student marriage vs loans

Savvy_Sue

Sorry if this is raking up an old thread which was dying quietly, but I just wanted to share the experience of two couples I knew who had to marry in a registry office for different reasons and then have a church blessing afterwards. In one case it was because the husband would have had difficulty in renewing his visa if they had not been 'officially' married, but they did not live as a couple until after the church service a few weeks later. Couldn't have been held sooner for family reasons.

The other couple wanted to marry in a chapel which wasn't 'registered' - long before you could get married just about anywhere - so needed a registry office ceremony to make it legal. They were quite laid back about this, weren't too fussed whether the legal bit happened first or second, what mattered to them was to be married 'before God'. My DH freaked out at this, and pointed out to them that if they didn't 'do' the legal bit, then they would NOT be legally married, and suppose - ghastly thought - one of them died tragically before they'd 'got round to it', the other would be left with an even nastier mess than before, especially if they'd struck lucky on their honeymoon!

In the event, they married in the registry office, with the ring but no posh frock and just a couple of witnesses, the day before the blessing. And the new wife, adamant beforehand that that bit didn't matter, suddenly felt MARRIED. Very married. So married she didn't want to take the ring off for the blessing!

So, just because you can both look at things in one way now, doesn't mean it won't change. Be prepared for that, both of you, whatever you decide to do. There can be good practical reasons for getting married but NOT the way you really want to - church, fluffy meringue dress, top party etc - but things may not work out for that even after you've graduated. If being married - with the intention of it being 'for life' from now on - is more important than how you do it, do it. If the dream means more and you'll regret it if you don't, you're not yet ready!

Good luck whatever you decide.

megsykins

Oooo... bet you wish you'd never asked this one don't you!!

Anyway, I'm on your side, even as a student who is very lucky to be supported completely by my parents (and grandparents) I also considered this. I've been with my OH for over 6 years, and we've been engaged for 1 1/2, living together as a couple for 1. I even discussed it with my mum, who agreed that if I got married, she would continue to support me, even if I choose to do my LPC (£6000+ tuition) I get the minimum loan, and pay full fees. My parents also have to support my brother and sister. I'm not desperately hard-up and won't pretend to be (much of my loan goes in my ISA to earn me some interest - money-saving) but extra cash is extra cash (especially the grant!) *cue the taxplayers pointing out it's their money* - i'll be a taxpayer one day too! Not fair that Mr Blair got a grant when he went to Uni, then decided to abolish them for us, and decided to send loads of people to do pointless courses (Surf Science anyone?) and wants 50% to have HE when 50% of the job market is not made-up of graduate jobs. Are you pleased that your waitress has a 1st in English and £15,000 debt but can't find a decent job? But I digress...

If I was married to my fiance, I would be entitled to more than the £3k loan I get, I (my grandma, bless her kind heart) also wouldn't have to pay the £1,200 tuition. I would also be entitled to grants. The attraction is obvious (and I wouldn't have to wait to get married, which is killing me - is it so wrong to want to be Mrs Tomlinson now, not in 2008?) As it is, we are living as if we were married, yet tuition still has to be paid and I get less loan. Although my parents support me, he still helps me out with the little things - he pays for meals out and gives me bus fare and spending money - as I don't like running to them all the time.

However, we finally decided that marriage right now would be unfair on my fiance, as he works full-time in a not-very-well paid job, and him supporting me would put an unfair strain on our relationship, particularly as he's never been a student (left school at 16) and so doesn't completely understand the situation (no matter what I tell him, he's convinced I don't have to pay back my loan!!). However, if he had been a student, the decision probably would've been different. I know of at least two couples who married before Uni for precisely this reason, and many others who considered it.

What would happen for instance if after you graduate (you dont say what you are studying so ill just use a random example) and he wants to go off to law school, and you get offered a job in london with a big firm, but he can only get into study up north?? Would you go your separate ways and see each other when you could, even though you are married? What if he couldnt get funding for the course, so you had to pay for living costs etc for being in London, and £20000 for his course fees? Are you absolutley sure that one of you would put your ambitions on hold to further the others? Who would be the one to make the sacrifice?

why would being married make a difference in this situation? As a long-term engaged couple they lvoe each other less? And so wouldn't mind living the other end of the country? We may not yet be married, but my OH has moved from our home town to my university town to be with me, and when I graduate, we are planning on at least a year working in Denmark as this is his ambition.
Also, as i'm sure plenty can testify, if the worst came to the worst, married couple sometimes have to do this, it's cr*ppy, but happens. I know of one woman who lived over here for 2 years whilst her hubby was in Denmark, he tried to get a job over here but simply couldn't. They didn't love each other (or their son who was here) any less because of it, but the fact was, they couldn't afford for him to be here too.

