Inheritance mostly all gone should i let it go?

SnowyOwl_2

Tammy

Money isn't the be all and end all of everything. You and your husband aren't going to starve or become homeless without your father's inheritance. Being well off does not make a person better than someone who struggles financially. Your family and your in-laws may well have bizarre attitudes to their own hard earned cash and yes they may as well set fire to it as give it to lazy relatives. But you are grown up, well educated and you can make your own decisions in life. You have already benefited greatly from family money and you have the power to shape your own life. It is not necessary to get angry with your father and cut him off from your life - how is that going to resolve anything? You can tell him how much you disapprove and point out the error of his ways in the hope that he changes his mind if only for his own protection rather than yours. Life is too short to argue about money. Some cliches:
you can't take it with you;
no pockets in a shroud;
money doesn't buy class;
money doesn't buy style;
the best things in life are free;
the love of money is the root of evil.
Yeah, cliches, but none are incorrect. Count your blessings as I am sure you have many.

bigmuffins

Hi Tammy
I was born in Pakistan but educated & brought up here, married to a Pakistani man too, so I know exactly where you are coming from! My dad's family are the same - takers! And Dad is always giving! But Mum managed to make sure that it was not a case of them living in luxury with servants at our expense! It nearly got to that stage but luckily my uncle shot himself in the foot and was very rude and disrespectful to my Dad and Dad finally saw sense! They don't talk any more! Doesn't stop them from using various roundabout ways to get hold of more money though - like feeding my gran sedatives, claiming she was in a coma & needed money for 'medical bills'! This is after Dad paid for Uncle's wedding and all that entails! My Aunt had more jewellery than Mum has ever had!

Anyway re the inheritance - You could try talking to your Dad & explain how you feel (calmly) about constantly being put second. If nothing else, he will know how it upsets you. Depending on his reaction, you can then choose which of your options you want to follow.

Personally though, I am not overly bothered about inheritance - what bothered me was my Dad being taken for a mug and I would still be happy if he left something to his siblings if that is what he wants as long as his sons/daughters were given a fair share too (by fair I mean along the lines of equal shares or those that are hard up getting more) If your father's family are loving and respectful towards him and you then I would say is up to him how he leaves his money but he should still remember that he has his own wife & children to consider. Also if they are just using him as a meal ticket then is different matter!

These are just my views - but do think about how it will affect your Mum and the relationship between you if you are at loggerheads with your Dad!

Hope it makes sense! (past my bedtime now - as the little 'uns will wake me at dawn! :eek: )

Gingham_Ribbon

My opinion on 'inheritance' is that I hope my parents spend every last penny they have enjoying themselves. They have had hard lives and are both disabled. If they need more help later in life, I hope they and I have enough to pay for that help. And I hope there is nothing to take from them when they are gone (which I pray is MANY many years away) except the love and security they have given me.

