How to encourage child to join in

Dick_here

vixarooni wrote: »

How old is she? and what about friends at school, she must have those?

11, final year at primary school, but she was new to the area in 2006 so has only been at that school for the last year and a half. There are a few classmates who she doesn't dislike, in fact 5 of them came round to a birthday sleepover for her, but being brutally honest, she hasn't got a single friend at all. She just seems unable - and unwilling - to make them.

Lady_S

My step daughter comes across like this, so much so I worry about her alot.

She won't talk to anyone and the only way I can describe it is she has no fun in her. She is serious and at points appears depressed. No matter what we try she won't open up to us.

vixarooni

I bet !!!!!!, she will make them in year 7. You have to to survive secondary school. There will be more people that will share her interests that she will find more interesting than others.

Frith

An update...

We got to gymnastics solely because I told my son I was going to tell the coach he was frightened of the big bars and didn't want to go again.

We talked for a while about the bars (luckily the coach was quick on the uptake!) and she said he wouldn't have to go on them until he was grown up and perhaps not even then if he didn't want to.

The coach and I then pretended that the whole matter was dealt with. The other boys (all about 4 and 5) in his group are really lovely and when he realised he was expected to join in, and started crying, they all asked him what was wrong and introduced themselves! It took some effort to prise his shoes and socks off...

Then I made a big deal about walking across the sprung floor and I sat with him for 5 minutes. Unfortunately, he was a very sicky baby and still gags at nothing so the sobbing set off a retching fit. Lovely...

Then I told him I would have to see my other son (left in the car outside) and left. He cried for ages again (although not the terrible sobbing) probably for 20 minutes.

BUT.... when he came out he was full of enthusiasm again! He has had some "ticks" on his list so will be getting his first badge in a few weeks. He got the sonic screwdriver as promised. Me and big son made a lot of fuss of him then we went to see my mum, dad and brother and they said how marvellous it was too.

Until bedtime, he was still pleased about it unlike last time when after an hour he no longer wanted to go ever again.

I wonder what next week will be like? :-S

Liz

Frith

!!!!!! here,

I was an only child until I was 6, top of my class and played the violin! I am sorry to say I found most other children rather irritating and silly. I tried Brownies (OK because my mum ran it) and Guides which was dull. I was also in the county youth orchestra for about 6 weeks.

One thing I found which did suit me (I was 12) was church bellringing which I did for 8 years. There were children there but probably two thirds of people were grown ups.

I have plenty of acquitances but even now I'm not sure I'd have 5 friends close enough to be able to come for a sleepover! (Although I think 32 is a bit old for that).

Liz

aliasojo

Some kids are just not 'joiners' no matter what.

I never felt comfortable as a kid as my Mum always tried to persuade me to join various groups...Brownies, Guides, Youth Fellowship etc etc. I tried everything but hated being in a group of people I didn't choose to be with and doing things I wouldn't have chosen to do for myself.

I'm probably more extreme than most people but I remember crying and wetting my pants at a pre-school class because I just really didn't want to be there. The class teacher told my Mum after a week that she felt me attending the class was doing me more harm than good. Although I was under 5, I still remember the feeling.

I was happy with a book and was just never an outgoing kind of kid. I honestly believe that being made to try various groups affected my confidence negatively as all I remember is being scared and unhappy, even although there were times I did have some fun at the groups. I think I just made a crap kid tbh, I hated the feeling of having little or no control over what I had to do, even at an early age.

Due to my own experiences, I have always felt it important to try to distinguish what is normal 'can't be bothered going, but has fun anyway' from 'don't want to go and I hate it' situations.

My eldest were joiners and went to everything, my youngest has shades of me in her and so at the moment she only goes to the things she has asked to go to, like Brownies and Cheerleading. My hope is that if she only experiences positive feelings towards joining groups such as these, then her confidence will increase and she may be more inclined to try more things as she grows.

