Am I being too hard - or soft???

Amanda65

When they got respectively to Yr 8 at school both DD's decided they wanted packed lunches and the deal was that they could on the agreement that they made them and, apart from one of two occassions - they have (DD1 in lower 6th and DD2 in Yr 10 now). Having said that I did have a family meeting last night to have a general winge about them doing nothing else - and it''s not even the laundry and stuff, just asking them to open the dishwasher and put their dirty plates in it rather than leave them on the side for me to do it :eek:

I'm trying to think back and I must admit I did very little at home - but then my mum didn't work outside the home as I do and also had my Nan pretty much round every day to help with the housework so feel justified in asking for help.

DD1's room is a pigsty and I said to her last night that if she goes off to Uni (which she's hoping to do) after 2 weeks she'll have no clean knickers and won't be able to walk across the floor of her room :rotfl: Let's see if my moan works!!

Dick_here

sticher wrote: »

My 14 year old son the breaks one of the new pc chairs I bought, because he was kneeling (rather than sitting) on it and leaning on the back - which then snapped. It was cheap, but that's not the point. I told him off and then said I would take the money from his account (I am always telling him about respecting the furniture and he still does it, so I think this is reasonable). He obviously disagrees.

A while later I asked him to make me a coffee and he refused, so in temper I said fine I'll do my coffee and you can make your own lunch for school tomorrow.

I always make his lunch and am now feeling that maybe I am picking on him. Then again he is 14 (I was cooking family meals by then!!) - am I wrong to feel guilty?

That all sounds very reasonable to me. You've nothing to feel guilty about, especially with the chair.

However...if he doesn't bother making his school lunch, then you really will feel guilty...

So on balance, I'd say making food a punishment isn't a good approach for any of you.

pulliptears

I had a "moment" with my 15 year old at the weekend. Im a full time Uni student so I dont have a great deal of time, one of his jobs is to clean the bathroom for me.

I went downstairs and cleaned the kitchen and left him to it. When I went up an hour later all he had done was squirt a bit of cleaner and spray it off with the shower

He needed a lift the next morning to go to his rehearsal room for his band, I told him as he had only done half a job for me I'd do half a job for him and drop him halfway. The thought of him lugging guitar and amp for 5 miles obviously spurred him and the bathroom was spotless within half an hour.
He knows how to do the job properly, he just couldn't be bothered that day.

In answer to your question OP, no, I dont think you are being harsh, in fact, its something I could hear myself saying lol.

I was bought up helping out, I made drinks for my parents, I had set chores on which rooms I was responsible to clean, I washed, ironed and cooked a bit and when I left home I was quite capable of standing on my own two feet. OH's Mum felt that it was her duty to do everything so when we bought our home he didn't even know how to turn on the vacuum cleaner let alone put the washing on. I realised at that point MIL's pandering had left him virtually helpless without her and I swore I wouldnt do that to my kids.

It's a big world out there, and the more independence and responsibility you can give them in their early teens the better prepared for it they will be.

hilstep2000

Something similar happened to me!
My DS (16 at the time) and his friend jumped on my daughters' bed and smashed it to bits.
I was furious, and when the other boy's Mum came to get him, I told her. I told both of them off, and said that they had to pay £10 each towards a new bed.
His friends Mum offered to give me half, but I said it wasn't the cost, it was the principle. She agreed with me, and as both boys weren't working at the time, they lost two weeks pockst money each.
They haven't done anything like that again!
You are right, don't give in, sometimes they need to learn.

sharon59

I think its important that children learn to fend for themselves and also to realise that in the real world you cant just expect to be waited on hand and foot!
Im similar in that l would have reacted to the chair breaking in the same way!
However maybe this is a good time to set a few chores and increase his independance a bit as at 14 if he was peckish then could feed himself l bet!Just sit him down tell him where everything ,how long it has to last and leave him too it-he will manage and it will be a great move into growing up tell him!!!!x

pollyanna24

I don't think you are being harsh at all. He's 14! He's got to understand that he can't just break things and get away with it. That way, things will never mean much to him as he hasn't had to pay for it.

I always made my mum and dad a cup of tea or coffee if I was making one for myself. The same they would make one for me if they got to the kettle first.

Kids need to start doing things for themselves earlier these days, otherwise they'll end up like my brother. He's 30 next month and still lives at home for £100 (on his £40K wage) with my mum doing his ironing and washing for him!

bunty109

DD is 10 and starts secondary school in September. I came home from work last night at 8.30pm only for her to tell me I had to get her swimming things ready!

She's been told today that she needs to start remembering these things and if she forgets then she'll not go swimming. She needs to learn this for secondary school, I know (although I still feel harsh!! LOL)

Dick_here

pollyanna24 wrote: »

Kids need to start doing things for themselves earlier these days, otherwise they'll end up like my brother. He's 30 next month and still lives at home for £100 (on his £40K wage) with my mum doing his ironing and washing for him!

So who do you blame primarily, your brother or your mum ?

pollyanna24

!!!!!!_here wrote: »

So who do you blame primarily, your brother or your mum ?

Both I think. My mother (and dad) for being a soft muppet, but my brother shouldn't really be such a [EMAIL="w@nker"]w@nker[/EMAIL].

Maybe I'm jealous and wish I still lived at home

pinkshoes

sticher wrote: »

My 14 year old son the breaks one of the new pc chairs I bought, because he was kneeling (rather than sitting) on it and leaning on the back - which then snapped. It was cheap, but that's not the point. I told him off and then said I would take the money from his account (I am always telling him about respecting the furniture and he still does it, so I think this is reasonable). He obviously disagrees.

I don't have kids, but at 14 I think you should discuss the solution with him, rather than tell him what to do. Ask him what he thinks you should do about the broken chair, and why. If he says nothing, then ask if he'd expect you to replace his mobilephone/xbox/nintendo DS if you broke it by mis-using it.