tammy_3

NOthing would give me more pleasure than to see them sell those excess houses and use the money onthemselves. Or do waht my mum wants and move out of the terrace into a nicer place- No my mum agrees with me and is v unhappy about the situation-Ultimately its not the fact that I DONT get inheritance as if they chose to go on 6 month long holiday around the world and blew their money on themselves that would be fine.......waht gets to me is the fact that the money ends up there! And not only does it end up there, those people DONT appreciate it. They dont show my mum any respect-A few of them have now migrated into this country and my dad still runs around after them and theirkid......yet they dont give a monkeys about my parents young kids (yes i have cute little bro and sis, my mum always wanted a big family!)- NOw that infuriates me further because i dote on my little siblings and i cant stand the fact that the alleged aunts/unlces cant be assed with them but are happy to take £ off my dad for their offspring (didnt take them long to churn out kids once they got here!)- No one has done more for my dad than my mum. Yet he runs around after them- If they respected him wouldnt they (the ones over here and there) come and congratulate my dad when his kids got married? No one bothered- Yet whenever one of his siblings gets married (and he has alot!) he runs around after them- THey dont respect him- The ones here didnt come to see him when he was close to dying a few years back yet its them that is the focus of his life- No im not going to put on a heart wrenching talk to him saying i or WE feel excluded, as we all have mentioned in the past that they seem to have a better lifestyle (materially) but its liek talking to a brick wall. WHenever we have gone back to pakistan in MY PARENTS BUILT houses my mum is not treated like she is the owner. WHen she went over with her 4yrold a few years back her requests for some snacks (u know what little ones here are like) were ignored. Yet when i went with her i explored the place and found there was a shop just 3 mins away which sold all sorts of western choccys/drink/ice creams. Yet when my dad goes they treat him like a king so that he can rinse him dry (last time he took 2k cash with him and came back with !!!!e)- See thats the thing, when he goes over there he fills up his suitcases with gifts for them but doesnt come back with anything for us and that was the case even when us oldies were little. The only reason they are nice to him is because he flashes his cash- THe ones in the uk cant be assed really, one didnt bother to come around in years and only live an hour by car but isuppose my dad makes his visits there every so often.......They are money grabbers, some more so than others who dont give a toss about my parents- WHen my dad is an oap and has given his last bit of money to them, they will leav him high and dry- You can tell by their attitude now as ive personally heard some rude comments from them about my dad- Thye all argue (in pak) with eachother over his money and his assets......so why is he more inclined towards that lot than his own wife/kids- The stress of his entire family made my mum ill and hence effected me as a teenager and took over the household stuff...... Yet years down the linehe still runs after them, throws money their way, yet htose that have been loyal to him dont get noticed. That is the main thing that gets to me.

katiepops_2

Tammy, your thread about your in-laws speaks volumes - particularly the bit where your husband isn't allowed to go anywhere near his family without you hanging off his arm - because they are trying to control him - hello? Who's controlling who?

Then there's the bit here where you say that your parents expect you to come and help do housework - but in your other thread you say that your Mum does it and you're not expected to help. Your family money pot is just for you and your husband - but you want your dad to stop giving HIS money to other members of his family so that you can inherit it. You say that your dad puts his siblings before you and you have had to struggle to get where you are in life - but then you said that your parents wouldn't take even £1 from you towards household expenses when you lived at home. Your mother-in-law has offered to look after your children when you have them so that you can work, but you say no because you will be giving up work to look after them - but then you say you're putting your kids in a private nursery. You seem generally very confused and unhappy with everything in your life, and I think money is only the tip of the iceberg here.

I get the impression that you suffer from a lack of confidence and low self-esteem - it's as though you feel that everyone else is getting what you feel you should be getting, and as a result you appear to be very bitter and unforgiving.

As SnowyOwl said, count your blessings. You have a roof over your heads and food on your table - you achieved these things without handouts from anyone else. You are intelligent and you are able to find your own way through life without help - focus on that!

I think the root of the problem with your dad is that you feel he's not giving you enough attention - your threat to cut him out of your life so that he will know that you hate him sounds very much like a plea for attention from him.

You sound like a lovely girl who loves her husband and wants to have a great life with plenty of children and nice things around her - but unless you learn to accept your in-laws as they are and try to get on with them, and accept that your dad can do what he wants with his money and concentrate on getting on with your life, you'll never be happy. The person primarily responsible for your happiness is YOU - and while you're wasting your life obsessing about what everyone else around you is or isn't doing, you're never going to be truly content. Think about it.

Kate

Gingham_Ribbon

I don't want to be hard on you but having realised both the threads katiepops mentions are yours, I wonder if perhaps your expectations of people are very high? I supported you on your other thread because it did sound like you were being unfairly treated.

If you could put in words how you think your dad and your inlaws feel perhaps this might put things into perspective?

You say in your latest post that it's NOT that you're not getting an inheritance that bothers you, but how the money is being spent and who is benefiting, but the heading you gave the thread suggests otherwise.

It's your business and I'm certainly no expert on family relationships, but perhaps things aren't as bleak as they seem?

tammy_3

katiepops wrote:

Tammy, your thread about your in-laws speaks volumes - particularly the bit where your husband isn't allowed to go anywhere near his family without you hanging off his arm - because they are trying to control him - hello? Who's controlling who?

