OH and his smoking habit!

littleowl

Hello - I do sympathise with you and admit I haven't read the whole of the the thread but perhaps can add another point of view?

I am a smoker. My last partner knew that - he was a 'reformed smoker' himself with all the self-congratulation that entails. I think a poet once said that the greatest destruction of a relationship is in attempting to change the other person into the ideal one expects.

I can't tell you of the amount of stress put upon me - the downloading of guilt every time I had a cigarette - even though it was in the garden and not the house. I went out of my way to try not to cause offense.
Eventually I realised that the pressure was too great and that I preferred living on my own and pleasing myself. The irony is that it is possible that I could have contemplated giving up smoking but that the aura of disapproval was a barrier rather than a help in that regard.

I don't know the answer, but I do know that I live very happily on my own without a daily reminder that I am some sort of criminal. My life, my choice!

noonesperfect

ailuro2 wrote: »

I'm an ex smoker, and found that I managed to give up because I loved someone enough to stop for their sake...it was my one year old daughter. After I stopped, my OH hadn't and it was pretty awful, I did avoid kissing him when he'd been smoking. Thankfully he stopped a couple of months after me.

For all the smokers out there who have smoked since their early teens- or 12yo in my case- I never ever realised how pungent the smell was until I gave up- I grew up in a smoking household too, so was pretty much immune to it. You'll not know till you give it up yourselves- best MSE thing I ever did!

You and me both - I gave up as I was approaching my 40th birthday because I was beginning to feel the effects all the fags were having on me .Granted I'd been smoking since I was 15 and was smoking up to 35 a day, every day.
The only way most smokers will give up is to give up for themselves. It's extremely difficult to stop smoking but it can be done! I've been through a divorce and lost my Mother since I stopped but I've nver been tempted to start again - it was too difficult to stop plus I never want to smell like an ashtray again. Plus I'm about £10K richer for having stopped
No amount of cajoling or bribing (or nagging :rolleyes: )will make someone stop who doesn't want to!

alyth

littleowl wrote: »

Hello - I do sympathise with you and admit I haven't read the whole of the the thread but perhaps can add another point of view?

I am a smoker. My last partner knew that - he was a 'reformed smoker' himself with all the self-congratulation that entails. I think a poet once said that the greatest destruction of a relationship is in attempting to change the other person into the ideal one expects.

I can't tell you of the amount of stress put upon me - the downloading of guilt every time I had a cigarette - even though it was in the garden and not the house. I went out of my way to try not to cause offense.
Eventually I realised that the pressure was too great and that I preferred living on my own and pleasing myself. The irony is that it is possible that I could have contemplated giving up smoking but that the aura of disapproval was a barrier rather than a help in that regard.

I don't know the answer, but I do know that I live very happily on my own without a daily reminder that I am some sort of criminal. My life, my choice!

I so agree with you littleowl -I smoke, I enjoy smoking, but I only smoke in one room in my house, I despite smoking in the street but I don't like being made to feel a criminal for having a cigarette!

To the OP, I would think about what littleowl has posted - you say that you're not one to nag, but subconsciously your partner may feel you're putting him under pressure to stop. Please don't give him an ultimatum in choosing cigarettes or you because he may choose to give you up. One option is to always wash his hands after having a cigarette, as my partner and I do that when his parents are staying with us and we smoke outside.

I think it also depends on the person - I've been in my job for over 8 months and it was only this week that my work colleagues realised I smoke - I'm not a particularly heavy smoker and am absolutely paranoid about smelling of smoke, indeed I have a smoking "fleece" that I wear if I'm smoking in the house - kind of defeats the object, but it means my clothes don't smell so much. I also don't smoke in the same room as my dog, and I always keep all room doors shut.

I do feel for you, my partner and I both smoke so it's never been an issue, I don't go to pubs so I don't have to nip outside, and I don't smoke during the day. Good luck, let us know if there are any further developments.

donna1987

Maybe you could try this???

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080219/od_nm/germany_smoker_dc_1

Seriously though, I'm a smoker who wants to quit. Trouble is my OH is a smoker who doesn't want to quit so it makes it a lot more difficult for me. We don't smoke in the house though because it isn't fair on our daughter and I find I smoke less cause its just too cold outside, whereas the cold doesn't bother the OH :rolleyes: . I managed to quit for 6 months but stupidly started again whilst on my first night out in years. Also I quit when I was pregnant. During this time I refused to kiss OH or hug unless he had brushed his teeth and had a shower cause the smell would make me physically sick.
So if he isn't wanting to quit, you just have to come up with some rules that will make it more tolerable for you. If he is really wanting to quit, he should go see his GP who will tell him about their NHS quit smoking programme, which is free and does work. He will just need more self restraint than I had when it comes to being back in an environment where he would normally smoke.
Who knows, if he has to go outside to smoke, he might at least cut down drastically, which is always a start.

