Should your family contribute?

elljay

Both really. Having just been to a wedding full of fluffy table settings and ex school friends that no-one has heard of for years and hearing how long it will take for the dad to repay the debt this whole thread has touched a nerve, both with me and with the majority of the other posters. The daughter (and her mum his wife) ran absolutely amok with the arrangements and the poor man looked completely worn down and worried sick. But already a few weeks down the line, the expensive fluffy things have been forgotten and everything's apparently back to how it was before, apart from the poor dad who remains worried sick.

Sorry not to be clear - Liz

Mrs7ones

I have to say that todays 'trend' of OTT expensive weddings drives me mad.... especially as we have recently been on the receiving end of demands to contribute to a relative's (very) Big Day. We refused, and are now labelled as selfish for 'not making an effort' and spoiling the BRIDE'S day (bride - not bride and groom)....
:rolleyes:

MrsTinks

Interesting - I mean I'd not expact anyone to be out of pocket for our wedding... Well... I am not paying for their hotel rooms! but I'm also not demanding big presents, even the best men and maid of honour have had their outfits bought for them or hired and paid for by us. We'd like them to be there and they will be helping us all day it seems the least we can do!
OHs mum is paying for the wedding cake apparently, but I'm still going for a cheaper option and giving the work to a friend of mine (who could do with the cash too...) and my mum is doing the flowers - again I'm not going overboard but spending what I would have spent regardless... Pretty but affordable...
I really don't understand why people "expect" others to contribute... would they invite them to a ball and say "but you can only come if you pay for the waiters"...

Carrera74

I proposed to my OH 2 years ago and we agreed that we would pay for our day. I wouldn't dream of asking my parents to pay for the wedding. We saved the deposit up and took both sets of Mums with us to show them where we were having the wedding. My Dad has said he wants to pay for the package that we have got which is great and more so because I really didn't expect it as I know they hadn't put any money to one side in the hope that they would baggage me off one day lol

I think if your Dad wants to contribute it should be his choice and not feel like he has to do because you think he should.

My Grandad who is in his 70s thinks the deal we have got is extortinate (sp) when in fact if we'd got the same deal in the Summer it would have cost us around 4x as much. lol. He's set in his ways bless him

emmy05

id say if they offered, then fine, but i wouldnt expect anyone else to pay or even ask them to contribute.
have you looked at what sort of wedding you can get on the money you know you definately have?

little_miss_messiah

Oh dear, reading my post it does seem extremely selfish, and without going into personal issues of how me and my sis were brought up etc I can't really fully explain the reasons.

Top and tail of it is that I have made my own way after being kicked out at 16, I have never receieved or asked for any help financial or otherwise despite some very harsh times. I have got a reasonable job and a fabby OH who is so supportive it's untrue. I work shifts and every day off either me or OH or usually both help Dad out with shopping, walking dog, vets, prescriptions etc, this leaves us with very little quality time together.

My sister on the other hand has receieved £1000s, my Dad supported her through college only for her to drop out 2 months before exams, let her stay at home rent free until the age of 25, and has cleared several debts over the years into the 1000s fopr her with no pressure to repay. She still can't hold down a steady job, but manages to be in the pub 5 days a week and lives less than 1/2 mile from him, yet he's seen her just twice since christmas.

I know this is getting into the realms of therapy, but I just wanted people to know I just wanted as nice a day as I could manage, after all it should be my Dad's proudest moment in life, and I'm not the selfish shellfish I appear, honest!

We're prob looking at about £5k all in, and was rather hoping we go 3rds with Dad and OH's Dad

skintchick

elljay wrote: »

This response quite upset me! Why do you say 'my' wedding or 'my' big day? Why not 'our'? It's about one day out of the several thousand that you and your lovely man will hopefully spend together. Why should there be an expectation that someone else should pay for every fluffy table setting or nth ex-school friend's meal that you want? I think the wedding should definitely be paid for by bride and groom - after all, who's getting married here? - and if both sets of parents or other family wish to contribute then that's absolutely great. And both sets of parents, why just the bride's? On the whole the system of dads paying to get rid of their daughter has probably on the whole died out in this country now!!

Liz

Ok as this was partly aimed at me:
I refer to it as 'my' day as my h2b has very little interest in the pretty side of things. Of course it is our marriage, but he refers to it as my day as it is me who is bothered about colour schemes and other girlie stuff like that.

There was no expectation that someone else should pay for anything - we were going to pay for it outrselves and my parents insisted on paying, just as they have insisted there is not really a budget but that we are to have what we want. In fact my mum has added stuff to the day that SHE wants.

My parents are not getting into debt for this - they have plenty of money and want to spend it on me. That is very lovely of them. My father would most definitely NOT get into debt for a wedding!

Both our families are old-fashioned and think that my family should pay - although h2b's family are paying for our transport (which happens to be a boat) as a donation to the day.

And for the record, I am having neither 'fluffy table settings' nor 'ex-school friends'; just 88 family and friends who we both love very much and want to share our special day.

And personally, I am looking forward much more to the marriage than the wedding day as we don't live together and I can't wait till we do.

princess1974

We are both working all the hours god gives us to pay for our wedding. Its not a big fancy affair and no one has offered or has suggested giving us anything towards our wedding and we certainly wouldnt expect it. Mind you I wouldnt dream of taking it either.. I am proud of the fact that we are working so hard to pay for our big day together and hopefully wont be in debt afterwards.(after all its sponsered practically by ebay) We have been together 4 years so are just starting out really, but being together 18 years is a long time and after all this time you shouldnt expect or use OH family as a way to rouse your dad into thinking about contributing...

Sorry i dont mean to offend and Good Luck.

emmy05

i think sometimes we will always find our parents spend more on one sibling than another, maybe its cos they know they wont cope or make their own way without it,

the only thing im trying to say - is if youre struggling to find the money now for your own wedding, are you going to make sure you have it for your own kids if they have the same 'parents should contribute' idea, i wouldnt expect for my kids to expect this even though i will, but i wouldnt break my back over it as a wedding is just a wedding, there may be other more important things your parents would rather put their money to, and tbh the divorce rate is so high, you got to wonder if they really would like to contribute to something that could only last 5 yrs or less......

frugallass

little_miss_messiah wrote: »

My sister on the other hand has receieved £1000s, my Dad supported her through college only for her to drop out 2 months before exams, let her stay at home rent free until the age of 25, and has cleared several debts over the years into the 1000s fopr her with no pressure to repay. She still can't hold down a steady job, but manages to be in the pub 5 days a week and lives less than 1/2 mile from him, yet he's seen her just twice since christmas.

sounds to me like the real issue is with your sister and not your dad - I still think you're wrong in expecting a contribution from either family though