Then there's the bit here where you say that your parents expect you to come and help do housework - but in your other thread you say that your Mum does it and you're not expected to help. Your family money pot is just for you and your husband - but you want your dad to stop giving HIS money to other members of his family so that you can inherit it. You say that your dad puts his siblings before you and you have had to struggle to get where you are in life - but then you said that your parents wouldn't take even £1 from you towards household expenses when you lived at home. Your mother-in-law has offered to look after your children when you have them so that you can work, but you say no because you will be giving up work to look after them - but then you say you're putting your kids in a private nursery. You seem generally very confused and unhappy with everything in your life, and I think money is only the tip of the iceberg here.


Kate

Perhaps my title should have stated WE ARE LOSING our inheritance as the problems with my dad giving it away is somethign that effects siblings and mother- I have two siblings still in f/t education as they are underage and i dont want them to be without like me/older lot were. The fight to retain money/property is for all our benefits not just mine!!!! LIke i said i would reather he spent it all now on my mum and young siblings, i wouldnt care if id didnt get a penny if it was spent on them, but if its being frittered away then that gets my back up that other people inherit when it should be eventually me and my siblings but firstly my mum.

Im sure if your dad put others before you as u were growing up and as an adult you would also feel agrieved. Yes he was great in terms of spending time on education with us and never asks us for a penny but that doesnt excuse him working 16hrs a day like he used to when we were kids and then giving all that money away, so we lost out on time and money- NO British born woman would put up with it and which is why women of my mums generation let their husbands get away with it BUT that is the PRIMARY reason why i wont have the same happen to me with my inlaws as my mum had happen to her with her inlaws.

In terms of helping my parents out MY MUM DOES NOT EXPECT ME TO HELP HER and she works hard doing everything herself however it is my dad who expects me to help so there is no contradication in waht i said!!!!! THe reason i made the point about my dads expectations is that he still expects me and my sisters to carry on with our obligations to our parents but on his part i dont see his obligations to his grown up kids i only see him fulfilling his perceived obligations to his adult siblings!!! Therefore if he is not prepared to fulfill his obligations that MOST WESTERN AND ASIAN parents do of putting wife and kids first, why on earth should i be his skivvy still? Furthermore my point was his siblings have not done anything for him yet his kids have done alot for him yet its his siblings that get the inheritance!!!!!!!

YOU dont know anything about my situation with inlaws or my partner or asian culture of controlling sons so dont call me controlling! I merely go along whenever he wishes to go i never stop him i just want to be there- Im sure if you had inlaws who already broke you up and spoke about u behind your back and tried to rinse ur partner for £ if you werent there you wouldnt trust them one little bit either! So dont call me controlling and i was merely advising Baby A that she should watch her step as shes found her mum inlaw going behind her back! In western society kids do not when they start working int heir 20s whilst living in their own house still contribute to parents bills! WOuld you pay your inlaws bills if you lived seperately from them? Exactly you wouldnt so dont suggest that i should or that i am controllign about it!

I asked for advise some criticsim good but saying im confused and have low self esteem and controllign suggests to me that you feel the need to put urself on a pedestal and think u have the right to judge others!!!!! It seems you must be the one with the personality problem.

Imsurprised you went through the two posts trying to nit pick and find contradictions....well now that i have pointed out there arent any is there anything else u would liek to add!!!

Oh in terms of kids.....yes i would be a great mum, look after them 100%- i woudlnt be the sort to go out to work 5 days a week and go clubbing or pubing in the evening to relax , so how exactly would you bring up your kids?????? But saying im going to put them in nursery doesnt contradict what i said! Where in my thread did i say i was puttin them into f/t nursery!!!!! What on earth do u know about nursery provision and the impact it has on how kids do in primary school? Probably nothing but i work within this area so i know the advantages hence why i would put my kids in for a few mornings a week which wont amount me to not being a f/t mum whilst they are babies!

Im not going to answer anymore of your questions as its wasting my time and you are not at all helpful trying to find contradictions!

Once you manage to balance such life circumstances then come back and judge!

