Inheritance mostly all gone should i let it go?

tammy_3

Hi

A brief history:

DAds been sending back all his spare cash during the 70s-NOW!. In his former homeland (pakistan) he has two houses, one is really very big and cost £20k-£25k to build back in 1988.....as a result we had the very basic of things. The first house was purchased in the mid 70s and that is bigger than the average terrace house here! My grandparents and their large brood lived in the first house. Now my mum agreed to have the second house built (for us) and to have it put on rent and kindly agreed with my dad to let my grandparents keep the rent money. If we ever went back to Pakistan either to live (well i wouldnt!) but that was the plan, if my parents eventually want to retire there or just go on holiday they can kick out the lodgers and live in there for a month or so instaed of living with my granddad + his kids. HOwever before the house was even completed they moved in! They put the old house on rent andkept the money and over the years still kept asking my dad for money and he kept giving it. Lavish weddings, lavish household items etc were always on their list but my dad has NEVER spent that kind of money on me or my sister!

Now my mum kept saying that my grandparents woudl take the lot without a thought for us........and my dad would let them. My sister got married in pakistan in OUR house and when my entire family went up there (after 8 years) they could not even clear one room out for them. My mum felt she was living in someone elses house! ANd yesterday my mums views were proven right. I mentioned the homes tomy dad and referred to them as our homes. He got really !!!!!! off and made it quite clear it is his property and will leave it to those greedy b*stards.

NOw if my uncle or aunt is reading this then bow your greedy heads in shame because my dad paid for your weddings and your private education and if he didnot put you in the big house with the english education your parents would never have found you the equally wellbred matches in the uk- whilst i didnt get a penny of him and now you lot are sitting happily in the uk and still ponce off him. If he loves you so much then come and look after him! :mad:

Now my mum thinks he may leave his share of his house in the uk to those greedy b*stards cos some of them are now living in the uk (my dads siblings). I cant disagree with her because some of his siblings are in their 20s just like me. You see my grandad was a dirty old perv who married again in his 50s after his wife died and had a shed load of kids again and expected my dad to help him out. In recent years i have asked my dad to LEND me some moeny so i can buy a house his answer was no but on the same note he gave his siblings at the same time who now live in the uk £ to keep for free towards their accomodation.

In terms of being a dutiful child, that i have been and my mum agrees and much more than most kids do. By 13 i had given up playing and was spending all my spare time acting like a housewife (cos mum was ill for years due to stress) and also workign hard at my education. I always put looking after the siblings prior to my homework even during gcses.

In terms of letting me go to university both my parents encouraged and formed the backbone of my education in the primary years. But that does not excuse the fact that my dad has tried to keep us equals with his siblings (in his minds eye) although we (my family) agree things were far from equal and they have been given alot more than what we had (my dads argument is because money stretches much further over there). I am really cheesed off now....... A few points i would like to discuss

1. should i carry on beign nice to my dad and forget the fact i have a lost teenage hood which hasnt been rewarded with inheritance or contributions towards wedding/setting up house and he has given such contributions to siblings.
2. wait till my dad departs and make his bros and sis life hell by getting back the properties in pakistan through court-however theres always a chance i will leave for the pearly gates before him, u never know!
3. wash my hands of him, be civil if i see him but really cut any final father-daughter ties, keep him very much out of my life and thoughts and any kids i may have keep them away as well- like this i make it known that i hate u for what u have done and i too have the power to hurt u
4. tell him to his face waht a loser he is and never speak to him again.

im inclined to do number 3. as for prop in pakistan, well im sure for all the hard work i put in to my own career i hope God justly rewards me for that and they (dads siblings and parentss) can just rot in their house and then in hell

BY the way the good old grandad does NOT dote on his grandkids like my dad dotes on his half brothers/sisters- this make sme even madder

I stress again if my aunt/uncle are reading this and know that it refers to you and ur parents poncing of fmy dad then how about doing something about it? You're not likely to are you when you get everything on a plate. Remember to all who are greedy and hurt others what comes around goes around.

anguk

Hi Tammy, I can understand why you feel very angry and also feel as though you have been treated unfairly. But (unless I'm mistaken) it is your fathers money and his property so can do what he likes really. I personally don't think that we have any rights to say what our parents do or don't do with their own money, as far as I'm concerned it's up to my parents to decide. If they choose to leave everything to the local cats home then so be it, it's their money not mine.