Maz

My ex OH wasn't a smoker but I was. The toughest thing for him to take on board was the fact that smoking is DRUG ADDICTION, not just a habit. The smoker is addicted to nicotine. A cigarette is a 'vehicle' to get nicotine into the body.

The fact that I didn't quit was nothing to do with my feelings for him or me being selfish, it was because I was a drug addict. I know that this is hard for a non-smoker to understand.

And yes, even if we were skint, I could always find money for my ciggies the same way an alcoholic can always find the money for drink.

I managed to stop using nicotine chewing gum only to take up smoking again later. I now realise that the nicotine gum kept me hooked on the drug, so although I stopped inhaling all the stinking, harmful chemicals etc, I was still taking nicotine into my body and feeding my addiction! Sounds crazy when I think about it now!

Currently psyching myself up to stop again but this time I'm not going to use the nicotine replacement stuff. Seems mad to me, trying to come off a drug by continuing to feed your addiction!

Jo_R_2

Cheers everyone, great to hear some POVs from smokers as well, I mentioned that I have never smoked so I like getting this insight into how people think and feel about smoking who either do now or have done.

Well, after a very emotional conversation a few nights ago, things are somewhat different. I explained emotionally (I'm usually a very loigcal and detached person when it comes to having a good discussion) that whilst I do not like the smell, the taste of him etc when he's been smoking, what I fear most is that if he carries on smoking that at some point in our future when we have pledged to spend the rest of our lives together, that something very bad will happen to him... I absolutely did not say it to get a response but I don't think I realised I felt that until the words came tumbling out along with the tears...

I've lost friends and relatives to cancer and other illnesses and I started to say that I have seen how desperate people get when they see their loved ones being taken away and the lengths people will go to to do things that will make them well whilst being blind to the truth that there is nothing they can do... I choked up though and couldn't say it.

The outcome anyway was that he has said he will give up... He is going to start by cutting down and take it at his own pace on his own terms. To tell you the truth, I'm just happy to know that at some point he is going to do it, but I'm not going to push him. He came back the other night smelling smoky and asked how he smelt (he doesn't like smelling of smoke because he knows it turns me off) but he was decidedly less smoky than usual.

I decided that I will be supportive of the good stuff but ignore the rest. I've not really been one for commenting every time he goes off for a smoke but I do now and again if I'm in a bad mood so I'm cutting that out right now. No comments if he comes home smelling smoky or if he goes out to buy cigarettes because i can see he finds the thought of it hard so I'll just smile my happy smile and leave it up to him because he has to get to that point where he feels he wants to commit to doing it and I don't want him feeling like I'm on his back all the time, I want him to feel like he is making the decision for himself.

JoeHel

Smoking is not a choice, it's feeding a drug addiction. Smokers can't smell or taste what you can - they can't smell it on themselves and they don't taste what you can when you kiss them. Their bodies are trying to protect them from the poisons they are inhaling by cutting out their sense of taste and smell.

The fact of the matter is, no smoker will ever quit until THEY are ready. You have to be realistic. He will NEVER quit for you, no matter how much he loves you. People lose limbs because of their addiction and consequent loss of blood flow. But they still smoke!! If a non-smoker asks a smoker to choose, they will (a) lose out or (b) be lied to. If the smoker doesn't want to quit, it is a completely impossible task. And I'm sorry, cutting down just makes it worse. Every ciggie becomes more precious!!

I have tried to give up lots of times and finally, on 4th November 2007, something clicked and I quit. I've never been happier. But the previous quits all failed because I'd never been so miserable in my life.

The secret is education and mental attitude. Buy him the Allen Carr book "Easyway". I found that reading that, plus the articles on WhyQuit.com were my key to quitting and being over the moon happy about it. Forget nicotine replacement products - they're just a scam to keep poor smokers hooked on a drug for even longer and make even more money out of them!! Tell him that the book is great at changing mental attitude to smoking but you should carry on smoking while you read it. That helps smokers dare to pick it up and START reading it!!! But make sure he knows that you'll still love him even if he doesn't manage first time. It's so much harder than you could possibly imagine...

I smoked 30 a day for 22 years. My partner is still a smoker. Yes, I can now taste and smell it on him but I don't care. I love him and I would NEVER even suggest that he quit. I would not put that stress on him. If he wants to do it he will when the time is right FOR HIM.

Jo_R_2

JoeHel wrote: »

The fact of the matter is, no smoker will ever quit until THEY are ready. You have to be realistic. He will NEVER quit for you, no matter how much he loves you. People lose limbs because of their addiction and consequent loss of blood flow. But they still smoke!! If a non-smoker asks a smoker to choose, they will (a) lose out or (b) be lied to. If the smoker doesn't want to quit, it is a completely impossible task. And I'm sorry, cutting down just makes it worse. Every ciggie becomes more precious!!

