Partner won’t work!

catw75

Hi Chollita, Symbeaux1 and Louise; I'm glad you have posted! Bad move for me on a Sunday night but can't really get sleepy right now! The dating site is really only a secondary problem - I know it's bad, but I got in eventually by pretending to be him and following people's advice and it didn't look like he had contacted anyone at all (still crap that he joined though :mad:)
Unfortunately he isn't on a particular career path where career could be damaged by taking just any job - his mainly temping history could only be hurt by (further) evidence of work-shyness. If I was a potential employer (would be change from feeling like substitute jobcentre adviser :eek:) then I would respect a person more for taking jobs as they came, even if they did a 'menial' job as a stop gap. I have been telling him this for several months though...

ceridwen

The thing that struck me from first post was the fact that he hasnt even claimed benefit during that first 6 months of unemployment - which is all that is allowed to a person who is living with/married to a member of the opposite sex (as in it used to be the case - probably still is that anyone in a partnership with someone of the same sex can get their benefit indefinitely if unemployed).

To me - that says he isnt prepared to put in even the slightest bit of effort at bringing in his share of the household income. If he balks at the small bit of effort entailed in claiming that 6 months of benefit he could have had - then how much more likely is he to balk at the amount of effort involved in having a job.

He sounds like hes a bit of a "dreamer", a Walter Mitty type of character all round - thinking of his (also inconclusive) attempts to find someone else. Of course - over the Internet attempts to find a partner (as opposed to trying in person) makes it so much easier for him to follow his "dreamer" tendency - ie "dreaming" he is wealthier/better looking, etc than he is.

It is just possible that he may get his act together yet at some point - but it doesnt look very promising at his age (late 30s as I recall).

Oh well - the plus side to him being such a dreamer and without any follow-through is that he's unlikely to try and grab any of O.P.'s money that is tied up in the house (unless his mother gets forceful with him for once).

Personally - when it comes to working out who owns what I would be taking into account how much of my money I had been using to subsidise him and deduct exactly that £ for £ to get it back if I could.

If someone CANT pay their way thats one thing - but to me he sounds like he WONT pay his way. Big difference.

miserly_mum

*Louise* wrote: »

Looks like you've made up your mind - good luck, hope it all works out for you.

I would be tempted to password the computer so he can't use it at all during the day...but I'm a b*tch...;)

So am I and i'd do that too

*Louise*

Catw75 - I assume since he hasn't claimed benefits you have been giving him money as well as paying all the bills??

Hope that's the first thing you've put an end to - he will have to sort something out if he has no cash at all.

As ceridwen said - start woking out exactly how much you have subsidised him ....might help when it comes to deciding what to do about the house...

Chollita

Everyone may be right that this guy is just lazy, but playing devil's advocate, is there any chance he could be suffering from depression or anxiety and feels that he is unemployable?

belfastgirl23

Chollita wrote: »

Everyone may be right that this guy is just lazy, but playing devil's advocate, is there any chance he could be suffering from depression or anxiety and feels that he is unemployable?

I wondered this too! My question for the OP is do you love him? If the answer is yes then don't break up. If the answer is no then break up. If you love him then you need to try to work on the unemployment thing, if you don't then him leaving might force the issue for him to do something himself and there's no point in staying with him in any case.

Sorry but to me the emotions are always the starting point since the practicalities can mean all sorts of different things...

Errata

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I wondered this too! My question for the OP is do you love him? If the answer is yes then don't break up. If the answer is no then break up. If you love him then you need to try to work on the unemployment thing, if you don't then him leaving might force the issue for him to do something himself and there's no point in staying with him in any case.

Sorry but to me the emotions are always the starting point since the practicalities can mean all sorts of different things...

He's clearly not too depressed to sign up on an internet dating site and write his profile !

flufff

I'd print off copies of his internet dating malarky to show his family and anyone who may get funny with you.
I would be concerned about leaving him in the house with your belongings alone all day.
See a solicitor and good luck.

Chollita

Errata wrote: »

He's clearly not too depressed to sign up on an internet dating site and write his profile !

It's very easy for a depressed person to blame their partner for their unhappiness. I know, I've been on the receiving end of that.

Something that has to be ruled out, I think.

mademoiselle_2

Cat, I have a thought for you – but first:

I know how you feel. I posted here a while ago, about my ex, who first started walking out of jobs on flimsy excuses, and then stopped working altogether. Just like your partner, he too did not claim benefits –just sat around the house.

I ran through all my savings paying the bills, until, in desperation, I contacted a solicitor. And I would beg you – contact one now. You are not thinking clearly about the situation because your emotions are involved. A solicitor will not have that problem! And will help you to see things more rationally.

It was only a long time afterwards – after the horror of all the money worries, and getting out of the relationship – that I began to read about what makes people behave the way they do. My ex had previously been very dependable about work – so why did he change? Was it depression? Or illness?

The answer I eventually found, was much more surprising!

It was pointed out to me that my ex (a very controlling man) was almost certainly aware that the relationship was ending. So – in a very risky move – he catapulted us both into an economic crisis. He stopped working. And, in doing so, targeted my deepest insecurities – about MONEY, and keeping a roof over my head.

Baldly speaking, it’s like the last ditch throw of the dice of an inveterate gambler. By throwing you this terrible problem, they keep you so busy scurrying about trying to control the damage – and pay the bills! – that you don’t have time to focus on the real problem – HIM. And also: whilst you are propping him up, you are also critically damaging your own ability to stand apart from him. You are actually binding yourself more firmly into the arrangement!

So here’s my thought: do you think your partner deliberately made himself unemployed? And do you see how, by running through your savings “helping” him, you have actually made it harder to leave him?

I don’t expect you to agree… I didn’t, at first! I just couldn’t believe anyone close to me would stoop so low.

But I think differently now.

So think about it.

I wish you luck. I feel for you xxx