My Diary - SmellyOldSock

Milly1974

From the sounds of it, it would be your hubby's butt that needs kicking, not yours!

Have you seen anyone about the depression? First things first and all that.

Milly x

ps. sounds like you may be in need of a dodgy hug. :grouphug:

SmellyOldSock

thank you.

I'm on anti-ds, am a bit of an hold hand at this depression lark. Have had it since I was 16 yrs, so am very aware of the downhill spiral I'm now on.

some of how I'm feeling is very much depression, but some is fustration. I'm tired but can't sleep, I'm hungry but don't eat.

The debt is my fault. I just want everyone to be happy, so think getting them what they want will make them so. It doesn't, it just brings on more stuff they want/expect.

I've just gotta get back on track with the finances again, was doing so well!

thank you again
Charlotte

Milly1974

I hope I am not overstepping the mark here, but my OH has a tendancy for depression. We have been together 2 years, and lived together for the last 7 months, so I am still learning how to deal with his mood swings.

Does your husband fully understand how to help you? I don't know if you have heard the phrase "if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem"? Could Hubby be helping you more, even if it just to provide some stability for you to pull yourself up on? I know that depression is not easy to deal with on your own.

Equally, if he is helping as much as he can, does he need support from someone else? I am sure you know that it is not easy to see someone close to you feeling less than 100%.

This may not be what you want to hear, but to my mind, finances take second place to health. You guys are coping financially. All your minimum payments are made each month, and your debt will slowly but surely decrease. If you need to have targets, set them on the basis of not increasing your debt. Anything more is an acheivement in itself. Meanwhile, concentrate in feeling better in yourself, and enjoying time with your young family.

Finally, if you ever need a rant, you know where we all are.

SmellyOldSock

My dear hubbie doesn't think I need anti-d's. He doesn't understand and doesn't always wants to. Some of it is my fault as I put on a front, to the world I'm happy and in control.

We've had some rough times and many medical professionals have spoken to him, but he's in complete denial. In some ways its flattenly that he doesn't see my behaviour as 'abnormal' but some times I just wish he'd acknowledge it.

I've just gotta get back on the wagon, and start sorting things out again.

Thank you for your understanding, I appreciate it's hard living with someone who has depression, I'm surprised my hubbie is still here!

best wishes
Charlotte

Lula-Hula

Whoah there missy,

You are doing a fantastic job coping with 3 of your own kids full time as well as 3 step kids part time. You need a break girl, not a butt kicking :rolleyes: .

Seriously, you need to get some you time to just be you & look after you, without anyone else making demands.

I fully understand what you say about your OH not appreciating just how debilitating & soul destroying depression is. My b/f stood in my kitchen as I was crying hysterically & told me that there was nothing wrong with me & that I was just attention seeking :mad: . The only reason that he is not buried in my garden is that he was stood in front of the knife drawer at the time .

It is NOT your fault that you either have depression or that you put on a brave face. That is what you are forced to do in order to cope with the demands of being a wife & mother to 6 :eek: children. The fact that you are putting a brave face on it shows how much you care for those around you & try not allow your illness to affect their lives :A.

It's time for you to put yourself first now. If your OH is currently off work after his operation then he should be taking on far more responsibility for the kids (particularly his from previous marriage) & giving you a break.

Even if you just get a couple of hours to yourself then go for a walk up a hill or on the beach & just enjoy being by yourself with no responsibilites. Make this happen every day or at least every other day & everyone will get used to coping without you for a couple of hours.

I know you are currently taking meds but I also fully recommend a book called "Beating Depression" by David Hines / Hind - sorry cant remember which - Apart from helping me to understand my situation & learn some coping strategies it also helped my b/f to understand it too. I didnt force him to read it, just left it lying around & his curiosity eventually got the better of him. People who have never suffered with depression rarely understand it & as by it's very nature it is a solitary, internal form of pain, we tend to try to cope as we know how irrational our suffering appears to others.

Sorry for the rant, just want you to know that it's not your fault & you are dealing with an awful lot of pressure & we care .

Re the debts - as long as you're not falling behind then dont worry too much for now, it's only money & you need your health back before you can take on any more.

love & hugs
lula x

SmellyOldSock

Feeling a bit better today. Am still not 100%, very tired and grumpy. Hubbie seems to have noticed but not responded yet.

Have had another look at debts and not as bad as first thought. Had a major panic attack, meant to be moving forward not backwards.

Never mind am going to start again, will do a new SOA and make some serious cutbacks. Its my own fault after all.

I've just accepted another cleaning job on a Saturday, as if I haven't enough to do, but I want to make a big dent in the debt.

Am very frustrated that we also don't seem to be able to find our deposit. The letting agent say they haven't got it so have gone to our Council (who housed us) and am waiting a reply from them, previous landlord assures me the council have it! Time will tell.

gotenks1321

Don't want to overstep the mark here but does your hubby know just how bad your depression is? My ex gf suffered quite badly even before our son was born and it just got worse after that. She'd been a self harmer for quite a few years before I met her and it really took a lot for me to realise what she was going through. Even then there were times when she'd be crying and there was just nothing I could do, I just didn't understand and know what to do.

I know you say you've got a lot going on at the moment but do you manage to get out and about on your own occasionally? I get very stressed with my job and find it very easy to snap at people who mean the most to me without meaning to. I find that half an hour in the gym or just going for a bike ride or walk really helps and I sleep a lot better that night too.

Sorry if that's me being too nosey or overstepping the boundary but I'm new here

SmellyOldSock

Thank you for the reply and no you're not over stepping the mark. Its good to hear from 'the other side' so to speak.

I'm building up to telling him how I feel, I would rather not as I feel like a failure, that I'm letting him and the kids down. Trouble is its effecting day to day stuff. Don't wanna go out so don't get shopping, kids bored as we haven't been out for a walk or anything. I'm shutting myself away and its not fair on the kids, its not there fault.

I don't self harm, I'm lucky I've never felt like that.

I know the signs, just need to get out again!

Many thanks
Charlotte

SmellyOldSock

Have had some okay days, feel as if I've turned a corner.

We're in our overdraft, so have decided to use Barclaycard Cheque to clear it so I can start afresh so to speak.

I just can't see the way forward otherwise. Hubbie is off work starting next week for 3-4 weeks. Aren't looking forward to having him here as he's an awful patient, and demanding.

Charlotte

Lula-Hula

Hi hon,

glad you're back & round that corner .

I've kind of lost the plot a bit with finances so just going to let run now til the end of the holidays then start again with fierce determination as from monday 1st September.

Sympathies re the OH being off work but do take full advantage of escaping yourself as much as possible. Get up early, prepare him food for the day then leave him to it with or without kidlets as you see fit

Thank goodness for MSE eh

lula x