What's the definition of an alcoholic?

kent_lady

Hi everyone

I searched to see if there is a similar thread on this subject but couldn't find one so here goes a new one....

My DH has a drink EVERY day. And I mean EVERY day. He has a job, drives a car, doesn't get incoherent, doesn't need a drink in the morning - all the "usual" signs of alcohol dependency are never displayed. However.......in the 9 years that I have known him I have never known him not to have a daily drink, apart from when he was ill with a chest infection once.

We have had several "discussions" about this and he denies that he has a problem. I have told him that I believe he is alcohol dependent and he argues that he isn't because he doesn't need a drink in the morning!!

Last year I posted on the alcohol selfhelp thread with these details and a couple of people said that he does have a problem based on what I wrote, but he just will not see it.

He says he likes a drink and that it helps him to relax. So I ask "so you can't relax without a drink then?" and he just repeats that he likes to have a drink in an evening to unwind. We go round and round in circles and get nowhere :mad: .

Trouble is that he drinks the strong lager which is 4 units a can. He will have 2 of these a night so 8 units. Eight units x 7 nights is 56 units a week and isn't the safe limit for a bloke, 21 units? So he is drinking almost three times the recommended amount and doesn't think he has a problem??!!!!

He is the sort of person who hates anyone (including me) to get the better of him so he is unlikely to admit that I'm right. We had a huge row on Sunday and I told him that denial isn't just a river in Egypt (must admit I was quite pleased with that !!) and that if he doesn't have a problem then prove it to me by not having a drink for a week. I have asked him to do this on at least 4 occasions now and he just says, "I'm not going to be dictated to". He did try it once and lasted 2 days before I heard the sound of the ringpull again....:eek:

Am I overreacting or IS he alcohol dependent? On Sunday I said to him that if I am SO wrong about him, do the week to prove me wrong.

The atmosphere in the house is awful, we are barely speaking to each other and (he's moody anyway) he is curt and miserable. He was on the computer last night with a beer on the desk which I pointedly ignored! I'm tempted to just say well it's your funeral, is your life insurance up to date?

Oh - just remembered, he had a well-man thing at work last year and the dollybird who did it said that he has excellent liver function for a man his age so of course he thinks he's superman now....

Does anyone have any advice/comments please? I can't go to al-anon as I feel that they would laugh me out of the meeting.....

Riq

Ask him not drink for 3 days, if he can't then I would say he is alcoholic.

I think that is best test which you seem to have tried, so I would say he is. The "I'm not being dictated to" sounds like an excuse rather than a reason. Macho dominance and all that jazz.

Plus I like your egypt joke. A hearty round of applause from me.

noonesperfect

As a non-drinker (though not completely tee-total) I would say he is alcohol dependent.

That's my opinion however, whether it's right or not, I don't know.

To me, if he can't go more than a couple of days without then he may well be classed as alcoholic - I don't think you necessarily have to fall over or be incoherent to be classed as such. I can think of at least one acquaintance who easily drinks 4-5 cans of heavy stout nightly, yet holds down a job, drives etc. That said, he's a complete a****ole when he's had a few.

He does indeed sound like he's in denial (I too, loved the joke :rotfl: )

kent_lady

Thanks both....I have tried to tell him what you have both said but he just will not hear it...and like I said in my OP he HATES to be wrong and he won't do the stop-for-a-week just because I have suggested it...because then I would be right and he would be wrong...see? :mad:

It's so frustrating!! I would not do the smug told-you-so thing either, although I did say on Sunday that he won't do it because he can't, and I had a wry smile on my face as I said it and he said "don't you laugh at me" .

I think deep down he knows I'm right but believe me, there is more chance of Peter Doherty giving up drugs than the DH admitting it !

kent_lady

Think I may have put this thread in the wrong place, it's meant to be in the relationships bit, how do I move it????

newlywed

kent_lady wrote: »

and like I said in my OP he HATES to be wrong and he won't do the stop-for-a-week just because I have suggested it...because then I would be right and he would be wrong...see? :mad:

Can you try it as a "prove me wrong then - go without beer and you will prove I'm wrong"?

