daughter aged 10 is saying she wants to live at her dads

sarahmoon_2

I did this as a child. My mum and dad split up when I was 12. I went to see my dad in the holidays and he had a new woman who was sooo lovely to me. I went to live with them, but it changed. She wasn't nasty, she just didn't want me full time. I was desparate to get back to my mum, and waited a whole year before I had the courage to say I wanted to go home. I'm so glad I did.

The novelty would soon wear off if you did let her.
And funnily enough my dad is still with the woman, he comes up ti visit us regular, she never comes!

findingmyownway

I agree with the majority of the other posters that this is unlikely to be a permanent thing. Perhaps she is just missing her Dad a little more than usual, they all go through different stages at different time.

Why not suggest she spends some extra time there? Like every weekend for a while? Or a longer friday-monday stretch.

From a personal point of view, OH's eldest daughter moved in with us last year - it was never going to be permanent, she just needed a short sharp shock and sorting out a few problems at school and with her mum etc. Now she spends half the week with us and half with her mum - it works well, she gets the stabiity and routine at our house but still gets to see her mum who naturallly she loves very much.

Rather than just giving in and sending her to her Dads, i think you should offer to up the contact with him. This may well be enough and it shows you are thinking about what she wants but not just letting her demand where she lives from one minute to the next.

I find the attitude of some posters quite offensive. The asumption that the Dads new girlfriend would not want the child, or would get "fed up" or the "novelty would wear off" is unduly harsh. If someone said that to me about my relationship with my step kids i would be very upset - noone on this forum knows the woman, its easy to blame her unfairly.

Poppy9

findingmyownway wrote: »

I find the attitude of some posters quite offensive. The asumption that the Dads new girlfriend would not want the child, or would get "fed up" or the "novelty would wear off" is unduly harsh. If someone said that to me about my relationship with my step kids i would be very upset - noone on this forum knows the woman, its easy to blame her unfairly.

I speak from experience. My brother divorced and left behind 3 young children (5, 3 & 1). He didn't want the divorce but he came home from working away to find his bags (or rather bin bags) packed for the second time and that was that. He felt very guilty about his children and saw them just one day a week as he worked away all week.

He eventually bought a new house and moved in with his GF (now his wife). While his new wife was happy for the children to come over every Saturday they rarely stayed the night. Brother went on to have another child with his second wife. My brother started his own business and is extremely wealthy but still lives in a 2 bed house. Why? He wanted to move and indeed bought another much larger house about 10 years ago, but his wife refused to move as she likes her little house. To me it was her excuse for not having his children to live with them (this was a possibilty when the children were in their teens ). Brother's eldest child has said the same thing many a time though she gets on well & is quite close with her step mother. Brother's children are now all grown up and have their own homes now. Guess who's now agreed to move into a bigger house!

I though blame my brother for the situation. They are his children and he had a duty to them, it seems though that he wanted a quiet life. His wife dotes on him and he doesn't have to lift a finger at home which he loves so he didn't want to upset the apple cart.

hobo28

Good luck, hope you spoke with your ex and came up with a solution.

Personally I would advise against giving a 9 year old the power to choose where she lives. Just sets a bad precendent and opens you both to either being emotionally blackmailed or your DD ping ponging between homes everytime she changes her mind. At 9 i just dont think she can make such a big decision. Also, I wonder how much your ex would truly want to have your daughter living with him.

Its easy to be nice and positive if you only see your daughter/step daughter a small amount of time but if you become the primary carer and have to balance work with parenting its much much harder. And as for his GF, being a part time step mum is one thing but again I doubt she signed up to being full time parent all of a sudden.

piratess

I can understand totally where your coming from,My son went thro this his dad lived 7 hours away from us in cornwall, He was 9 at the time and we talked everything through etc his reasons for wanting to (he was always his dads shadow) and i agreed to allow him to decide and that if he wanted to go then id be ok with it ... hes been with his dad since! and hes now 13, getting on amazingly well loves his school etc and for him he made the right decision for me though i miss him incredibly! hes growing so fast and im missing out, But he is happy and settled and knows im always here if he wants to come home! ........

I hope you manage to sort somthing out, its heartbreaking xxx

Lady_S

piratess wrote: »

I can understand totally where your coming from,My son went thro this his dad lived 7 hours away from us in cornwall, He was 9 at the time and we talked everything through etc his reasons for wanting to (he was always his dads shadow) and i agreed to allow him to decide and that if he wanted to go then id be ok with it ... hes been with his dad since! and hes now 13, getting on amazingly well loves his school etc and for him he made the right decision for me though i miss him incredibly! hes growing so fast and im missing out, But he is happy and settled and knows im always here if he wants to come home! ........

I hope you manage to sort somthing out, its heartbreaking xxx

Must admit I think you are the bravest person I think I have met. Congratulations on putting yourself before you son, regardless of the pain. I hope he appreciates you as much as he should.

angierey

I really feel for you,
my own daughter is 11 now and goes to stay with her dad once a month for the weekend, and he takes her holidays abroad and treats her to things that i cant afford to treat her to. She has never asked to go an live there permanently, but has hinted at it before, and asked why we cant do fun stuff like dad does all the time, and it hurts.

what i did was sat down and explained to my daughter that her dad has the rest of the month to save money and get all the boring chores like food shopping and housework out of the way so that he can spend all his time with her when she comes to stay, and that he keeps money by to be able to treat her when she visits too. And although it seems like dad always treats her all of the time, it is still only for 2 or 3 days out of a month. When i explained the reality of it, that if she lived there permanently, then the situation would be reversed and I would be working more hours and earning more money and be able to treat her once a month and her dad would either have to get a childminder or work less hours ( i did work full time, but went part time to be able to spend time with her so she has experienced both situations ) and he would be doing all the ordinary things like making sure she did her homework, and waking her up early for school, making her tidy her room etc, and she understands. I would try talking to your daughter and be sure its not just about daddys going to get her a drum kit, or that she thinks she will be treated all the time. Once she realises that daddy will be doing the ordinary day to day things if she stayed there and it wont be like one big long weekend, then she might change her mind.

dipsy

thank you to all of you that have posted.

I have spoken with my daughter and suggested we see if she can go over to her dads more, and she seems to be happy with this for the moment.

so fingers crossed this will blow over as many of you have said.

Thanks again, its always good to see other peoples points of views on things like this when it seems impossible to think straight yourself.

big hugs to all of you terrific people x x