How to encourage child to join in

Dick_here

tennismum wrote: »

hi !!!!!!
your daughter does not have to compromise to make friends - she wants friends with the same interests - what is wrong with that? dont you? the trick is to find what she is interested in doing!

my daughter isnt 'girlie' either sometimes we wonder if she is in fact female!!! the answer.. sport -was netball, football, rugby but always and now only Tennis but basically when she was younger anything with a ball.
good luck

Thanks TM. The problem is that the few things she is interested in are not social activities, e.g. reading and playing on the pc/Nintendo.

Much as she isn't 'girlie', she is totally unsporty too. She hates discos but hates sport too...

Hopefully, there will be people with the same interests - and she'll be exposed to more things anyway - at secondary school.

tennismum

if her main interest is reading perhaps you could try your local library to see if they have any kind of book club or even a writers club. what type of books does she like to read maybe that may give you a clue.

another thought.... perhaps she doesnt like activities either because they are group things and she prefers to be individual or maybe it is simply a lack of confidence to go and be the newbie!

i hope that going up to high school in september goes well as there will be lots of 'newbies' together!

perhaps try taking her and just one friend to something new or what about you and her doing something new together.

i am sure you will find the right key soon.

mountainofdebt

I honestly think that if kids aren't enjoying something then you can't really make them do it, provided that its a case of them not enjoying it and not having an irrational fear of what they might be expected to do.

My son (an only child) never seemed to want to mix but a year ago, when he was 14, he joined the sea cadets and its like he's a different person, so outgoing its unbelieveable (and showers without prompting as well!!!!)

I guess at the end of the day he had to find something he was interested in and not be interested in what I thought he should be interested in.

As for the OP's dilema - have you thought just staying there and if needs be both of you watching the other lads in the class? I know its a pain but if you can wean him slowly off you being there he may be more willing to go (and you can perhaps see if there's anything happening in class that the coach doesn't know about to make him unwilling to go)

jetcat

!!!!!!_here wrote: »

Thanks TM. The problem is that the few things she is interested in are not social activities, e.g. reading and playing on the pc/Nintendo.

Much as she isn't 'girlie', she is totally unsporty too. She hates discos but hates sport too...

Hopefully, there will be people with the same interests - and she'll be exposed to more things anyway - at secondary school.

you could be describing my daughter!!! she has struggled all through school, even going so far as needing an ed psych to help her with friendship skills. her (and mine) saving grace was actually the computer! she feels a lot more comfortable 'talking' with people via msn, she cant keep off the bloomin thing - obviously i do have time limits etc though. she often has 6 or 7 conversations going at the same time, with children from her school (she knows the rules), yet at school she still wont go and talk to them! but, at least now she can say that she has friends!

she is actually having a birthday party tom, instead of the usual taking just a couple of kids out for tea!!

i too am pinning my hopes on the secondary school - she is going to a different one than the majority of her class mates, so am hoping that she will see it as a fresh start!

kids, they do make you worry........................

Dick_here

They certainly do. In our case, I think the intelligence is a hinderance on the social side. She sees other kids as silly and can't understand why they find school work difficult when it's easy for her. But when something doesn't come easy for her - making friends - instead of trying harder, she just gets down on herself, blames everyone else and gives up instead. She just isn't used to having to work to achieve things.

I don't think an ed psych would help in our case, more likely it would convince her that there was 'something wrong' with her, which we don't think there is fundamentally, and would take away her own responsibility to try to improve things.

Ours is going to go to a different (better) secondary than most of her classmates too !

Frith

Mountainofdebt

Sadly I can't stay in the room when the class is on due to "health and safety". I suppose it is just feasible that a 4 year old could cartwheel all the way across the room and knock me over!

It does seem now that the crying stops quickly once I have gone out... and he seems reasonably enthusiastic about going next week. Well, he isn't saying he WON'T go any more!

!!!!!! here - I'm sure your daughter is a mini version of me! I still don't do the hair/make up/dressing up/pink stuff, thank goodness I have 2 sons because I wouldn't know what to do if I had girlie daughters! I don't do sport either, always hated it. I think the bellringing worked because there were so many adults there. I'm not sure what other activities have such a wide range of people attending - local orchestras (not youth ones), archaeology/historical/environmental groups?

Liz

Dick_here

Hi - just a little update. She got told off at school this week. They were singing in assembly with hand actions included. She's in Year 6 and thought they were having to do "stupid Reception kids songs" and of course, refused to join in. The teacher later told her off in front of the others and the class all had to go and do it again. She then had the other kids having a go at her for the rest of the day.

Hopefully, she'll learn something from it. Sometimes you have to join in, like it or not.

lady_stardust

Sorry I've come into this thread a bit late but I am a gymnastics coach who teaches pre-school and I would say stick with it, it sounds very familar. We have lots of kids who love their first week, cry at being left for the next month or so and then love it again. We do put our four year olds on the bars because we want to get them used to heights, but we have so many coaches around them that they are basically carried through it!

We let parents watch in the viewing gallery as having them in the same room is a nightmare tbh - the kids work so much better without them and minor discipline problems are better dealt with. When the parent decides to come over and tell their child off, things get really chaotic. The health and safety aspect is the sport's governing body's child protection procedures, we aren't able to learn every family member for every child so we don't allow adults other than coaches into the gymnastics hall. Even the viewing gallery is a bit of a pain sometimes as the children tend to wave up at their parents rather than looking where they're going but we wouldn't stop any parent wanting to watch the session if they wished.

And good for you for putting your son into the sport, gymnastics suffers from a bit of a Billy Elliot image problem among some parents of boys, but the boys that we do have really love it.

debs66_2

sorry, not read every post, but can i stick in my story...

as a toddler, my eldest was a limpet. she wouldn't join in at toddler group, moving away from me just enough to grab a toy and run back. i stuck with it, but she didn't alter her attitude, she was just more comfortable. when i left her at playgroup the first time, i had to hand her over and run, and returned to find her throwing up in the play sink! again, she just got used to it. so i took her to baby ballet. she again 'got used to it', and at 5 joined in the group's performance on stage at our town theatre for their annual show. she did it all --- but she wasn't enjoying it! one day i watched her doing the baby ballet class, and realised she was going through the motions. she hadn't smiled once. i took her out and concentrated on what she loved doing... art!

my daughter is now 18. she developed normally - despite my lack of sending her to this club and that club - and is sitting her A level art exam in 2 weeks, in fact, she is so good at it one of her portraits has just been shortlisted for the London Royal Academy of Art's A level exhibition.

looking back now, with an 18 and a 16 year old, the best thing i did was listen to my kids, and let them take the lead in their interests. My youngest went to saturday drama school for 4 years and mixes with everyone. that was her thing, my eldest is different. she's quiet and studious and creative. she also came in at 4.30am the other night after a night out with friends, so she hasn't turned into a hermit.

i know there is a vibe now with mums to ferry kids to activities that they think will do them the world of good. leaving mine with an early learning centre table, chair, paper, glue and anything i could find in the house to stick was what worked for mine.