studio tonight - which means the WHOLE night so he has to cancel tonight with me. . Now I told him "thats cool", but he knew straight away I wasnt cool and he said that i sound so upset and wished he could do something about it. He said that he's warning me now, that this is his life and its gonna be like this for the rest of his life, cos music is not just a hobby for him. It's his life.

I Love him so so so much. We've already talked about marriage and kids. And we really are so happy with each other.

But now I'm a bit worried if I can cope with this. Do you think maybe cos I've been a bit ill that I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe that its just a quiet week for me (not meeting up with my own girl friends) that Im noticing the loneliness? Shall I just buckle up and try not to be so clingy - this is weird cos it was my OH at the beginning that needed to see me all the time. And now the roles have reversed! Please can anyone advise me on how to cope with this better? I'm sure I'm just being a baby about this. And he's right in the sense that we hav our whole lives ahead of us, and that if I trust him and have faith in our love then thats all that matters. He said I'm feeling like this cos I've got doubt. What do you think?

conradmum

Unfortunately love isn't all that matters. You're getting a glimpse now of what your life would be like if you stay with this man. Now that the first flush of love has passed, he's back to his normal routine - music, music, music. You've said it's his life. Well, that isn't likely to change is it?

You've started to feel lonely and ignored because you're second place to music. This is unlikely to change. If you feel this way now, how do you think you'll feel when you've been looking after a screaming baby alone all night and he comes in and promptly falls asleep?

Sorry, but your relationship sounds as though it's headed for disaster. I'm sure you both love each other very much, but unless you're his number one priority (and I think that's a reasonable expectation when you're in a serious relationship with someone) you're going to be unhappy.

BlondeHeadOn

Hormones and having a virus can both make me feel depressed and very clingy with my OH, and also if I have a quiet week socially. It sounds like you've had at least two of those situations recently, so it is probably not surprising that you are feeling a bit needy. Never underestimate how low a virus can make you feel - I had about of a flu-ey type bug at the end of last year and spent 3 weeks dissolving into tears at the end of it!

I'd cosset yourself a bit, and not rely on your OH. Do you feel feel enough to invite your friends round and have a 'tlc' evening? Even just starting to sort out some social events that don't involve your OH will make you feel better and less dependent.

Lots of hugs, and I hope you are feeling better soon.

:grouphug:

vixarooni

You gotta make the call, can you be with someone where music is there number one passion, and you probably will have to come 2nd pace to it?

findingmyownway

Its a tough call but one you would be better making now than later.

If you feel bad now, when you can make other plans for tonight, How would you feel spending the whole day alone with your baby, looking forward to seeing your OH and getting 5 mins to yourself, and then him callling to say he has to go to the recording studio??

silverbullit

Another clingy girlfriend...there's a surprise...what happened to the independent girl who was happy to 'do her own thing'?

Isn't it ironic that so many women seek to change or extinguish the qualities in a man that attracted them to him in the first place?

Jo_R_2

silverbullit wrote: »

Another clingy girlfriend...there's a surprise...what happened to the independent girl who was happy to 'do her own thing'?

Isn't it ironic that so many women seek to change or extinguish the qualities in a man that attracted them to him in the first place?

This is something that in a way is true, but also you have to think of the nature of a relationship. Relationships are about two people with their own lives, coming together, and how that dynamic works is about compromise. I'm all for people maintaining their lives and interests when they're with a significant other, but I also think it's unrealistic for one or the other to expect to simply carry on as they did when they were single and expect that to be okay, in the context of thinking of a long-term future, marriage, children etc.

But also on the other hand, you do have to give each other space to be your own person...

~daisy~_2

relationships are all about compromise imo

my hub and i dont see each other much

• sun - squash then 5aside footie from about 5 till 9 ish
• mon - gym then pick up daughter from swimming home about 10 ish
• tues - squash home about 9
• weds - trains sons footie team me aerobics both home about 9
• thurs - squash home 9 ish

he goes to the gym and squash straight from work so dont see him inbetween
then i work fri nights and sat and sun till 1 alternate weekends
hub also works a long way from home and leaves at about 5.30am

i dont generally resent how much time we are apart - have the odd moan every couple of months but he works damn hard and its not like hes down the pub or anything

im not sure what to advise really just try and find some kind of compromise that you can both work with
and im sure its being ill that left you feeling a little needy and sorry for yourself

hope your better now

Errata

I wouldn't say you've got doubt, I'd say you met him, fell in love with the peson he is and now you want to change him. Won't work, never does.

Sunflower2007

conradmum wrote: »

Unfortunately love isn't all that matters. You're getting a glimpse now of what your life would be like if you stay with this man. Now that the first flush of love has passed, he's back to his normal routine - music, music, music. You've said it's his life. Well, that isn't likely to change is it?

You've started to feel lonely and ignored because you're second place to music. This is unlikely to change. If you feel this way now, how do you think you'll feel when you've been looking after a screaming baby alone all night and he comes in and promptly falls asleep?

Sorry, but your relationship sounds as though it's headed for disaster. I'm sure you both love each other very much, but unless you're his number one priority (and I think that's a reasonable expectation when you're in a serious relationship with someone) you're going to be unhappy.

I think I was probably upset because I realised that this is most likely how it's gonna be. He's so happy with his music and he's helped me rediscover my passion for music as I've been 'neglecting' my instruments over the last few years.
I've never actually started thinking about how its gonna be with a baby and him busy with his music. I do believe that if it comes down to it, he would make time for children - although he would also make time for his music too.
We spoke about priorities before, and he said he's gonna try and find a balance - but that I must understand that music is his passion. And I do. It's the first time I've ever felt like this. I wonder if because of sunday (and me being ill and home alone in his flat), that's set it all off?

Sunflower2007

BlondeHeadOn wrote: »

Hormones and having a virus can both make me feel depressed and very clingy with my OH, and also if I have a quiet week socially. It sounds like you've had at least two of those situations recently, so it is probably not surprising that you are feeling a bit needy. Never underestimate how low a virus can make you feel - I had about of a flu-ey type bug at the end of last year and spent 3 weeks dissolving into tears at the end of it!

I'd cosset yourself a bit, and not rely on your OH. Do you feel feel enough to invite your friends round and have a 'tlc' evening? Even just starting to sort out some social events that don't involve your OH will make you feel better and less dependent.

Lots of hugs, and I hope you are feeling better soon.

:grouphug:

Thanks!! I do feel much better today than I did a few days ago. I'm back at work today - but not 100% yet!
Hmm you're right I think, I've had one of my best friends cancel on me last night so haven't had any plans this week (I normally see friends every week). But have just texted another of my friend and she's up for going out on friday night. I think maybe, I just need some 'me' time...I think maybe I've just been caught up in this new love that I've forgotten about how I can cope with out him. My goodness I cant believe i miss him. Doh I feel like a 15year old..haha.