I'm sorry that you feel as though you have lost your teenage-hood because you helped out in the home, I too looked after my younger brother & sister and did housework, cooking etc but I did it to help out and because I loved my family not to be rewarded with inheritance or contributions towards my wedding or house.

It's a shame that you feel you want to cut all ties with your father because of this, it almost sounds as if you want to do it just to hurt him. Could you not sit down with him and explain how you feel and why and ask him why he feels he needs to support the whole family? I may be wrong again but I know that in some cultures it is normal practice for the extended family to support each other, rather than just the immediate family.

As I said I can understand why you are angry, it seems as though you feel everyone else is taking advantage of your Dad and you're missing out. But please try and talk to your Dad, you may regret it later if you made any hasty decisions.

tammy_3

Yes you are right- he can do wahtever he wants with his money i have no control. But who in their right mind puts their brothers and sisters before their own kids- His brother was only in the country for 9 months when he bought his own property (a brother for whom he paid the fees to go to english schools in pakistan etc) a brother who was so dam lazy enrolled on several degree courses because he wasnt sure which one he wanted to do but then decided to not do any and chill out (and yes the fees were all paid for)- His brother is my age, was given all the same chances, yet when his brother came to this country as he married a british citizen my dad continued to help him and i was not given any help- As hard working xcitiizens of britain my partner and i only managed to buy a small place after 5 years of being graduated, yet he strolls into this country and gets my dads full support.
Yes hes entitled to give it where he wants but at the end fo the day if he loves his siblings so much more then im washing my hands of him- my kids will come befor e any one and i would never ever give handouts to my LAZY siblings (if they were lazy cos they arent) whilst my kids struggled on..... i dont understand that concept and i never will-

Mango

Hi Tammy

I was sad to read your post as I have been reading your other post about your inlaws, so I'm sorry to hear you are having difficulties with your dad too.

I can understand that you want your dad to know how hurt you are but I'm worried about the options you have listed in your post. I have a very difficult relationship with my own parents and have thought very similar things - should I just not speak to them/tell them what I think of them and then have nothing more to do with them etc. Would your dad understand why you had taken these steps? Or would he just think you were being childish/selfish/not caring about him? I'm only asking this as I know this is what my parents would say (and have said) about some of my attempts to make them realise how hurt I am with them.

Perhaps one of the reasons your dad helps other family members but has not helped you in the same way is because he knows you can be independant and support yourself (and that you have the guts and integrity to do this) whereas other family members need the help, even if it is through laziness rather than real need?

I'm not sure if any of that helps but I just wanted to post to say that I sympathise with you.

M x

elona

Could he be helping people because they are male and thinks that "girls do not count"

What about your mother - Will she be looked after if anything happens to him?

anguk

tammy wrote:

my kids will come befor e any one and i would never ever give handouts to my LAZY siblings (if they were lazy cos they arent) whilst my kids struggled on..... i dont understand that concept and i never will-

I agree with you there, my kids come before anyone and everyone (husband included)!

Have you spoken to your Mum about how you feel, could she not have a word with your Dad? I still think it would be a shame if you lost contact with your Dad because of this.

As the saying goes, you can choose your friends not your family, unfortunately I think alot of us wouldn't choose our families as friends!

tammy_3

Thanks to all those that replied.

Well firstly i would always help my mum out in anything that she needs like i have always done- The funny thing is now that im married my dad still thinks i have a duty to helping them with their housework- I have a duty to allocate some of my time to helping them, helping my mum and he also asks me at times (not very often though) to do his admin- I feel he has no right to have expectations of me if he puts others first- WHy shoudlnt i spend my day on a weekend lazing aorund reading a book, watching movies shopping relaxing......he moans that i should help them out, well he shoudl help my mum out with the housework! ANd no hes not dishing out the money to male relatives, jsut mainly to his dad and his dad lavishes his kids...he does also give money to older brother and sisters who make individual requests- My mum has gone without, isnt it half her property? I have no respect for him now! My grandparents live like lords, my step grandma is only a few years older than my mum, but shes nice and plump as shes used to having servants around in pakistan doing things for her but still my grandad loves her to bits even though he admits shes a chiller whilst my mum works like a dog but my dad is never happy with her hardwork.

