How do you cope with not seeing your OH often?

Sunflower2007

vixarooni wrote: »

You gotta make the call, can you be with someone where music is there number one passion, and you probably will have to come 2nd pace to it?

Hmmm that really hit me hard. Thing is I know he really really loves me, and if it came down to it..i.e. in an emergency, or a special occasion, or something. Then he would be there for me. If we had made a plan to do something, or specifically some quality time together than he's never flopped on that. I think maybe I was just feeling sorry for myself. But you're right, I am now completely aware that there will be times his music will come first. I guess we have to make some sacrifices. I am a bit worried, it might get 'worse' though....i.e...see less and less of him the more successful he is. BUT I completely support him and will always back him up. And he knows this.
He says I am first in his life, but that I have to understand that music is very impt to him. Kinda like a joint first. ....lol.

mountainofdebt

My husband is Worshipful Master of his lodge and as such has been out for most fo the week since October.

Only once did I have a go at him and told him that he might have signed up for it but I didn't .

In fairness he has tried to limit the number of times he's been going out and on the odd occassions he's been out alot during the week then he's made the effort to stay home the following week.

In fairness your OH is warning you that he's not prepared to give up or (I would suggest) compromise on the amount of time he devotes to his music.

Only you can decide whether you can cope with that.......

Sunflower2007

findingmyownway wrote: »

Its a tough call but one you would be better making now than later.

If you feel bad now, when you can make other plans for tonight, How would you feel spending the whole day alone with your baby, looking forward to seeing your OH and getting 5 mins to yourself, and then him callling to say he has to go to the recording studio??

Hmmm yeh, I'm sure there will be times when this happens. Argh! As long as its not constantly, I think I will be ok. Cos I'm a professional, so I do tend to work long hours occasionally so we joked that he would be the stay-at-home-dad. I can see a good future with him, just with this recent week, it was kinda like a peek at the future and I didnt really like it. ARgh!

Sunflower2007

silverbullit wrote: »

Another clingy girlfriend...there's a surprise...what happened to the independent girl who was happy to 'do her own thing'?

Isn't it ironic that so many women seek to change or extinguish the qualities in a man that attracted them to him in the first place?

Thanks for hitting me hard with this. I do agree with you to an extent, and the last thing I want to do is change him!! I don't want to change him (it's not what I was after in my OP), I was having a bit of a difficult time dealing with a new feeling of being needy. I've never felt this before, so was unsure of how to deal with it.
Absolutely no way do I want to change him, music is his life, he has such a love and zest for it. It's who he is! I love him and everything about him. I think it just was a bit of a shock to my system that I actually got upset and felt 'abandoned/ignored'. He said to me that one of the things that attracted him to me, was my independency and my knack of being postitive in all situations. Eurgh...maybe i've changed a bit?!?!

LillyJ

My boyfriend is a police man and works shifts which makes seeing him very difficult (and we live together!)

He wasn't a police man when I met him (he was a school kid like I was!) but his job is part of why I love him. He loves it with a passion and has a burning ambition to join OSU (a certain part of the force dealing with public disorder) All that adds up to him being him and I wouldn't change his job for the world.

I also went travelling round africa with a friend for 3 months last year without him. It was hard and we missed each other terribly but it just made us stronger!

Sunflower2007

Jo_R wrote: »

This is something that in a way is true, but also you have to think of the nature of a relationship. Relationships are about two people with their own lives, coming together, and how that dynamic works is about compromise. I'm all for people maintaining their lives and interests when they're with a significant other, but I also think it's unrealistic for one or the other to expect to simply carry on as they did when they were single and expect that to be okay, in the context of thinking of a long-term future, marriage, children etc.

But also on the other hand, you do have to give each other space to be your own person...

