Depression Support Thread

pink_princess

oh my im so lucky i ve never had depression in my life i stummbled across the thread by accident , you s all sound so positive sometimes ,my thoughts really are going out to you s all and i wish i could be of some help .just try and get through each day and hopefully this terrible illness will ease alittle.
big hugs
suz x

alba37

LadyMorticia wrote: »

Wish me luck. I have to brave the horrendous weather...if I can even make it out the door. I'm feeling very anxious and my heart is racing.

xx

Good luck! Is the weather really bad in Cambridge? It's a normal, grey day here in Glasgow, looks like rain, but it's not on yet.

feelinggood wrote: »

I don't want my husband to stay home with me, he wouldn't help. He doesn't deal with all this stuff. Its a 'friend' who I want to be with me.

And I know that me dying wouldn't be the best thing for others in the short-term, but in the long-term it'd all be alright.

Its probably selfish, but it just feels like there is no way out. I don't want to die, but I really don't like living.

Feelinggood, how are you this morning? I know you feel this way now, and may feel like that for a while... but you won't feel like that forever. Try to remember it's temporary, and help is on it's way. Hopefully you'll hear from pysch today or tomorrow, at worst you need to wait til the 9th.

Take care everyone, hope your day's not too bad.

A x

Tiff_2

Hi guys!:hello:

You're either going to love this short game or hate it - but it's addictive. I'm so easily entertained!

The Idiot Test

http://users.skynet.be/bk258512/idiot_test.swf

And no - I'm not going to tell you what I scored!
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

Tiff_2

Hi guys!:hello:
Tiffy news anyone? :eek: :eek: :eek:

''THE TIFF CHRONICLES ~ PART 8.''

It's probably tempting fate for me to post the following - as those who've read The Tiff Chronicles, (still missing!), will know! - but I wanted to share some good news with my friends here..... NO, I AM NOT HAVING KITTENS!!! Don't scare me like that - at 43, Tiffy's too long in the false teeth for that.

Many of you have been on this journey with me for quite a while and most of you know my situation. For our newer friends, please read The Tiff Chronicles ~ Parts 1-7, if you can find them - I'm sure someone will post a link.
Basically, I am a divorced mom of one son and we've had a few ups and downs to deal with in our lives, as everyone does in one way or another. Although DS has a distinct lack of common sense, (please compare to a sock!), he is truly talented and gifted in the Performing Arts although he never had any lessons as a child. It's not something you can afford on benefits.

There's never been any question that this is the field he was heading towards, even though he'd never had any training of any kind before starting at Stratford-upon-Avon College two years ago. It's just naturally in him. He travels on the college bus two hours each way, every day. He is studying for the National Diploma in Performing Arts ~ Musical Theatre, which is the equivalent of 3 A-levels and is forecast to get at least a DDM, if not DDD (straight distinctions) when he leaves at the end of June.

Remember my clue - ''Tiffycat, Tiffycat - where have you been?...''

Well on February 22nd, I had been darted and fed catnip and I went with DS to an audition in London at a top academy for a Musical Theatre course. The Tiffster had travelled to London!!! (NB - I am a recovering agoraphobic). We went by coach to London Victoria and just as we'd left the drop off point at Marble Arch, we saw a royal liveried carriage, with footmen, beautiful horses and mounted guards and a police escort. I thought how very kind it was of HRH to come and meet me! However, I couldn't get the tiffin' coach driver to pull over, so we missed each other.

We'd booked into a B&B and it only took us an hour and a half to eventually find it just across the road from the coach station at Victoria! (Can I borrow your map next time gazzer?:D )

It was an awful B&B. DS and I went off for feeding time out into the capital and also brought tickets to see the musical ''Billy Elliot'' at the Victoria Palace for that evening. I wasn't particularly looking forward to it as I'd been a bit disappointed with the film. Then we went off because I wanted to show him Buckingham Palace and take some piccies to prove we were there. His dad had taken him to London before but only took him to Chinatown as his dad was into martial arts etc. and DS never saw any sights! It took ages because I can only walk slowly and a London mile is like 10 miles anywhere else. I'd really wanted to get to Speaker's Corner at Hyde Park as I'd never been there (no, it was nothing to do with my plans for world domination!), but I just couldn't make it.

So we stopped and had something to eat at a lovely little place near the theatre and then walked back to the B&B. By the time we got back to the basement - you think I'm joking! - at the B&B, I was exhausted.
Guess how pleased I was to suddenly realise it was only an hour and ten minutes before the show started?!(There'll be a lot of these in my posts!) No catnaps or anything - just time to change and catch a taxi to the theatre. Dreading 2 hours of monotony. Not my cup of catnip, iykwim - miners, ballet and a bit of a corny storyline.

