student marriage vs loans

jimclark1967

smam21 wrote:

In my third year i finally realized these existed and on top of my loan and having fees paid I got £1200 scholarship for being a liverpudlian with a vague interest in the environment (planted trees at school).

And there was me thinking money doesn't grow on trees

JC

pug_in_a_bed

Well it was from yoko ono and she is bonkers after all

lellie

Ok.. the girlfriend is gonna get involved now.

We've been together 2 and a half years but we've been through much more together (I don't want to go into what we've been through as that's irrelevant and private) than the average student couple so our relationship is very strong. My boyfriend is 21 and I'm 19. We're currently living together at uni and have previously lived together at his mum's house.

We were planning to get married after university anyway.. but our thought is if it's gonna save us £6000 it seems to make sense to get married sooner. (I wouldn't have to pay tuition fees and would be given £1000 grant = saving me £2000 a year, my boyfriend would gain the £1000 grant - £3000 a year and we have 2 years remaining of uni)

We wanted to wait until after uni to get married so that we can afford a nice wedding, saving up to make the day special. We still want our special day but we know that we couldn't afford to do that right now.

I have 2 part time jobs while I'm at uni..so that's not really a suggestion - I do too much as it is. If I'm not careful it will effect my studies. We're not that destitute as students. We can afford to live, it's just we feel that £6000 is a lot of money and it makes sense to us that if we want to be together for the rest of our lives anyway - we might as well make it official and make our financial situation much easier.

The reason it suggests we're not serious about marriage isn't because we're not serious about our relationship - we just don't see how we need a bit of paper and a ring in order to show we want to be together for the rest of our lives - at least that's how I see it.. but if getting that bit of paper convinces the student loans company that we're independent of our parents then we might as well.. If we could say we're co-habiting partners and independent from our parents without getting married we would - but because we're under 25 we can't, which I think is pretty stupid..

Also, just out of interest would you be seeing other people in this marriage sham that obviously means nothing to you

Absolutely not! As I said - it's not that our relationship means nothing.. being married or not doesn't effect how we feel about each other..

Spendless

Lellie - Do you mean you're the OP girlfriend? The way you've explained matters makes sense.

I took issue with the line by the OP about 'not seeing yourself married until we get married properly'

bylromarha

Just want to echo smam21's sentiments about understanding the debt. It's appalling that you need to even consider this, but society has gone the way of fees and abolished the grant system. I was lucky to begin studying in the last year of grants and still struggled though. 6 years after graduating I am still paying off the student loans I needed that ensured I ate.

OP-I got married at the end of my final year. Had I known the financial implications, we probably would have got wed during uni. Being engaged for 15 months wasn't fun (We're Christians so it really wasn't fun waiting that long :whistle: ) Being young doesn't mean you can't decide these things.

As for the "proper" wedding after uni, if the ring and piece of paper don't make any difference to either of you, then why bother with a blessing after you graduate? Just go straight for a big party and dress up to the nines!

How do your family feel about your idea? And does this bother you?

margaretclare

Lellie

Sorry to say this, but can't resist it. University students and you don't know the difference between 'affect' and 'effect'. It's your mother tongue - basic English!

Aunty Margaret - who has BSc(Hons) Behavioural Sciences

pug_in_a_bed

margaretclare wrote:

Lellie

Sorry to say this, but can't resist it. University students and you don't know the difference between 'affect' and 'effect'. It's your mother tongue - basic English!

Aunty Margaret - who has BSc(Hons) Behavioural Sciences

Lol Aunty Margaret, now I'm even more scared of you!:rotfl:

tr3mor

margaretclare wrote:

Lellie

Sorry to say this, but can't resist it. University students and you don't know the difference between 'affect' and 'effect'. It's your mother tongue - basic English!

Aunty Margaret - who has BSc(Hons) Behavioural Sciences

this is lellie - too lazy to sign out of trem's account..

I do know the difference I'm usually very pedantic about it but I was a bit caught up by the conversation rather than my grammar for a change.

BWZN93

Hi Lellie.

You say you are 19 and your partner is 21. Without wishing to sound at all patronising, I just wanted to give you some advice from someone who has just finished uni, at 25yrs old, and I started at uni age 21. The person I was when I was 16, was completely different to the person I was at 19. I was then different at 21, and now am different at 25. 19 is awfully young to get married, I was a very mature 19year old, I had a mortgage, a fiance, and a baby on the way, and things unravelled pretty quickly, simply because I met my then partner at 17 and by 19, wanted different things.