PS sorry for rambling

lellie

megsykins wrote:

Oooo... bet you wish you'd never asked this one don't you!!

Anyway, I'm on your side, even as a student who is very lucky to be supported completely by my parents (and grandparents) I also considered this. I've been with my OH for over 6 years, and we've been engaged for 1 1/2, living together as a couple for 1. I even discussed it with my mum, who agreed that if I got married, she would continue to support me, even if I choose to do my LPC (£6000+ tuition) I get the minimum loan, and pay full fees. My parents also have to support my brother and sister. I'm not desperately hard-up and won't pretend to be (much of my loan goes in my ISA to earn me some interest - money-saving) but extra cash is extra cash (especially the grant!) *cue the taxplayers pointing out it's their money* - i'll be a taxpayer one day too! Not fair that Mr Blair got a grant when he went to Uni, then decided to abolish them for us, and decided to send loads of people to do pointless courses (Surf Science anyone?) and wants 50% to have HE when 50% of the job market is not made-up of graduate jobs. Are you pleased that your waitress has a 1st in English and £15,000 debt but can't find a decent job? But I digress...

If I was married to my fiance, I would be entitled to more than the £3k loan I get, I (my grandma, bless her kind heart) also wouldn't have to pay the £1,200 tuition. I would also be entitled to grants. The attraction is obvious (and I wouldn't have to wait to get married, which is killing me - is it so wrong to want to be Mrs Tomlinson now, not in 2008?) As it is, we are living as if we were married, yet tuition still has to be paid and I get less loan. Although my parents support me, he still helps me out with the little things - he pays for meals out and gives me bus fare and spending money - as I don't like running to them all the time.

However, we finally decided that marriage right now would be unfair on my fiance, as he works full-time in a not-very-well paid job, and him supporting me would put an unfair strain on our relationship, particularly as he's never been a student (left school at 16) and so doesn't completely understand the situation (no matter what I tell him, he's convinced I don't have to pay back my loan!!). However, if he had been a student, the decision probably would've been different. I know of at least two couples who married before Uni for precisely this reason, and many others who considered it.

why would being married make a difference in this situation? As a long-term engaged couple they lvoe each other less? And so wouldn't mind living the other end of the country? We may not yet be married, but my OH has moved from our home town to my university town to be with me, and when I graduate, we are planning on at least a year working in Denmark as this is his ambition.
Also, as i'm sure plenty can testify, if the worst came to the worst, married couple sometimes have to do this, it's cr*ppy, but happens. I know of one woman who lived over here for 2 years whilst her hubby was in Denmark, he tried to get a job over here but simply couldn't. They didn't love each other (or their son who was here) any less because of it, but the fact was, they couldn't afford for him to be here too.

PS sorry for rambling

at least someone understands! hehe..

Actually the living hundreds of miles apart thing wouldn't be a problem - we did it for over a year anyway.. for about 6 months trem was in london and I was in south wales, then for 12 months trem was in wolverhampton and I was sitll in wales

fragster

I don't really think you should be asking other people whether this is something you should do, it's totally down to you. I guess it depends what difference being married will make to you. If it will make no difference apart from save you lots of money then the only reason not too could be legal implications. It will change a lot of things legally, as you know you'd get the extra money, but also unless you make a prenuptial agreement then if the worse happens and you want to part ways you will be fighting over posessions. If you want to do it then do, but make sure you fully look into the legal side of things as in the eyes of the law marriage is a very big thing.

Personally I'm actually not sure what I'd do. I dont believe a piece of paper would change things, but then at the end of the day I would like to marry because I knew that I wanted to be with that person for the rest of my life and to show commitment, not for a few grand. A lot of other legal implications too, its a tough decision, I wish you luck. Also I'm also a student right now, going into 3rd year, just so you know where this is coming from.

emma_b_4

im getting married next year, starting uni in sept to be a student nurse so i get nhs bursary..will i get any ££ for getting married hehehe..other half will be suited if we do!!!!!

BWZN93

lellie wrote:

at least someone understands! hehe..

Actually the living hundreds of miles apart thing wouldn't be a problem - we did it for over a year anyway.. for about 6 months trem was in london and I was in south wales, then for 12 months trem was in wolverhampton and I was sitll in wales

Hello again!

I think my original posts were really just to gain an idea of whether the couple had really thought about the implications of marriage as opposed to the financial benefits, and the 'after graduation living apart and course fee's situation' bit was really aimed at the prospect that one may want to do more uni at a hefty cost to the working partner, wheras more could be gained by not being married in these situations.