Front stalls, end of row, 10 rows from front. Surrounded by the plushness and sparkling chandeliers you imagine seeing at a London theatre. Private boxes leaning out from the walls to be seen - just everything you see on the television. But here you could actually feel the raw honesty of excitement of the performance, both within the audience and on stage. This wasn't where a Tiff belonged!

Yet there I was, sitting next to my son, watching my first London show. And I felt like a little girl and lost in the grandeur of it all. And the show - my God - it was amazing! (Oops, Tiffy tears!) It deserved the standing ovation it got and was a million times better than the film. It was exquisite and emotional and the cast were as brilliant as the stars were. Billy's dad was played by James Gladden who was Neil, the bi-sexual governor in Bad Girls - what a talented man! The last person you'd expect to be playing a tough guy and singing - wonderful! All the ''Billy's'' at their different ages were fantastic. Of course the Elton John number ''Electricity'' where the future man Billy dances with the current Billy and he becomes airborne, had everyone (including DS and I), in tears and it still has the power to shiver my heart. The power of brilliance was there because your eyes couldn't leave the stage. It was one of the best nights of my life seeing that show with DS. He was so proud to be the one with me to see my first London show, bless him. And some of my tears were of sadness because it has really started to hit me just how very much my agoraphobia and other mental and physical health problems have taken me away from - how much I've been missing, how much I'd lost. And for that time - that one day - I was a part of everything again. (silly soggy Tiff!)

The next day, they all auditioned by going through a day of classes so it's not a 3 minute X-Factor audition by any means. The morning's dance classes went badly he said and he was gutted and didn't think he'd get in at all. In fact at around lunchtime, he popped out to find me, ready to leave, wanting to walk out. And guess what - the Tiffster wasn't there!
I'd gone out into the town (Epsom) ALONE and I actually went and had something to eat!(told you!) So he had no choice but to stay. He was glad he did because he enjoyed the acting class and the vocal class and his indivdual singing and dance audition in front of the panel went well and he enjoyed them. Still, he knew he wasn't going to get in but wasn't too down-hearted because it was the first audition he'd been to for HE and it was a good experience he said, gives you an idea of what to expect.

One week later a letter came. DS got accepted! I have never seen him so happy! I was so proud.
But, (there's always at least one isn't there?!), there was the little matter of tuition fees...
- @£13,000 per annum, plus finding and paying for private medical insurance, lodgings, equipment and food and living money!- (here we go again!) -

which are not covered by normal student loans at that academy.
There is something called DaDAs (Dance and Drama Awards), which are scholarships that can be won to pay for everything and he was invited to go back again to audition for one on 21st April. That's when the Tiffster's luck ran out because DS had a serious virus the week before (as did the whole college) and I called the academy on the Friday to say how ill DS was and there was a chance he might not make it on the Monday. They said they'd take his audition pieces into consideration for a scholarship as they remembered him from his recent audition day.
A week later a letter came saying that he hadn't gotten a scholarship but they'd hold a place for him as a full fee paying student. We were gutted. Even if I did go and stand on some street corners, it wouldn't do any good - I'd only end up having to give punters refunds and change back! That amount of money isn't a part of our lives.

On 15th April, Tiffy and DS were making another attack, ahem, - visit - to London for an important audition somewhere else. Tickets bought, Tiffy muzzled and DS vaccinated, catnip at the ready. Tiffy in London -twice!!! - (and another one!)

There were 19 boys auditioning that day aged 16 up, and there were students there from Japan, China, Germany, France, Switzerland, Spain, Italy, the US and Lithuania! There were only 4 UK students. There was an hour and a half of an intricate and strenuous ballet class and DS said he'd felt and looked like a total idiot in there, and he'd felt really low. He said the other boys/men looked like they were made of rubber.
They then had a 30 minute contemporary class there and DS said he was so angry at how the ballet had gone, that he just let go and wiped the floor with them. But he was gutted about the ballet, which he's come to love as well even though he's only had a year and a half training in it. They finished about 4.30pm and they said that they'd be asking some to stay behind for a physical and a panel interview but that they couldn't see everyone, so if they weren't called out, they shouldn't assumed they'd failed. At the start of the day, the Director did say that they were looking for potential. They said they would all get a letter saying yes, no or reserve (which the Director said they do dip into every year) in about 3 weeks.