I had a miscarriage, but my relationship was already on the rocks by that point. I dont want to say that your relationship will definately deteriorate, because no-one, not even you, can say that it will or wont. My ex and I had very similar likes and dislikes, we wanted the same things from life. But that changed, and I ended up going back home, selling my share of the house to my ex, and studying to go to uni, where I had a crazy first year etc. In my final year, I had again turned into a very different person to the one I was in my first year, and have a partner so very unlike my ex. Even now, after being with him for almost two years, I wouldnt say that we are in the position to get married, as, although we have similar interests and ambitions, we are going through a transitional period in our life (graduating, moving house, getting jobs, got a cat etc etc) and every day I learn something new about myself and what I want, like and dislike.

What would happen for instance if after you graduate (you dont say what you are studying so ill just use a random example) and he wants to go off to law school, and you get offered a job in london with a big firm, but he can only get into study up north?? Would you go your separate ways and see each other when you could, even though you are married? What if he couldnt get funding for the course, so you had to pay for living costs etc for being in London, and £20000 for his course fees? Are you absolutley sure that one of you would put your ambitions on hold to further the others? Who would be the one to make the sacrifice?

What about having kids? What about retirement plans? What about where you want to live? Seriously, I simply wouldnt agree to marry someone without first asking about 300 questions on all these topics and more, to get an idea of what they are looking for? You could in three years time, realise you want to have kids, and he wants to move to New York instead, but all you want to do is be near your parents for help and support. Do you have the same ideas on how you would ideally discipline kids? I ask because you must have seen supernanny on ch4, and the parents are almost at breaking point simply because they are going about it in different ways, the kids are running riot because they are confused.

Its all very well and good that you know that you want to marry each other, but in my eyes, marriage is not about the big day, the £94 wedding would personally suit me down to the ground, as I would hate the attention, and I learned from my past mistakes, (and those of my family around me) that marriage is about what happens after the 'big day' and is about forever, not one day in a lovely dress with a big cake and presents.

Marriage (and I would say all of this to anyone wanting to get married, for whatever reason - im not singling you two out as students) is supposed to be a commitment that lasts forever, and you need to be absolutely sure about what you are doing, why you are doing it, and where you are going after you do it. Getting out of a marriage is so much harder, and more expensive than getting into it. Lets face it - marriage is easy to get into, and the millions of 'life questions' on every subject should be addressed before you say 'I do'. If everyone thought about it seriously instead of thinking about a 'special day' and co-ordinating flowers with tableclothes, and really thought about co-ordinating opinions and feelings on the things that happen to us all in life, then the divorce rate would go down.

Could you answer where your intended wants to retire to (in the sense of - does he like the idea of going abroad, or owning a cottage in the scottish hills, or even spending his last years travelling around the world in a sailboat) without asking him? What about if one of your children was really going off the rails, how would he deal with it? What does he want to happen if he was in a coma and has been for a few years, would he want to be switched off or not??

Even simpler - are you completely happy with all of his lovely little quirks? Biting ones toenails or leaving a teabag on the side instead of putting it in the bin can be cute in the beginning, after 20years these quirks can become more than irritating.

That said, if you do know each others thoughts and opinions without checking first, then maybe you are perfect for each other, and I wish you luck. But please dont do this for £6000 - the only reason for marriage is unconditional love and companionship, for richer for poorer, in sickness and health, etc etc. This is the spirit in which marriage should be approached, not getting a couple of extra k in the bank.

On a final point, to get your fees paid for - you can be assessed on your own merits if you are dissassociated from your parents, i.e - massive falling out and they wont support you any longer. Id advocate that route first.

Jo xx

margaretclare

Hi jw1096

Your post rang a bell with me. I agree with you completely! Although I went to uni as a mature student in my early 40s, I was married with teenage daughters, I do recall what one of our professors said in the first few days...'Higher education is meant to CHANGE YOU. That's what it does. If it doesn't change you by the time you leave here in 3 years' time then it has failed'.

I was a bit sceptical about that at the time. After all, I was already in a career, had a marriage, home and kids - how could it change me? Believe me, it did, and it does.

Aunty Margaret