There is no iceberg here- im just sick of people tryign to take me or my family (hubby/mum/siblings) for a ride.

tammy_3

Gingham_Ribbon wrote:

I wonder if perhaps your expectations of people are very high? I supported you on your other thread because it did sound like you were being unfairly treated.

If you could put in words how you think your dad and your inlaws feel perhaps this might put things into perspective?

It's your business and I'm certainly no expert on family relationships, but perhaps things aren't as bleak as they seem?

HI
To answer your questions basically yes i am v happy with my hubby career and social life. No i am not happy with my dad and inlaws.

Dads expectations is we should carry out our duties as expected in asian culture, i dont mind but as long as my dad realises that he should have duties towards my mum and kids about putting us before everyone else. Im sick of him putting everyone else before mum/kids. Its not fair. Its got to stop. If it doesnt then i dont want to oblige his expectations. When i have my kids they will be sole inheritors, whilst growing up my kid siblings wont come before or even equal to my kids. THis is the problem.

Inlaws expectations are worse they expect me and other daughterinlaws to be superwomen but expect more off me cos i work. I dont want to go over to do their housework when both couples are at home and have sons that are often at home. They expect us to pay their bills cos i work but i dont work to pay their bills, most women in inlaws family dont work, they chill out at home, if i work hard its so that we can afford a better house or a nice holiday, not so that we can afford to pay their bills! Inlaws also expect me to go around their relatives houses, the same relatives that tried to bust us up the same relatives that never bother with us, the same relatives who tried to sabatage my wedding, the same relatives who made it perfeclty clear after i got married i wasnt a part of them, not that i want to be. My inlaws expect me to buy them presents when they dont give too hoots about me and cant pick up the phone to congratulate! My inlaws go on about us going to pakistan when we dont want to. My inlaws say we should pay for his little brothers wedding and things but when we got married my hubbys older brother wasnt expected to pay, they barely got us traditional presents so why onearth is it expected of us to pay for younger ones just because we both work! I dont liek these expectations and i dont want to be involved in them.

pandas66

I hope you have your husbands backing, if you do then I suggest a private chat with you, hubby and your Mum and Dad to clear the situation, its clear to me what you do want you just got to tell them. Then set up a similar meeting with the inlaws and get that all in the open too. You seem to be able to take on the situation, then more power to you to tackle it. Just one thought they (parents and inlaws ) may not agree to exactly what you want, you may have to agree to disagree on certain issues. Give and take.

tammy_3

pandas66 wrote:

I hope you have your husbands backing, if you do then I suggest a private chat with you, hubby and your Mum and Dad to clear the situation, its clear to me what you do want you just got to tell them. Then set up a similar meeting with the inlaws and get that all in the open too. You seem to be able to take on the situation, then more power to you to tackle it. Just one thought they (parents and inlaws ) may not agree to exactly what you want, you may have to agree to disagree on certain issues. Give and take.

thanks for your reply
dad= already told him would be great if he could take mum on a holiday(shes never been apart from visiting family)- told him hes done his best with ex family so just cncentrate on wife and younger kids.....told him to sell those houses and buy mum and younger kids a nicer house here (so all is for my familys benefit not mine) but mostly thats what woud make me and everyone happy- dad will not do any of this-happy to live in a terrace in a not so nice area-doesnt want to buy a bigger house here as doesnt want a big mortgage but on same note wont sell houses in pakistan so he can buy a nice house here-so hes not doing anythign to improve quality of life and is just happy letting them keep all properties in pak and carry onfinding money for them

inlaws= already said cant afford to pay their bills as we are saving for adeposit and willhav one hefty mortgage to pay-already said i will reduce my hours at work wen kids come along so i wont be workin glike this for long hence we dont have money to burn- we do always do all their admin work for them- hubby did b4 always pay bills but cant anymore and explained happy to do their admin-explained im busy doing my studies and working so dont get time to visit them but they probably think i find time for working out....but really thats an essential to health and a priority- but even if it wasnt the ultimte thing is i feel resentment that they came in between me and my hubby for many years so i feel i owe them nothing ane they shoudlnt expect anything from me- if my partner wants to go around and do their hoovering and cleaning then i wouldnt stop him but they wont ever expect their sons to do this........

both are no win situations