Two students already studying there had told told me that you might be called for an interview or physical if they weren't sure you were physically sound enough for the course or maybe committed enough or because you were really good. Then equally, there was another 4 students saying that they weren't aware of anyone getting in who hadn't had an interview and/or medical, that it was very rare. They'd had two audition days in October and two days in April (one of which we went to) and two audition days in June. So chances were already slim._pale_

DS didn't have his name called out - he was absolutely devastated! He couldn't wait to get out of there and once outside the gates, the tears came. He was breaking his heart in the street and it really tore at me to see him come crashing down. And I had to let him run the whole gamut of emotions - I didn't want to insult his intelligence and nothing I could say would make him feel any better, and although it's cruel, it's a cut-throat business he's going into and I wanted him to find his own way through the ordeal - develop a coping strategy of his own to survive by in the future - does that make sense guys? I felt so helpless. I comforted him as best I could and we held hands once on the train to the main station. He turned 18 on Valentine's Day and I was touched that he still turned to me to be there for him.

:jPROUD MOTHER WARNING!:j

After more heartache than you can imagine sometimes, I am extremely proud to tell you that 10 days later, DS recieved a letter offering him a place. He has been accepted to study at a world-famous Conservatoire in London from September. DS will be studying a Joint BA(Hons) Degree in both Ballet and in Contemporary Dance at the renowned Rambert School of Ballet and Contemporary Dance. It is the only place in the UK that offers this double degree and Rambert has an international reputation of quality. I burst into tears with pride. We still can't believe he was offered an unconditional place without having had an interview or medical that day! Yes, he'd had to fill in an application and state why he wanted to study there and provide college references, but this was beyond his wildest dreams. Obviously there is more of a shelf-life to dance career-wise, so it makes sense to accept such a prestigious place. He'll never stop acting (which is also used in dance obviously), or singing, and Musical Theatre is something that he'll be able to go back to.

There are 3 years to the degree, and they only take in 34 students a year in total (females included!) - so there's only 102 students in the whole place! Some of the students will take part in Lecturers' research projects and they will be dancing 5 hours every day, with other lessons in theory and gym work as well as many other aspects. They encourage choreography - which he loves - but they will have that mostly in their own time after the class day, as well a show rehearsals. The average day is around 10 hours plus. 100% attendance is demanded. And the students get opportunities to dance at Sadler Wells and The Royal Opera House, as well as putting on shows in their own theatres on site and developing a repertoire.

Anyone who knows our story will understand why I've posted this with such pride. Something went wonderfuly right but after all we've been through, you'll understand why I'm waiting for the punchline - God forbid! His story has been a real Billy Elliot story and all the beatings he took at school now seem to have brought him this success as a reward if he stays the course. I was going to post this the week we heard but the thread was going through some tough times and it just didn't feel right to sit here bragging about his success when people are hurting - I've been on the other end of that.

Yet now I think is the time for posting this, so I hope you'll forgive me. Many things are going wrong in my life at the moment (won't put you to sleep with them) and against all odds, (sorry Phil Collins!), he has had the guts to withstand some really awful times and now a light has appeared in his life - one he never thought he'd see.
And when I see courage like that, it humbles me and it reminds me that maybe, just maybe, there's hope for me too.

Oh I nearly forgot - it was the Diamond Anniversary of this area Festival of Arts and I'd entered poetry and 2 short stories and I won the George Eliot Fellowship trophy for the best adult fiction. And yes, I did go and collect my trophy and I had to read it to the audience. I'm really seriously going to get back to work on my writing and work on getting some more of it published in addition to what I have already. a long term Tiff project.

Okay - that's yer lot for now! Move along now - nothing to see here! Soggy, sentimental Tiffster has to go and mop up some tears. I don't know why I'm crying - for all the bad things or for the good. Maybe after everything that's happened, maybe it's for both.

Be kind to yourself guys.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

Tiff_2

Hi guys!:hello:

Guess it's in the genes! Hugs to all.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

LadyMorticia

alba37 wrote: »

Good luck! Is the weather really bad in Cambridge? It's a normal, grey day here in Glasgow, looks like rain, but it's not on yet.

Oh heck yes! .lol. It's so wet and slippery and it just started raining again. I suffer from agoraphobia so going out is particularly hard for me and the weather just makes it worse.lol.
Ooo btw, welcome to the thread. I'm Anni :wave:

dawnylou

RBK, I used to really love my job. But since I became ill, I have lost all confidence in the job, can't stand using the telephone (which I have to do constantly at work) find it too much effort to talk to people (which makes me seem standoffish) panic at the thought of having to go have my lunch when the canteen or landing is busy (so sit and eat alone at my desk) I am now being told to try and sound more upbeat on the telephone (hard to do whilst stifling tears) I am unable to hit my targets (adding to my stress levels - but one target is especially hard - selling insurance. I can't do this as I no longer believe in insurance due to them not helping me out when I was ill!!!)