bowz25

hi
i thought i was reading about by own dh when i read your post.
He drinks everyday at least 2-3 cans of lager (strong lager as well 5% stella) and holds down job etc the same as your dh. When he does cut down as he has had to in the last year as we are on dmp and obviously this is not in the budget, he has trouble sleeping and i have said he is drink dependant. On a weekend he will have more.
I think this just makes them worse when you say anything and if sometimes if i go on it makes him drink more.
His mum was alcoholic and this does worry me he will go down the same path his mum sadly died at the age of 49 (heart attack due to this ).
I have asked him to go and have his liver tested he is 40 this year. He never goes out and he says most men drink lager. They do but not every day. He also smokes as well. He says he gets bored and he drinks but this is an excuse, but he has loads he can be doing in the house. He is a lovely person when not drinking then when he does he gets sarcastic not angry or anything its just when he has had drink i never have a go at him at the time.
When he does not have a drink he sometimes goes to bed early as if to stop himself wanting one.
I am dealing with this atm but if it does get worse not sure what will happen. My family are not happy with my situation as i am coping with stress of dmp and debt (not alone on this one i know) and my son is having tests for dyspraxia and asd. I am strong person but you have to think of yourself sometimes.
anyway just wanted to add you are not alone on this situation.
take care

kent_lady

newlywed wrote: »

Can you try it as a "prove me wrong then - go without beer and you will prove I'm wrong"?

Weird - I said exactly that to him on Sunday - go on, prove me wrong...he just looked at me!

Thanks for the suggestion though, I will keep at it!

kent_lady

Thanks for your reply bowz25, it's nice to know I'm not alone in this! Sometimes I wonder if I'm just being a nagging old bag, I get all the usual responses of "everyone drinks" etc etc - same as you. You're right, yes people drink but not every day. I will have a glass of wine or a fruit cider in an evening but for example, this week I haven't had one since last Friday and I really don't care, I can take it or leave it TBH. We are lucky that we are not in debt (I feel for you though) but I do look at how much he spends because he gives me his credit card bill to pay (I am the chancellor in our house) so I know how many times he's bought a 4-pack. We don't have much cash in the house so that's why he puts it on the card - we pay it off every month though otherwise I really would be doing my nut !!

There is no family history with him though so I don't know where it's come from - unless he just has an addictive side to him?

Please stay in touch and we can compare our progress!
Thanks xxx

feelinggood_2

The following test devised by the World Health Organisation might help you/him to work out if there is a problem:
http://www.aa-uk.org.uk/publications/areyou.htm

To be honest, although he is undoubtedly a heavy drink who is consuming more than he should, he doesn't sound like an alcoholic.

Does he always have 2 cans or more - does he every just have a few sips or one can?
How is he emotionally? Does he have mood swings? Anxiety?
Has he ever decided to 'test' himself by not drinking for X amount of time, or is it always your idea?
Does he have any family history of mental illness, addiction or substance abuse?

While many people can be high functioning alcoholics who hold down jobs, have families and don't drink in the morning, in my experience, all alcoholics have a lot of inner turmoil. If he is genuinely happy with his drinking habits and likes a couple of cans to unwind, it doens't sound like a problem.

I'm a recovering alcoholic, and I'm married to a heavy drinker, and there is a big difference in my opinion :O)

kent_lady

Hi, feelinggood, yes there is a history of mental illness - his father (now dead) had a nervous breakdown in the 1960s, apparently as an after-effect of being bombed during the war, he was thrown out of his shop in London by a V2.

Also, his nephew tried to kill himself after his first marriage broke up by lying on a railway track. He has been in and out of hospital ever since and has been diagnosed as manic depressive with anxiety and obsessive behaviour as well, he is on all sorts of medication. Same nephew is also a regular cannabis smoker.

My DH did drugs in the 70s, amphetamine I think, I am a bit ignorant about all of that. Thing is with that, he says that he just stopped - just like that, he realised it was mad and just stopped.....go figure!

He always drinks the full can and always has 2 cans.

It's always my idea and as I said in my OP, I think that's why he won't do it - yes he IS that bloody-minded and stubborn!! :mad:

Anxious he is not but he IS moody....but I think that's just him?! I have remembered since my OP that we went to a wedding and as we'd been to another do the week before and I drove home from that, I told him it was his turn to drive home. He said ok but at the wedding he had the RIGHT hump, he says because some of the blokes were being !!!!!! but I think it was because they were all drunk and he was on the coke (the drink I mean LOL!:rotfl: ).