So why on earth woudl i now want to chase a relationship that hardly excisted in thefirst place........yes yes hes done his bit in terms of educating us so thats why i feel a bit bad......but i cant help thinking he puts them before us and so he should pay

mr218

tammy wrote:

Yes you are right- he can do wahtever he wants with his money i have no control. But who in their right mind puts their brothers and sisters before their own kids- His brother was only in the country for 9 months when he bought his own property (a brother for whom he paid the fees to go to english schools in -

tammy, you feel resentful that your father has not put you guys first. i am indian and while my father has taken care of weddings of two sisters and spent money on his brother's education (after his father's death), he has taken great care of me and my brother and put our needs at the forefront. also his siblings in general are doing well now due to good education and jobs etc.

I feel that your father has come to britain to earn money with the romantic notion of taking care of his family and winning their approval. hence he has spent all this money on taking care of his parents and siblings because he wants to be approved and feel needed in their eyes. coming to this country must have created a feeling of alienation because society here is quite independent and private and not as family dependent as it is in pakistan. So he pays for their upkeep so that he retains touch with them and keeps his identity intact as a provider in pakistan.

of course, as is common in every other facet of life, when you give someone something without too much murmur or them working for it, they take you for granted and expect more and more. do you think his relatives actually respect him for what he has done for them or do they take him for granted and just expect more and more.

Asian men of older generations generally feel that they need to show their worth to their family and stay 'faithful' to them and show that they are not under their wife's clutches. hence they care for their parents and siblings. they know that their wife will grumble but in the end she will not leave or divorce

in your case, your self reliance and hard work means that your father does not have much financial hold over you and he feels that you will be there for him no matter what he does as you are the daughter.

you will only make yourself unhappy and bitter if you keep going back to all the perceived injustices you and your mother have had to endure because your father does not put your needs first. atleast you are independent now and are leading your own life and are no longer reliant on him. though it did take time, atleast you have a house of your own.

if your father has been behaving this way for all these years, then he wont change. i think you should tell him exactly how you feel but in a calm and collected manner. ,maybe you should write down your thoughts and send him a letter. try to desist critcising his family and tell him how you feel that you are below them in pecking order when it comes to his affections (and therefore help). Tell him you feel let down by him and want to know why you are not considered equal or above with his relatives.

i feel you will not get any satisfactory reply from him as it is his sense of misguided loyalty that has made him behave this way and he will not admit he was even slightly in the wrong. just pity your father and understand that he has flaws like every other human being and forgive him. get back to making your life a success and try to be civil and cordial with him. unpleasantness just makes life even more difficult and is not worth it.

remember that your happiness is in your hands and focus on that

System

I think you and your husband should move away and ignore both sets of families if they are both causing so you so much heartache.

margaretclare

Hi Tammy

As an older woman I have pretty strong views on the whole idea of inheritance, offspring's rights to inheritance etc, which are often at odds with members of my own generation.

I don't think anyone has an automatic God-given right to inherit from their parents. Nor do I think that parents have an automatic God-given obligation to leave all they possess to their offspring. We've all worked to become independent, not only through our active working lives but well into our retirements too. Whatever we have should be used for that independence, for our comfort and convenience, to make life a little easier in later life. If/when one of us dies and if the other one needs residential care, if the equity in the house is used to fund that care then so be it. I don't adopt this view of 'keeping it from the taxman/the council' because we 'were promised to be taken care of free of charge from cradle to grave'.

A husband or wife should think of the other one and make provision, because in the nature of things one is going to be left alone one day. This country is full of lonely old widows who don't have enough to live on. If you educate your kids they should make their own way in the world and shouldn't be sitting there with pound signs spinning in front of their eyes, waiting for mum and dad to pop off so they can get hold of their 'inheritance'. At the other end of the scale, neither my husband or myself were left anything from parents and we have done OK. So the idea of inheritance doesn't even figure in our thinking.

Your Dad should obviously think of his wife's needs first, then his kids and grandkids. Brothers, sisters, cousins, don't even figure in the equation. If you die intestate i.e. without a will, there is a very strict order in which it is laid down 'who gets what'. The spouse is at the top of the list. Then children. Parents and grandparents are in there as well - obviously this would be if a younger person died. Brothers, sisters, cousins, whether in the same country or in any other, do not come into it UNLESS there are no other relatives!

I don't know if this helps.

Aunty Margaret

System

Thank you Aunty Margaret, you put it better than i could - but i agree with you 200%