I now wake up and dread going to work. My heart races on the way there and I feel sick and tearful.
I burst into tears whenever I think about work or talk about it.

I don't really understand it, but it has become too much for me.
I loved this job, I loved it for almost 5 years!! I don't really know what happened!

And I don't really know where to go from here either

Sorry to have rambled on, I'm sure you didn't want to hear all of that whining!

Thanks for offering to let me know the difference between councelling and psycotherapy.

My appointment wasn't too great as I was given a prescription even though I said I didn't want to be on meds. And looking this one up weght gain seems to be a common side effect - I cannot put on any more weight. I am overweight now and struggling to lose it!!!
My SIL to be says not to take them, my friend says take them, my doc gave me prescription even though I didn't want it...I'm torn I don't know what to do!!!!
I can't even make my own decisions!!

I hope that you are well x


Pink Princess, your post really touched me. It is lovely to hear something supportive from someone who hasn't been there before. Usually people who haven't suffered will tell us to pull ourselves together and move on with our lives. (Believe me I would if I could!) So your lovely post meant a lot to me (and probably others here too!) xxx

LadyMorticia

Well, I managed to go out. I had an anxiety attack though and now I feel really faint, which I'm sure is a result of the anxiety attack so now I'm sitting with a cuppa and watching TV.

I hate being like this.
And now I feel really on edge and paranoid and just eurgh.
Does anyone have any spare virtual hugs for me? It's times like these I'd like a real one but alas I have no one to give me one.
I sound like such a pathetic loser.

feelinggood_2

weegie.geek wrote: »

Didn't you speak to the duty psych or anything?

No. Just saw the Triage Nurse, then a Duty GP, then some guy from the Crisis Team.

Only the nurse looked at my cuts, and but some temporary dressing on the open ones (don't really want open wounds in a hospital!) and said the doctor would look at them.

Husband went to work today, and I've not heard from 'the other guy'.

Just waiting for the phone to ring. If it doesn't by 5pm, then I think I'm going to get another emergency GP appointment and ask them to just give me something to shut me up and stop me feeling bad and stop me annoying them.

alba37

LadyMorticia wrote: »

Oh heck yes! .lol. It's so wet and slippery and it just started raining again. I suffer from agoraphobia so going out is particularly hard for me and the weather just makes it worse.lol.
Ooo btw, welcome to the thread. I'm Anni :wave:

Hi Anni, well done on getting out. Did you get done what you wanted before you had to come home? I'm not great at getting out myself, but the weather doesn't make a difference to me, lol, prob cause it rains so much here! Take it easy now, stay seated for a while till the faint feeling passes. Hope you feel better very soon.

dawnylou wrote: »

RBK, I used to really love my job. But since I became ill, I have lost all confidence in the job, can't stand using the telephone (which I have to do constantly at work) find it too much effort to talk to people (which makes me seem standoffish) panic at the thought of having to go have my lunch when the canteen or landing is busy (so sit and eat alone at my desk) I am now being told to try and sound more upbeat on the telephone (hard to do whilst stifling tears) I am unable to hit my targets (adding to my stress levels - but one target is especially hard - selling insurance. I can't do this as I no longer believe in insurance due to them not helping me out when I was ill!!!)

I now wake up and dread going to work. My heart races on the way there and I feel sick and tearful.
I burst into tears whenever I think about work or talk about it.

I don't really understand it, but it has become too much for me.
I loved this job, I loved it for almost 5 years!! I don't really know what happened!

And I don't really know where to go from here either

Sorry to have rambled on, I'm sure you didn't want to hear all of that whining!

Thanks for offering to let me know the difference between councelling and psycotherapy.

My appointment wasn't too great as I was given a prescription even though I said I didn't want to be on meds. And looking this one up weght gain seems to be a common side effect - I cannot put on any more weight. I am overweight now and struggling to lose it!!!
My SIL to be says not to take them, my friend says take them, my doc gave me prescription even though I didn't want it...I'm torn I don't know what to do!!!!
I can't even make my own decisions!!

Dawnylou, I can relate to all of that, you sound just as I did... even the job sounds similar! I lost mine in the end, and I still find using the phone very difficult. (6 years on)

I am pro medication, my reason being I think it saved my life! I have seen it help so many others too. Weight gain is a side effect of so many meds, but I have lost several stone over the last year through diet and excercise, I am on Mirtazapine. I am hopeless at decisions too, but I have no doubt that medication is there to help, and would recommend that anyone who needs it, and is advised to take it by a doctor gives it a try. I would try anything to make me feel better.