It's funny you should say this - we were actually talking about this 2 weeks ago. Cos he's very independent, he's never had to 'answer' to anyone before....well not answer to, but you know what I mean. He said he's not use to thinking as a couple, but he's embracing the whole relationship and our closeness and learning to compromise better with each other better too. For example, if his friends invite us both out - he now checks with me first if I want to go (p.s. if i dont go, he is ok to go without me!)...at the beginning he'd just say yes or no for the both of us without letting me know! Silly things like that, but things that are a bit impt I think.

Sunflower2007

~daisy~ wrote: »

relationships are all about compromise imo

my hub and i dont see each other much

• sun - squash then 5aside footie from about 5 till 9 ish
• mon - gym then pick up daughter from swimming home about 10 ish
• tues - squash home about 9
• weds - trains sons footie team me aerobics both home about 9
• thurs - squash home 9 ish

he goes to the gym and squash straight from work so dont see him inbetween
then i work fri nights and sat and sun till 1 alternate weekends
hub also works a long way from home and leaves at about 5.30am

i dont generally resent how much time we are apart - have the odd moan every couple of months but he works damn hard and its not like hes down the pub or anything

im not sure what to advise really just try and find some kind of compromise that you can both work with
and im sure its being ill that left you feeling a little needy and sorry for yourself

hope your better now

This has made me feel tons better! So it is possible to have a successful relationship when one or the other is really really busy! lol.
On a serious note, I think it might be just that I had a 'boring' week as I was ill. Hmm Im such a baby feeling sorry for myself, but I really did miss him. But you're right, my OH does work hard and we both go gym (at diff times) so maybe it's just finding that balance.

Sunflower2007

Errata wrote: »

I wouldn't say you've got doubt, I'd say you met him, fell in love with the peson he is and now you want to change him. Won't work, never does.

I don't want to change who he is. I think maybe I just want his to be a bit more considerate, and acknowledge that he's bumping me for a recording session. He only realised how he made me feel after I spoke to him about it.

Sunflower2007

mountainofdebt wrote: »

My husband is Worshipful Master of his lodge and as such has been out for most fo the week since October.

Only once did I have a go at him and told him that he might have signed up for it but I didn't .

In fairness he has tried to limit the number of times he's been going out and on the odd occassions he's been out alot during the week then he's made the effort to stay home the following week.

In fairness your OH is warning you that he's not prepared to give up or (I would suggest) compromise on the amount of time he devotes to his music.

Only you can decide whether you can cope with that.......

Hmm he did warn me at the very beginning that previous ex-girlfriends use to text/call and pester him while he was in the studio and that some relationships broke down because of it - as they use to complain about him neglecting them. But he also told me that he's never fallen so hard for someone before and never imagined marriage/kids with anyone before. So he's tried harder with us. And I do see this. When we have arguments, he always understands my point of view - or make an effort to. I've never had a problem with him being in the studio cos it meant I could have time to myself and get do my own thing. But I think cos he's been in the studio most days this week, and on friday too. It's hit me harder as I've had nothing to do this week. It's not his fault i was ill and couldnt go out, lol i know that.
I'm not gonna make any decisions now, I'm just gonna pick myself up and see how things go. I think we just need to find that right balance.

Sunflower2007

LillyJ wrote: »

My boyfriend is a police man and works shifts which makes seeing him very difficult (and we live together!)

He wasn't a police man when I met him (he was a school kid like I was!) but his job is part of why I love him. He loves it with a passion and has a burning ambition to join OSU (a certain part of the force dealing with public disorder) All that adds up to him being him and I wouldn't change his job for the world.

I also went travelling round africa with a friend for 3 months last year without him. It was hard and we missed each other terribly but it just made us stronger!

You guys sound so happy together. Yeah, I love seeing how excited my OH is when he's showing me his new track or his new lyrics. He really really loves music, performing, singing, playing guitar etc. It's in his heart and I could and never would change that. I guess I'm looking for assurance that it can be ok, and just advice on dealing with it best. I think things would be easier if we lived together (we're looking to move in together in the near future)...that way even if he's busy in the studio all evening at least he comes home to me!
p.s. we're gonna do a 3 month trip from Egypt to Cape town in 2010! What trip did you do?