Should your family contribute?

little_miss_messiah

Hey everyone, thought I'd garner opinion from you wise wise people on this one...

After a Leap Year proposal and acceptance I'm feeling a little deflated, I'll briefly tell you my situation...

Me and my chap have been together 18yrs and other things have always go tin the way or seemed more important than marriage, but we both feel it's now the right time to seal our commitment and show the world how much we love each other.

We don;t have an awful lot of cash so were considering a wedding overseas. The main problem with this is my Dad (I lost my Mum at a young age) , I suffested this to him and he said he wouldn;t fly for any reason at all, which as you can expect left me somewhat deflated, my sister also only works part time and is terrible with cash and wouldn't go either, after asking friends I'd have one guest and my OH 3! I could have coped with this if my Dad was there to give me away so we have decided to get married in the UK, which once the honeymoon is added on is going to be markedly more expensive.

I've mentioned to my Dad several times the cost of weddings etc and the only comment he made was it could be done for £500 with a registry office and a fish supper! (you must understand my Dad is 76 and doesn;t comprehend irony, or dish it out) He also said it would be a disgrace if we got into debt to get married!

OH's dad will no doubt be contributing (he went halves for his younger son's wedding) but we haven;t had the discussion yet

Now I'm not expecting him to pay for the day or anything daft like that, but want to make sure our time together is celebrated in some sort of style albeit on a budget.

Should I ask him outright so I know where I am with budgetting or is this just rude? Would it be better to approach OH's Dad first then I can mention it to mine? Or should we just sod off and get married abroad anyway?

I will add that my Dad kicked me out when I was 16 for having the cheek to have a boyf 8 yrs older than me, who is the OH I'm still with and who he gets on with like a house on fire

mirrorimage0

when we started planning our wedding we were going to go abroad on our own, all the family said they would come but i didnt want the hassle of booking it all etc so decided to do it here which im glad of now as all my family and friends will be there, we didnt excpect any money of our familys and just got on with planning things but i think they noticed we were cutting corners and both sets of parents have ended up offering to pay for certain things like catering and hall hire and dj which im really glad of but would never have comsidered asking for anything.
i think it all depends on how you get on with your familys and how comfortable you are with asking for help, good luck with the planning

jackieb

If you really want to get married it shouldn't matter what kind of wedding you have. I got married at 18, dh was 21, and we didn't have any money. We got married in a registrars, and had a meal for 12 people. I never regret that I didn't have a bigger, fancier wedding. My parent's paid for my dress, and bought my bed and bedroom furniture. I wouldn't have wanted them to pay for it as I knew they really couldn't have afforded it.

You're 34yo now. Isn't that a bit old to expect your parent's to contribute towards your wedding? After all, your dad is 76 and presumably not working.

footballmanagerwidow

IMHO if he hasn't offered already I wouldn't have thought he can't be very willing to full stop. My husband and I got married last year in a church and had a buffet reception in a local hotel for 80 and we managed to pay for it all ourselves because we didn't have the luxury of family contributing. We managed to do it for just under £2,500 and had everything we wanted. It was a fantastic day and looking back at the photos I hope you never would have believed it was done for so little compared to the national average (about £18K I believe....). Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide x

MrsTinks

I'm very lucky in that my dad and grandparents have contributed a large amout to our wedding (£5k) but my mum hasn't contributed any... If she feels she has any spare money to help out then I'm sure she'll offer, but I wouldn't dream of asking her
I'm sure if your dad is able/wants to contribute then he'll let you know. If he can't afford to then it might just make him feel very bad if you ask him to and he can't...

elljay

I have to agree with the others -sorry! If any of the parents from either side want to contribute then I'm sure they'd offer but I don't think you should ask or even have any expectation that they should do. If your dad wanted to remarry, would he ask you to contribute to his wedding or expect you to? I don't see what the difference is.

We married in much the same way as jackieb, it's not about how much the wedding costs is it? It's just one day, over and done with very quickly. It's better to have good relationships without any difficult feelings for several lifetimes than to have awkwardness that could last that long.

Liz

amaseal

We had a cheap wedding when I was on maternity leave with my third child - I had a new dress and so did my little girls. Afterwards we took over an Italian restaurant and everyone happily paid for themselves.
When you've been together for so long its not surprising that people are less enthusiastic, just make sure that the people that you want to be there can come.
My Mum had paid for my sister's wedding but as she'd now retired I was happy for her to keep her savings for her own bills. Let your Dad keep his money - he owes you nothing.
My friends had a Ceiledh in the Village Hall, that was a happy occasion.
I wouldn't get in debt for the sake of a Honeymoon either.

Krystaltips

I would never dream of asking my Dad for money towards the wedding, I know he will contribute something but I don't know how much or when (He gave my sister a couple of hundred on the morning of the wedding). OH's Dad has given us some money so far and apart from a promise of money from OH's Mum (that we probably won't see) that is all. We have booked things for our wedding that we want and can afford ourselves.

We are not commiting ourselves to anything over our budget, that way ant money gifted to us will go on a honeymoon or setting up home together (Buying the left overs from the wedding list lol) and if we don't get any money gifted to us we won't be left struggling to pay for things.

skintchick

jackieb wrote: »

If you really want to get married it shouldn't matter what kind of wedding you have. I got married at 18, dh was 21, and we didn't have any money. We got married in a registrars, and had a meal for 12 people. I never regret that I didn't have a bigger, fancier wedding. My parent's paid for my dress, and bought my bed and bedroom furniture. I wouldn't have wanted them to pay for it as I knew they really couldn't have afforded it.

You're 34yo now. Isn't that a bit old to expect your parent's to contribute towards your wedding? After all, your dad is 76 and presumably not working.

I don;t entirely agree with this. It matters to me what my wedding is like - I've waited 33 years to find the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and I would be upset to have to compromise too much on my big day.

And I'd expect my parents to want to contribute to my wedding no matter what my age (in fact I am lucky as mine are paying for everything and I've been given pretty much an open cheque for it so I know I am very blessed).

Having said that you cannot ask for money! My parents offered (insisted) but we had planned on paying for it ourselves and I'd never have asked for anything.

I think you have to see IF people offer.

elljay

This response quite upset me! Why do you say 'my' wedding or 'my' big day? Why not 'our'? It's about one day out of the several thousand that you and your lovely man will hopefully spend together. Why should there be an expectation that someone else should pay for every fluffy table setting or nth ex-school friend's meal that you want? I think the wedding should definitely be paid for by bride and groom - after all, who's getting married here? - and if both sets of parents or other family wish to contribute then that's absolutely great. And both sets of parents, why just the bride's? On the whole the system of dads paying to get rid of their daughter has probably on the whole died out in this country now!!

Liz

floss2

I agree with Elljay - after all, if your dad was in a position to pay (which your post hadn't mentioned) then I am sure he would offer. Why should you expect it - he probably thinks that after 18 years together you have all the money saved up, which after all is quite a reasonable assumption to make.