Partner won’t work!

catw75

My partner has been unemployed for about 10 months now except for about 12 weeks max temping. We bought a house together Jan 2007 and I have a salary and (modest) savings from an inheritance. We have no kids. He had a job when we moved in.
I am tired of paying for all our expenses and have had to dip into the savings a lot, which are supposed to be for home improvements.
He hasn’t claimed contribution based jobseekers allowance and can’t claim any other benefits – I think it may be too late to claim this too. He has registered with agencies and applied for jobs and been to interviews, but only seems willing to do office type work, although I have said that he should take anything within reason while he is looking for work and there is plenty of casual/industrial work in our area. I feel that if he was on his own or I had lower pay and no savings he would have found some kind of work by now.
This has made me question our relationship and I’d be grateful for any opinions. I think our relationship has come to an end: he promises to try harder but only after I shout at him or threaten to break up with him – then nothing seems to happen.

debs66_2

Hmm, you are enabling him by staying with him. Sorry that sounds harsh, but he won't work until the rug has been pulled from under his feet, i'm afraid. he sounds like a boy who has been overly mothered, and he has moved on to a surrogate mother with you.

I am not the type of woman who thinks a man should keep a woman, and am all for house husbands and the wife working if kids are involved, but you are both able bodied independent people who should be pulling your weight 50:50.

I said this once before to another poster who was questioning her relationship... Re-read your post and pretend it's from someone you don't know, or a great friend of yours who is desperate for help - what would you tell them to do..??

catw75

Thanks for your words of support, Debs, I think you are absolutely right! He has the choice whether to work as long as I stay with him, and seems unwilling to do so as long as I give him the choice. I just have to try and buy him out now; we are 'tenants in common' and either of us can force a sale but I would rather keep the house. I'm hoping he won't fight over the settlement and will accept what he has put in back, plus an amount for decorating and part of any increase in value, as I paid the deposit and have paid most of the mortgage.
He has now gone out after crying and begging me to give it another go - for the first time I have 'snooped' in his email and I've found messages from an 'adult' dating site - it is not just spam as he has a user name and they are ads for women in our local area (I don't think a spamster would know where he lived) :mad: I don't think he loves me, just the security that I provide.
I think his mum did/does spoil him, she called the other week saying she was worried about him being so long out of work in case he was getting depressed - not a word of sympathy for me - I wish(ed) she would help me kick him up the jacksy instead!
He is behaving like a boy but he is 36 and I am 33. My sister is married and has a newborn, and the baby has made me broody and I realise that my partner would not be a reliable dad.
Sorry for the long rant!

debs66_2

that wasn't a rant. you are a perfectly entitled to say everything you said.

it's no wonder he didn't want to work. it sounds like that would have stopped the mouse playing while the cat was away.

you now need to pick up the pieces and start afresh. you are a strong sensible woman, and it won't be long before you can feel feminine again when a new handsome fella takes you out for a change...

good luck with life x

lilac_lady

cat - you've come to your senses just in time. You deserve a better partner.

Errata

36 years old ! If he hasn't grown up by now, he probably won't. Stop being his mummy, stop feeding him, stop letting him have his own way.
Start thinking about how you want the rest of your life to unfold.

neas

Dump the lazy sod

Maz

neas wrote: »

Dump the lazy sod

Have to agree. Get rid. As long as you continue to bail him out, he hasn't got any motivation to change. To me, that says a LOT about him!

catw75

Cheers everyone for your messages, you are all confirming what I thought!
I did have a giggle earlier as 2 mins after he left it began to throw it down with hail!
I have tried to guess the password for his stupid adult dating site and when that failed I even 'joined' (using completely false details) but still couldn't find a way to see his messages. Maybe the stiff drink I poured (upon my discovery) didn't help!
Then realised that I don't really need to: the 'work' situation alone justifies splitting up. Time to move on as you kind people have said x

Keeping_Positive

Youve given him the time, he hasnt done whats needed so you are perfectly right to call it a day. The website is just another thing to confirm this. Good luck xx.

shelley_crow

life's too short to stay with a waster, get rid and dfind someone who makes you happy x