How to encourage child to join in

Frith

Hi. I have 2 sons, 7 and 4. They are quite different (of course!), the older being very articulate, good at literacy, art and full of ideas. He learned to talk early but is about as good at games as I am... He goes to Beavers once a week.

My younger son was standing up before he could sit up properly :rolleyes: (5 months old) is small, thin, very boisterous, flexible and fast! He is not doing so well at school and may have some sort of SEN but they are leaving him a bit longer before investigating as he has an August birthday and is the youngest in the school.

Anyway, neither of them is particularly outgoing and younger son doesn't seem to have much confidence outside home. Because he is so active, we had a chat and he decided he would like to go to gymnastics. Older son wanted to go too but I explained that younger son needs to do something for himself that he will be really good at (older son also has 2 hernias which can't be good with all that stretching!)

We went to gymnastics last week for the first time and younger son did everything he was asked. There were about 5 kids in the group and 2 leaders. There was nothing he couldn't do - hopping right round the room, bouncing, mini press ups, cartwheels. He did cry at first though. At the end, he came out and was really excited and told us about all the equipment and so on.

But since then, he has completely changed his tune and is now determined he is not going. I did manage to discover he is a bit frightened of the "bars in the big room" but I don't think a 4 year old will be using asymmetric bars just yet! We had a few tears about it last night.

So.... what can I say to encourage him? I have told him he was the best at hopping, that he always wanted to go, that we will be right outside and so on. I have resorted to bribery (a sonic screwdriver if he goes tonight) and said that I will tell the lady he doesn't want to go on the bars.

I just want him to go somewhere, mix with other people, and be really proud of himself that he can do something so well.

Liz

pukkamum

My husband once (probably when about your sons age) loved gymnastics and went along to some classes which he loved. Then his coach 'joked' that he would be doing the high beam soon!! He freaked out and never went again!! He always regretted this! I would make it implicitly clear that he will not be going on the bars because you will tell the coach he is not to. I would then tell him you have already paid for this weeks class so he just has to go and then if he still doesn't like it fair enough. Perhaps say he doesn't have to join in he can just watch (seeing the others have lots of fun may do the trick) and have a word with the coach first so he can reassure him he will not be going on the bars. HTH

Frith

Thanks, I will talk to the coach first. I have told him we have to go to gymnastics to say he doesn't want to go anymore.... then hope when he gets there he will be OK.

Sadly, you have to pay for the half term's worth of lessons so I'm also slightly disgruntled about a wasted £30!

Liz

Dick_here

We've an 11 yo girl, very bright, top of the class in fact, yet basically completely unable to make friends or get involved in any group activities.

She went to Girls Brigade for a bit, then didn't want to go any more. She went to half-term sports activity club (only because the first afternoon was horse-riding) and after the second day the OH was pretty much told not to bring her back as she obviously wasn't enjoying it. She is musical and has got a musical aptitude place at secondary school, yet refuses to practice the violin. She wanted to go to Saturday morning music classes (at the secondary school), yet now has given that up as "everyone else is better". Practice then, obviously, but she won't.

Do we keep paying out for things in the hope she'll find something she likes eventually ? If we don't, she'll be stuck at home with no chance of making friends, but we haven't got an endless supply of money and we don't want her to become spoilt either of course.

I could go on and on, but you get the jist. Help.

Surfbabe

I have to say that we always made it a rule that whatever the kids wanted to do - they had to commit for a minimum of two terms to give it a fair chance - even from a young age. Make sure that your son knows that he is being given an opportunity that the other one isn;t and so it is his special time. Tell him he hasn;t got to doing anything on the appartatus that he isn;t comfortable with but that you will be sooooooo proud of hiim whatever he does.

RoxieW

I have 2 that are the same. They do gymnastics and football and have at some point complained that they dont want to go. well tough luck! they decided that they wanted to go, so they're going! they go, and they always have a great time. If I saw that they weren;t enjoying it once there, I would take them out of the class. But I think thats it good for kids to learn that once they've committed to something, they cant just quit. Besides, they'd prob decide the next week that they wanted to go back.
I think once you start pandering to your kids every whim you get kids that want to do one thing one week, then something different the next, and never stick t anything. Not a great lesson in life.
Ps - my oldest son always point blank refused to do the bars. He was the only one in the class. I didnt make a big thing out of it - just encouraged him and lo and behold, one week he just stepped up and did it. He's fine with them now. Just let him know that its perfectly safe, and its good for him to try but he wont be forced to do anything.

miserly_mum

!!!!!!_here wrote: »

We've an 11 yo girl, very bright, top of the class in fact, yet basically completely unable to make friends or get involved in any group activities.