After speaking to you both though, I have to say that you both seem to have your heads 'screwed on' properly, and should do what you think is best for yourselves. I initially didnt know much of the situation, and my comments were aimed generally, to make sure that future circumstances had been at least thought of, and there was some kind of agreement as to how these situations were to be dealt with. I of course understand that theoretical v. real situations are two entirely different things and may well be handled differently should a theoretical turn into a real situation, however, it is always a good idea to have some kind of agreement - some couples do get married without having discussed whether they want kids or not - and end up divorcing because they find out that they arent compatible in this sense!

I for one feel that this is not the way to go about marriage - even if it had been discussed in principle, the one that wants kids thinks that the one that doesnt might change their mind, and didnt ever bother to find out how strongly this was felt. We all know the consequences of this - they stay together with one resentful or resigned to the fact that they didnt get an important part of what they wanted in life, or they divorce - when all it took to found out was a conversation - difficult as it might be to many of our generation.

For me, I personally dont want to have children, and have discussed it at length with my boyf, so he knows my position and would only ever propose on the basis that children were not going to be a part of the marriage - he understands the reasons why and ultimately, he has the right to walk away from 'us' if he decides that children are something he really does want. We wouldnt be so silly as to get married hoping it will all be fine, because one of us will be sorely disappointed.

Finally, Children are not the only thing that needs to be discussed at length, there are many important parts of what we want from life which need to be addressed before walking up the aisle. Of course, these things sometimes change, but sometimes they dont - and couples intending on marriage should be aware of, and have thought about properly and fully, about the things on which there may be no compromise by one partner. After all - who really wants to spend 10years with a partner only to realise that something they fundamentally need cannot be met?

As for the OP's - good luck and happy discussing!!

Jo xx

pug_in_a_bed

I split up with my partner earlier this year; we had been together 8 years including four years of living together at uni. Funnliy enough it was the year or so after uni when I particularly began thinking I wanted something different. My course was very demanding and I felt really different when I finished, like I'd really achieved something, but we had begun to grow apart perhaps around the last year of uni I guess; doing different things, different friends, jobs and so on. I often found it more stressful living with the BF whilst studying; I often went home to revise for a few weeks for exams for example. At the beginning of uni, having already been togerth 4 years I would never have said we wouldn't make it, but i know now that I especially changed an awful lot, and I'm happy now that I made some hard decisions along the way which worked out absolutely correct now.

I guess what I'm saying is that no one thinks they're going to change - but they often do. You can't see into the future (unfortunately!) and what you think now could be very different even in six months. The advcie on here has been varied and really interesting, it certainly made me think about where my life has ended up .

Good luck for the future whatever you choose (although I agree with Jo, its not the best idea, but as i said earlier I can totally appreciate being that skint at uni lol! ) - work hard and play hard whilst you study - if i knew then what i know now...!

reen_3

this is an old thread, but i wanted to bring up a point that i don't think has been mentioned. £6000 is not very much money. it may seem like it is now, especially if you're working minimum wage jobs to pay the rent, but it really isn't a lot. i say this as a full-time student, who also works full-time. the reason why i work full-time is because i did not want to postpone my studies for 2 years so that i could qualify for home student status. my tuition for the past 3 years has been over £10,000/year. by waiting the extra 2 years, i could have saved around £30k. but you know what? life is too short for that. 2 years of my life is worth much more than £30k to me. in comparison to that, £6k is peanuts. way too little money to base such a major life decision on.

by the way, my husband and i were both 21 when we got married, and we've never regretted it. it's been the best decision we've made. don't dismiss marriage because people say that you're too young. but don't do it for £6k. the money wil make little difference in the long run. marriage is too important.

eenu

appears these guys are at my uni!

Well just from my experiance.....i was engaged at uni and me and the ex went through a whole world of s**t together but and came out the other side but she is like i said my ex. Things change at uni SO SO much and what might seem like game on now may not be in the future. Seriously guys 6k aint worth the world of hell that could be potentially unleasehed should things go wrong.

Also i already think you two are very brave for living together at uni! Can't help but think you are both missing out on the full experiance of uni....i didnt think i was when i was with my girl at manc uni like 24/7 but now she is gone i see how much i missed

pug_in_a_bed

davidmoore83 wrote:

appears these guys are at my uni!

Well just from my experiance.....i was engaged at uni and me and the ex went through a whole world of s**t together but and came out the other side but she is like i said my ex. Things change at uni SO SO much and what might seem like game on now may not be in the future. Seriously guys 6k aint worth the world of hell that could be potentially unleasehed should things go wrong.

Also i already think you two are very brave for living together at uni! Can't help but think you are both missing out on the full experiance of uni....i didnt think i was when i was with my girl at manc uni like 24/7 but now she is gone i see how much i missed

i totally agree. I'd like to say i don't have any regrets but I do regret not getting the whole experience, like not living in halls and so on. But, I was happy then though, at least in the beginning.