I smoked 30 a day for 22 years. My partner is still a smoker. Yes, I can now taste and smell it on him but I don't care. I love him and I would NEVER even suggest that he quit. I would not put that stress on him. If he wants to do it he will when the time is right FOR HIM.

I haven't asked him to choose, I felt that a v.v.v. bad thing to do!

He has said that he will give up, but I do understand that he has to do it for him. I can see he is in a kind of halfway place I think, where although he's thought about giving up and would like to do it, he's not ready yet. That's fine. He has cut down already this week (I haven't said anything but it's been very noticeable) and made another comment last night about how he felt he smelt smoky and didn't like it because he knows it smells bad (he frequently says he knows I must not like it because he went out with a heavy smoker a few years ago and he didn't like it at all.)

Thanks for the tip about the book. He's not much of a reader though lol! I had thought about doing something like that for him but I don't want him to feel that I'm trying to push him along. I also realised that because I see from what he says that it would be a difficult thing for him to give up, that there might be failed attempts but the fact that he would try is great in itself.

JoJoB

Good luck Jo_R. It is such a difficult area to negotiate and i think you are going about it well. Both me and OH are ex smokers and it has taken us years to give up properly. Both of us gave up for 5 years and then it crept back in - he was so rabidly anti-smoking after he gave up that I didn't dare tell him i'd had the odd one and became a secret smoker, so be careful of replicating this sort of situation. Later on my OH succumbed and we were both secret smoking at the same time lol. the relief when we both admitted to each other and puffed our way through 20 marlborough lights in the comfort of our living room instead of sneaking off for a furtive puff out of the loo window.

However we always knew the lapse could only be temporary - i gave up before him again, although I would occasionally slip up and have the odd bad day. But then I got preggers which helped with the willpower. OH was still smoking up till 3 months ago and I would gently remind him of the expense and the littl'un on the way, but steered clear of really nagging him. Then at a time he felt strong enough he went on the patches and hasn't smoked since.

I used patches for about the first week or so, just to get me over the initial bad withdrawal period, my OH has used them for 3 months as a sort of security blanket I think. The withdrawal makes me sort of emotionally insane so i do find nicotine replacement helps initially. However after this i prefer to get the nictotine completely out of my system quickly so that the physical addiction bit is over. It's just the psychological dependency to tackle then, which ain't easy either.

Your OH's "cutting down" may well end up frustrating you as after a while it is easy for the intake to creep up again (it is much more painful to have only a little bit of a drug you are addicted to than to cut it out altogether, so cutting down gradually rarely works really). But it shows willing on his part and it may take several attempts using different methods for him to find a way to rid himself of the addiction. I agree with the Alan Carr book being genius - if you leave it lying round the house you never know when he'll pick it up in a bored moment and have a flick through.

JoeHel

Jo_R wrote: »

I haven't asked him to choose, I felt that a v.v.v. bad thing to do!

He has said that he will give up, but I do understand that he has to do it for him. I can see he is in a kind of halfway place I think, where although he's thought about giving up and would like to do it, he's not ready yet. That's fine. He has cut down already this week (I haven't said anything but it's been very noticeable) and made another comment last night about how he felt he smelt smoky and didn't like it because he knows it smells bad (he frequently says he knows I must not like it because he went out with a heavy smoker a few years ago and he didn't like it at all.)

Thanks for the tip about the book. He's not much of a reader though lol! I had thought about doing something like that for him but I don't want him to feel that I'm trying to push him along. I also realised that because I see from what he says that it would be a difficult thing for him to give up, that there might be failed attempts but the fact that he would try is great in itself.

The Allen Carr book is also available as a DVD and a CD. My brother got the CD and downloaded it onto his Ipod!!

I was in the "wanting to give up" mood for about 10 years... Was just too scared to try it. But then I took the plunge and after 3 days cold turkey knew I would never touch the things again. But different things work for different people. As soon as I read about nicotine and realised that I was a bona fide drug addict, I just HAD to get that drug out of my system. I've always been so anti-drugs, while I puffed away on 30 a day thinking they were just my little stress relievers! HEH! And now I would no sooner light up a ciggie than stick a syringe of heroin in my arm. I see it as the same thing (except nicotine kills more people....)

I honestly don't think my OH will EVER quit, but that's his choice. Luckily he smokes roll-ups which don't smell or taste nearly as bad as "proper" ciggies. He thinks they are a "healthier" option because they don't have all the chemicals in them. I can't tell him that, because he doesn't use filters, his carbon monoxide and tar intake is MILES more than a ciggie smoker, and he's
far more likely to get mouth/throat/lung cancer than a ciggie smoker. :eek: