Should your family contribute?

footballmanagerwidow

I think people are being a little bit harsh, but I do think you should probably count on your Dad not contributing a large amount - and if he does then it'll be a pleasant surprise. You need to bear in mind a man of your Dad's age will not understand how people "these days" can spend so much money on their wedding's as, as you rightly said, in their day a fish supper or a pint in the local pub was probably as extravagant as the receptions got!

DaisyFlower

We paid for our own small wedding apart from a few things that MIL bought. Marriage is about making a big commitment and not just about the day itself. The day can be as cheap or expensive as you make it.

I would never have dreamt of asking people to contribute, if they offer lovely but if they dont then thats fine too. I dont think parents should automatically be expected to contribute, at some point children have to learn to be financially independent.

tanith

The shoe being on the other foot in my case, my daughter has been with her partner many years and brought up a family together, if they decided to marry now it wouldn't enter their heads or mine to expect a parental contribution.. Why would you , you are all grown up in a stable relationship and if you want to spend lots on your wedding then do so , just don't expect your Dad to contribute... if he offered thats a different matter but for goodness sake you are hardly a child starting out from home on a big adventure... if I was in your Dads shoes I would also think that it would be crazy to get into debt to have your wedding and honeymoon. In your own words , you are short of cash so to have what you want you are putting others in the awkward position of refusing to help... If you want it then you pay for it... sorry if thats harsh but I can see it from your Dads point of view and I don't mean to upset you... I hope it all works out and you have a wonderful day...

k8te

I have to say i didn't expect anyone to pay for or towards our wedding, we are on a really tight budget, my partner is back at college retraining following a near fatal accident, and i only work part time. But it was our decision to get married, so we are paying for it, a nice informal ceremony at our town hall, then a evening disco and buffet. But me and my partner have wondered what our wedding would of been like if we had had more money, and you know what, we wouldn't change a thing! Well maybe i would hire the magician ;-)!! My dad has contributed but not towards the wedding he has paid off a very large loan, so we can start our married life with no debts, which is amazing, and my gran sent me a cheque, with a little note, saying dont waste it on the wedding put it to better use, bless her x . My dad also never raises his voice, and the only time recently he has got annoyed is when i was saying about how much people spend, he blames it on the wags!! Weddings to him, are quite simply you, your partner, family and close freinds, registry office or church if religious, then a pint a sandwich at the local pub.

mrcow

No, your family shouldn't have to contribute financially to your wedding.

To ask them outright for money is imo extremely crude.

And no, if you are going abroad for it (because it's cheaper for you) you should not expect them to go with you (it's certainly not cheaper for them!)

I guess it depends on whether your "dream wedding" involves having your family and those that you care about around you. If it doesn't, then by all means go abroad and get it done.

beer_tins

I'm getting married this year and my fiancee and I are both 30 and it is our first marriage. All our parents have contributed, which we are very thankful for, but didn't "expect" from them. In all we'll end up paying for about half of it ourselves, which is much more manageable obviously. I would say, graciously accept and contributions you are offered, in our case it will be instead of any presents from them, which is fine. If our parents were retired, or if one of us had been married before I wouldn't expect a contribution.

If I were in your situation I would consider getting hitched abroad somewhere, just the two of you plus maybe a best man and maid of honour. Then hire out a venue when you get back and have a party instead of a formal reception.

MsChazzer

We've been going on the idea that no one will contribute, then when people have it's been a pleasant surprise and means we can 'upgrade' a bit here and there (although that really just means having a good value barbecue buffet instead of pot luck dinner). Even with contributions we are coming in at well under the average wedding cost, to be honest if someone did want to give us thousands and thousands for a wedding I would rather put it towards buying a house (not that anyone has/is going to!).

zebidee1

little_miss_messiah wrote: »

Should I ask him outright so I know where I am with budgetting or is this just rude? Would it be better to approach OH's Dad first then I can mention it to mine? Or should we just sod off and get married abroad anyway?

Ok..you asked opinions so I hope you wont be offended if you dont like mine as I dont mean to upset you.

I think you are not only being rude for thinking about asking outright for financial help, you've also got a bit of a cheek.

I dont think it should ever have entered your mind to expect/assume/desire help from ANYONE. If you have been together 18 years then you have been living your own lives as independant adults and therefore are not in the same position as a young couple just starting off and leaving the nest for the first time.

You want a wedding...you pay for it.

If you are offered help, then count yourself lucky as most people after living together for 18 years would get a present and that's it.

Sorry, dont want to be harsh but if my kids asked me to shell out to give them a pretty day after 18 years, I'd not think much of them tbh. Your Father is right, if you just want to get married then you can do it cheaply. If you want a pretty day after all this time, then I feel that's your choice and the only consideration should be how your budget will deal with it.

Having said all that, I can understand why you might want more than a quick registry office / fish supper do, lol......but it's not right to want help to pay for it at your age and in your position. Sorry.

frugallass

I never expected (or asked) my dad to pay anything towards our [very cheap] wedding but he did contribute to the meal / champagne on the day

we married at a local register office, had 11 guests (including our two children) and had our reception at a local hotel with a 3 course meal and wine/bubbles. I didn't have flowers, a cake or even a dress but I didn't want any of that. We didn't have a wedding present list as we had our own house anyway - I just wanted to marry my man. Our honeymoon was a few [boozy] days in Dublin

9 years down the line, I wouldn't go back and change a single thing

You shouldn't expect your dad to pay anything or contribute in anyway - if he does, then it's a bonus

skintchick

elljay wrote: »

This response quite upset me! Why do you say 'my' wedding or 'my' big day? Why not 'our'? It's about one day out of the several thousand that you and your lovely man will hopefully spend together. Why should there be an expectation that someone else should pay for every fluffy table setting or nth ex-school friend's meal that you want? I think the wedding should definitely be paid for by bride and groom - after all, who's getting married here? - and if both sets of parents or other family wish to contribute then that's absolutely great. And both sets of parents, why just the bride's? On the whole the system of dads paying to get rid of their daughter has probably on the whole died out in this country now!!

Liz

Was that aimed at me or at the OP?