Telling childdren about a miscarriage

beefcarrot

It looks like my wife may have had a miscarriage at 8 weeks - we're waiting on a scan to find out.
I was wondering if anyone here could give some advice on how I might tell our 2 older childen (5 and 3) about what has happened in as gentle but honest way. They're both fairly death obsessed at the moment, as it is.

melie3

i guess you have already told them you were expecting another baby??
they are fairly young to understand esp the 3 yr old. id be inclined not to tell them anything, at this stage.

LittleTinker

I wouldnt say a thing.....

skylight

5 and 3 are far too young. Perhaps it may be better to just tell them that we made a mistake and we are not having a baby now, plus Mummy is a bit poorly. Questions will be asked, but at this age perhaps its just best to say that you don't know, it was just a mistake. Obviously only after you have had everything checked out and you know for definate.

Big hugs to you and your wife.
xx

happysmile.

I had to tell my 4 year old in September. I told her Mummy and Daddy had made a mistake and there isn't a baby there and had to make a bit of a 'joke' of it. I had to stay in hospital so she thought I was just poorly and took it in her stride to be honest.
My thoughts are with you all.

*Louise*

I doubt your 3 year old will understand. Your 5 year old will have to be told something though - even if it is a white lie about it being a mistake, and there wasn't a baby.

If the scan shows the worst outcome - I'm so sorry for your loss.

morg_monster

I would agree that if you hadn't already told them about the pregnancy there's no need to tell them now. Of course if you have, like others have said, a white lie about a mistake seems preferable in my eyes to something closer to the truth which could really upset them. I just think at this difficult time there's no need to make things even more difficult for yourselves by seeing the kids upset and asking endless questions over it as well, even if it is from telling the truth.

In my experience these kind of things naturally "come out" when the kids are much much older (like late teens or adult even), and emotions about the experience were dealt with by parents a long time ago, and its much easier to talk about and discuss in a matter of fact way.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to your family. all the best with whatever you decide. xx

prestonlass

Wanting to post to offer a suggestion but not really wanting to get a load of flak from those who feel it best to say nothing, so here goes for what its worth....
My 5 year was aware that we 'might' be having a baby, had to tell him as he was getting worried that mummy was chucking up over the toilet most mornings and he was concerned that I was ill, so really felt it better to tell him the truth. It did become difficult when blood tests and scan confirmed that I would be miscarrying and when I ended up having to have a D&C.
We all know that children deal with things very well if they can relate and understand them simply. We explained that when he plants seeds in the garden, some grow and turn into flowers but some just don't grow. Our seed/egg wasn't healthy enough to grow into a baby so hopefully we would be trying again with a new one. It was just nature, some things grow and others don't, no need for tears or sadness.
For him personally that just seemed to make sense and for us as a family it was just the right way to deal with it.
You know your children best and without a doubt, whatever you do will be right for you and your children. Hope all goes as well as it can for you.

tanith

I agree and say nothing... if you must then go down the road that Mummy made a mistake... at their ages they really don't need any 'nuts and bolts' or to realise at such a young age how cruel life can be sometimes.... let them live in blissful ignorance for a few more years...

I too am sorry you are going through this... good luck

squashy

I am really hoping you have a good outcome, if your wife is having a bleed it could be something that is explainable. If it turns out to be bad news then I am really sorry.

I admit that i did tell my children about my second miscarriage, the youngest being five. He sort of shrugged and didn't really take it in much. But we wanted to explain why mummy was so sad, plus i was in hospital so that also needed explaining. I didn't want to brush it under the carpet as such i guess like i had done with my first.

*Louise*

My son was 5 when we had to explain to him - he was at the hospital with us for the 17 week scan, (we thought it would be nice for him to see the baby) and the docs had to give us bad news while he was there. (Looking back they should probably have taken him out for a bit, but I was too upset to think straight)

He became really obsessed with death, angels, God, heaven, the lot - and it took him a long time to process the information. Little kids ponder things more than we give them credit for - that's why I would have went for a simple explanation/avoidance.