Unfortunately (imo) kids dont differentiate as adults do...if they feel unhappy at going to one group, it will likely have a knock-on effect and they will automatically feel iffy about joining another.

The OP's son is still only very young, maybe at 4 he's just not ready to try things yet? Given that he seemed to enjoy what he did this week, he might be more keen to go next week, but if he is continually upset every week, I'm not sure that is all that beneficial to his confidence and I would leave him for a few months maybe before trying him again?

Good luck. Kids are such lovely little balls of puzzlement for us parents aren't they? :rotfl:

Dick_here

ACEY wrote: »

!!!!!! here,

I was an only child until I was 6, top of my class and played the violin! I am sorry to say I found most other children rather irritating and silly. I tried Brownies (OK because my mum ran it) and Guides which was dull. I was also in the county youth orchestra for about 6 weeks.

One thing I found which did suit me (I was 12) was church bellringing which I did for 8 years. There were children there but probably two thirds of people were grown ups.

I have plenty of acquitances but even now I'm not sure I'd have 5 friends close enough to be able to come for a sleepover! (Although I think 32 is a bit old for that).

Liz

Sorry to partially hijack your thread Liz. I just saw the title and it seemed so apt.

It's good to hear that other people are having or had similar experiences and came through them ok in the end. We just want her to be happy in her own skin but she very rarely is. She also finds other kids irritating and silly ! We just hope that at secondary school things will improve. It's a girls only secondary, I don't know if that's a good or bad thing for her either. She doesn't like boys (yet), but doesn't like 'girlie' things like music, make-up or fashion either, so she might soon be isolated there too.

Maybe she just likes to complain too though, we'd have never expected she'd get enough girls round for a sleepover based on what she tells us about school.

Dick_here

aliasojo wrote: »

Some kids are just not 'joiners' no matter what.

I take that point, and thanks for the post. It did make a lot of sense.

Our problem is that not only isn't she a 'joiner' - and doesn't seem to want to be one - but she isn't happy being on her own either !

We tell her it's one or the other, but she doesn't want to accept that. She wants friends, but only on her own terms, i.e. kids who like the things that she does. She isn't one for accepting that she needs to compromise to be more popular. That's where we're stuck.

tennismum

hi !!!!!!

as my name suggests my 13 year old plays tennis. she is top of the class and struggled when she was younger with making real friends she is loud and opinionated! and some other kids found her intimidating!

your daughter does not have to compromise to make friends - she wants friends with the same interests - what is wrong with that? dont you? the trick is to find what she is interested in doing!

my daughter isnt 'girlie' either sometimes we wonder if she is in fact female!!! the answer.. sport -was netball, football, rugby but always and now only Tennis but basically when she was younger anything with a ball.

dont give up. she obviously isnt happy so work with her to find out what her interests are. school holidays are not so far away and loads of different activities offer taster sessions (some of which can be free), but anything you spend will be worth it if she can find a kindrid spirit!

good luck

tennismum

acey

re your 4 year old - couple of points on this one. my youngest was an absolute nightmare everyday at preschool in the end i just handed her to the staff tears and all but within 2 minutes of me being outside she would be laughing - despite the regular morning tears she always enjoyed it once there.

i know this might sound a bit harsh but this behaviour is attention seeking at its worst - making you feel guilty and a wicked mother subjecting him to such awful treatment!!!!

i used to be a brownie leader and i have had to deal with a number of uncooperative children!! mostly i didnt have tears but a stubbornness to absolutely under no circumstances join in no matter what encouragement (and yes bribary) i offered. in the end i found the best tactic was to simply and completely ignore them!! it may sound harsh but i would say something like "you dont have to join in no one is forcing you to do anything you dont want to. you can sit here and watch if you want" then i would walk away and not make any kind of eye contact or anything for several minutes.

almost without exception the child concerned would see how much fun the others were having and very quietly as if to not be noticed sneekily join in. job done!

good luck