She went to Girls Brigade for a bit, then didn't want to go any more. She went to half-term sports activity club (only because the first afternoon was horse-riding) and after the second day the OH was pretty much told not to bring her back as she obviously wasn't enjoying it. She is musical and has got a musical aptitude place at secondary school, yet refuses to practice the violin. She wanted to go to Saturday morning music classes (at the secondary school), yet now has given that up as "everyone else is better". Practice then, obviously, but she won't.

Do we keep paying out for things in the hope she'll find something she likes eventually ? If we don't, she'll be stuck at home with no chance of making friends, but we haven't got an endless supply of money and we don't want her to become spoilt either of course.

I could go on and on, but you get the jist. Help.

I'm kinda reading between the lines here....that she is an only child as it all sounds a bit familiar.

I was an only child and my Dad had me in every bloody organisation going. I was bright too.....he read "genius" I was musical....he read "musical genius"

I had piano lessons,played the cello in the school orchestra, did Irish Dancing, verse speaking and the GB too.

I went to please my Dad but in all honesty I hated them all and would have been much happier to be at home reading or watching telly with him and my Mum.

I was very happy with my own company and didn't have very many friends either. But things changed gradually as I got older. I didn't end up a recluse and neither will your daughter.

Just be glad she's doing well at school and let her do things at her own pace. Not everyone is cut out to be in clubs/ organisation. Even now I can't think of anything worse

Dick_here

miserly_mum wrote: »

I'm kinda reading between the lines here....that she is an only child as it all sounds a bit familiar.

I was an only child and my Dad had me in every bloody organisation going. I was bright too.....he read "genius" I was musical....he read "musical genius"

I had piano lessons,played the cello in the school orchestra, did Irish Dancing, verse speaking and the GB too.

I went to please my Dad but in all honesty I hated them all and woul have been much happier to be at home reading or watching telly.

Thanks for the reply. Yes, she is an only child in day to day terms. She isn't one for pleasing us though, your dad was lucky !

If it sounded like we're pushing her, we're not.

She is happy reading or playing on the pc (hates watching telly and all pop music though). She was the one who complained loudly about not having friends/anything to do, so we asked her what she wanted and those were what she eventually came up with. Yet she has dropped out of them all and still has no friends.

If she was happy to be at home, we'd be more than happy with that - really we're like that ourselves - but she isn't. We don't want her NOT to try things for fear that she won't like them and we'll force her to keep going. And if she does stay at home she won't improve her social skills. It isn't us pushing her though.

If a child isn't happy without friends/outside activities but equally isn't happy when she does try something out, what can you do ?

vixarooni

When i was younger i went to brownies, twice. It was rubbish. I didnt really like the other girls or stupid dancing round a mushroom or whatever it was. I didnt go back again but i went swimming and i liked that.

Instead of paying out x amount of money, why dont you go to a class first to see if your child likes it? or why dont you ask them what they want to do, or what their friends do at school.

Its always hard making friends when your a child when you join a group because you feel daunted by the amount of people and youre out of your comfort zone. They'll soon find people they enjoy eventually.

vixarooni

!!!!!!_here wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. Yes, she is an only child in day to day terms. She isn't one for pleasing us though, your dad was lucky !

If it sounded like we're pushing her, we're not.

She is happy reading or playing on the pc (hates watching telly and all pop music though). She was the one who complained loudly about not having friends/anything to do, so we asked her what she wanted and those were what she eventually came up with. Yet she has dropped out of them all and still has no friends.

If she was happy to be at home, we'd be more than happy with that - really we're like that ourselves - but she isn't. We don't want her NOT to try things for fear that she won't like them and we'll force her to keep going. And if she does stay at home she won't improve her social skills. It isn't us pushing her though.

If a child isn't happy without friends/outside activities but equally isn't happy when she does try something out, what can you do ?

How old is she? and what about friends at school, she must have those?

Dick_here

vixarooni wrote: »

When i was younger i went to brownies, twice. It was rubbish. I didnt really like the other girls or stupid dancing round a mushroom or whatever it was. I didnt go back again but i went swimming and i liked that.

Instead of paying out x amount of money, why dont you go to a class first to see if your child likes it? or why dont you ask them what they want to do, or what their friends do at school.

That was what happened with Girls Brigade. It's cheap. She claimed to like it the first two or three weeks - in fact she nagged us to buy her the uniform, which we did - then she decided she didn't really want to go anymore. GB jumper went on eBay...