Am I being too hard - or soft???

sticher

I have had a heated discussion with the manufacturers of my faulty tv tonight, so am quite annoyed anyway (just to set the scene).

My 14 year old son the breaks one of the new pc chairs I bought, because he was kneeling (rather than sitting) on it and leaning on the back - which then snapped. It was cheap, but that's not the point. I told him off and then said I would take the money from his account (I am always telling him about respecting the furniture and he still does it, so I think this is reasonable). He obviously disagrees.

A while later I asked him to make me a coffee and he refused, so in temper I said fine I'll do my coffee and you can make your own lunch for school tomorrow.

I always make his lunch and am now feeling that maybe I am picking on him. Then again he is 14 (I was cooking family meals by then!!) - am I wrong to feel guilty?

Sharra

I think its fair enough to teach him that if he wants you to do things for him then he should help you too. I've got a 13 yr old son and can so relate! It feels like they drag you down to their level and you're reduced to the tit for tat arguing - and then you end up feeling bad cos you didn't keep your cool.
If I were you - I would very calmly 'remind' him that he needs to make his own lunch this evening - if you leave it till the morning it will just be a bad start to the day. If he refuses then let him go hungry. At least he will have the evening to think about it. I think its important to do as you say, else he won't beleive you next time! Maybe explain to him that you really don't like losing your temper but sometimes things get on top of you, just like they do for him at times. I think that at this age it is good for them to see that parents aren't perfect, that we lose our temper and get it wrong too.
I too was cooking meals at that age (my son doesn't really yet) and think we are maybe too soft on our kids - but I know after a day at work, its easier to cook it myself...

G-G_4

I don't know as thought he was in the best of moods to want to make you a coffee? Think you are being harsh there to be honest..

Kids are kids, why does everyone want to make them such responsible adults before they need to.. yes, I know he is 14, but I think you are being a little harsh..

If this is how you would normally treat him, faulty tv aside, then that is fine, but maybe being harsh because you are annoyed at the tv is counter productive.. ?

Gingham_Ribbon

I'm not sure. Did he hurt himself when the chair broke?
Is one of his jobs to make the coffee or did you just ask him to do it because you were in a bad mood?

To be honest, if you've said he's to make his own lunch you need to follow it through but remind him that if he doesn't make it he won't have lunch tomorrow. (I'd lay the stuff out for him to meet him half way probably.)

sticher

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I think I jumped off the handle a bit and reacted more about the coffee because of his reaction to breaking the chair - denied it although I heard it break when he was on it - and then dragging his heels when told to sit properly on it.

He didn't hurt himself though.

Have had a chat with him now and we compromised - he made me a coffee and then got the stuff out for his lunch which I then made and he put in the fridge.

I have told him that if he does a couple more jobs regularly then I will give him pocket money (up until now he has been happy for me to buy everything for him and for him to do as little as poss in the house - although he and his brother regularly unload the dishwasher.)

Lunar_Eclipse

I don't think you were necessarily harsh, but wondered why you still usually make your sons lunch now that he is 14? (I have been thinking this holiday that my 8 year old is up to the task ).

Also, has he not asked for pocket money yet? I would have thought that most (all?) of his friends get it. Not that I advocate keeping up with the Jones', just that it is a useful tool in helping build their independence and decision making in terms of making choices about this money. And in line with this forum, it helps teach children some good financial skills. :T

Oh and good luck with the TV. I hate the way 'complaining' is so difficult that it can make the whole experience worse.

mspig

I would say you are being too hard, accidents happen and children will be children, i still sit cross legged on dining room chairs as its comfy.
As for making you a coffee, i wouldn't dream of asking my eldest son(others are babies) to make me a brew, though he does offer but i think its just me as i don't even as my DH to brew up for me(but then i am picky at how i have my brew).

As for still making his lunch at 14 my mum made mine until i was 18 and at college, but then i did leave home at 18, she also did the same for my sisters.

I do however make sons and husbands lunches.

nikki702

mspig wrote: »

i still sit cross legged on dining room chairs as its comfy.

So do I

floss2

I think that's perfectly reasonable, to give a 14yr old chance to earn a bit of extra cash by doing jobs that I was doing already by his age, such as washing up (my parents never had a dishwasher and in 1979 they had 3 kids still at home who were perfectly capable of washing up!)

ailuro2

I think by the age of 14 he should be taking an active part in the day to day tasks you need to do in a house.

Nothing major time-wise because they need time to study etc. But they shuold be making simple dinners, doing a bit of laundry &ironing, making lunches and cleaning bathrooms etc.

Why? Because they make a mess of it the same as everyone else, they need clean ironed clothes too, and also expect fed almost 24/7!

If they have no idea how much work is involved they will continue doing as little as possible.

Following a weekly rota and being paid a little more money than they need for their activities during the week will help them budget, and reward their efforts too.

If he broke the chair after being warned not to sit on it that way then he should pay for it out of hos own money, cheap or not..

liney

I don't think you are being harsh. Making a coffee is hardly out of his skill set, neither is making sandwiches. Breaking the chair isn't a one off accident, it is something you have warned him about and he has ignored you. If he wants pocket money then he should have some jobs to go of his own - making his own sandwiches would probably be a good start.

At 14 it is feasable that he leaves school next year remember folks!