daughter aged 10 is saying she wants to live at her dads

dipsy

Hi

Not sure how to react to this, gutted....

My son (13) and daughter (10) stop with their Dad every other weekend, up until very recently my daughter never really wanted to go.

Their dad has a girlfriend now that lives with him, she is really nice and really good with the children, she doesn't have any.

Anyway to cut a long story short his g/f works part time so is able to pick daughter up sometimes from school, as she did on Friday and took here to her friends party.

I work full time and live on my own, and therefore am not always able to pick her up and have to rely on my parents to do this sometimes or the good will of my child minder.

anyway she came back yesterday from her Dads and has announced she would like to live with them "for a change"

Son is not interested in living there in the slightest....

I suspect it is more to do with the fact she gets to do pretty much what she likes, also they live quite a distance from her school, so I don't see how they would be able to get her to where she needs to be.

how should I approach this?

any thoughts/suggestions welcome x

zebidee1

First thought is that you should talk to her Dad. Is it likely that he wouldn't want her full time? If so, then he can be the 'baddie' and talk to her about how impractical it would be.

The grass is ALWAYS greener for kids isn't it? God love them, they haven't got a clue really most of the time.

How would you feel about letting her go? Novelty value is completely different from the way things would be if she were there all the time. Maybe a few weeks of reality might help her realise how things are not so bad at home after all?

dipsy

I will talk to him, I told her I would

I would miss her so much, she is like my shadow at home all the time, I just can't work out why this has come about.

Her brother said its because they said she can have a drum set at theirs, I don't have enough room.

Guess its my own fault for not always letting her have her own way- but I believe in boundrys, always thought that was the right way.

weary with it all really, had so much going on recently and now this is the final straw.

I was pretty awful this morning to her - almost child like myself.

Told her that fine go live with your dad but remember there will be no friends stopping over/no holidays etc (dad never takes her anywhere)..... I know I shouldn't have but i was so angry and upset.... and Im flippin 40 lol I should know better...

Elliesmum

dipsy wrote: »

Guess its my own fault for not always letting her have her own way- but I believe in boundrys, always thought that was the right way.

dipsy - PLEASE stop beating yourself up over this. Of course children should have boundries - IT IS the right way.

It is nothing you have done, as another poster put it - the grass is greener on the otherside with kids.

Talk to her Dad - but please do not think this is your fault for not letting your daughter get her own way.

Really sorry - have to go as I need to do the school run - good luck, I really hope this works out for you.

EM xx

Zazen999

Being someone who has inherited a child of my OH's, who stays with us pretty much the same as yours are with their dad - the novelty will wear off AND if she stayed there for any great length of time I would like to think that the gf would have her own rules- I certainly do and whilst it was fun at the start, once she realised that I did have rules, it got a bit tense for a while. She is used to them now, I am happy because she knows the rules - and she is happy because although they are just as strict as the ones at home, they are stricter on different levels and for different reasons.

I think the novelty will also wear off for the gf as well pretty soon!!!

It's not a reflection on you - it's just the novelty factor. I'd just go with 'of course you would but not at the moment' if she asks again...you can't split them up so her brother would have to be in agreement and from what you say there's no chance of that.

Or you could try it for a fortnight, go off somewhere warm and leave them to it!!!

belfastgirl23

Y'know it is entirely possible that it is because she can have a drum kit

I think it's very easy to take something like this really personally when it isn't at all about you. It might not be any consolation but your DD obviously feels confident enough in herself (and in your love for her) that doing something like this doesn't faze her. In some ways that reflects well on your parenting

I'd say do talk to her dad about it but also try to talk to her 'in between' times about it. I do think she probably hasn't thought it through at all. It would be worth telling her that you'll miss her and trying to encourage her to realise for herself that it means that you won't be there. I know that's a very obvious point to an adult but somehow she might not have fully seen it.

But I agree with zebidee as well, the last thing you want is to come out as the bad guy - if dad has problems with this then he needs to talk to her about them. And I suspect he will.

In the meantime though just try to bear in mind that this is probably nothing at all to do with how she feels about you....

newlywed

If it is about the drum kit - do you think they might reconsider that option if she was living with them 24/7 ???

cazziebo

How awful for you -sending big virtual hugs!

I had this with my daughter as well - and I was completely devastated. Their dad and his wife are lovely people and very well off and yes, she probably would have had a nicer life rather than a mum who works all the time, is tired a lot, and can't go to five star hotels in the Caribbean for holidays. Both girls have their own rooms with own en suites at their dad's house. In fact - I want to live there too!

Seriously, I was in two minds - should a child be able to pick where they live? It would be a huge upheaval all round and as DD1 was perfectly happy to stay as is meant the family would be split even more. When it came to it, it really wasn't practical - different schools, new friends etc etc. and she decided herself she was better off at home without it ever really coming to a head.

Can I also say it is so nice to see such good advice? Yes I think the drum kit is a major factor here! Think it's very brave of the OP to post this.

Hope she settles down
x

dipsy

Thank you for all your advise,

I will talk to her this evening after talking to her dad.

I guess I will see what he has to say before I go any further with this, but he is not the easiest person to talk to, he just listens doesn't say an awful lot.

I will let you know how I get on

and many thanks again to you all x x

Loretta

i would just be vague and say you will think about it, or not just at the moment and see if it passes. I wouldn't even discuss it with her Dad at this stage. Just keep it light and be busy and see what happens in 6 months time

Penny-Pincher!!

dipsy wrote: »

Guess its my own fault for not always letting her have her own way- but I believe in boundrys, always thought that was the right way.

You sound like the perfect mother! I admire parents with great work and famitly ethos. All kids push their parents to their limits and I think thats all she is doing here and testing the boundaries.

I think if it were me...I would have packed her bag and asked her what time she wanted to be dropped and that you would see her in 2 weeks. I bet that would be a picture:rotfl: ....I do have kids....honestly:eek: :eek: :eek:

Keep your chin up....you are doing a marvelous job.

PP
xx