Separation - Won't let me take kids

nickyhutch

Get yourself and your kids out of there now sweetie. They can see what's going on and the longer they see it, the more they begin to see it as "normal" and you're just setting up a vicious circle.

Help IS out there for you - tke th advice of these ladies who obviously know what they're talking about.

Thinking of you.

emweaver

Please speak to someone as you can not suffer like this. The fact your mentally ill shouldnt come into it as your on medication so assume that everythings under control?

The fact that hes abusive and always drunk wont do him any favours!

I really hope you manage to find a solution. I too am mentally ill and do worry if we ever split and my husband fought for custody but I know of a few mothers who were "mentally ill" who won custody battles.

Hes only saying this to scare you out of not leaving. Its not healthy for yourself or the kids to stay in that situation though

queenb1981

You should do what you feel is right! dont be bullied into leaving your kids. They need their mother.

RAMBLER

Well Done for talking about his abuse of you, as that is what it is, he has no right what so ever to phyiscally, mentally or emotinally abuse you or through you the kids. By saying that you will not get the kids, that in itself is mental and emotinal abuse. Don;t listen to him, listen to people whom have your best intrests at heart. Womans Aid are great, they can also get you a local refuge. You have strength as you have asked for help, just remember you and your kids are worth having a great life free of fear. HE is the one who is in the wrong, not you!!!!!

Be strong and if you feel you can't, lean on others whom can be strong and there for you, it is not a weekness

europa16

Thank you for all you replies, they are a great comfort to me.
The physical conflicts haven't happened for nearly 8 months now (although he did try to shove me out of bed on Sat morning and chucked the Sky remote across the room when I said I couldn't carry on any more). The worst it ever got only amounted to pushing, shoving and poking. He says he's going to try harder not to be an !!!!! and cut down on his drinking (he blames it on this). I find it hard to distinguish between verbal/emotional abuse and what is considered normal in a relationship, and sometimes feel like I can't trust my own judgement in case I'm making the wrong decision.
I don't know if I can trust him to try and change (again) as the issues still remaim (my past before I met him, and current affection levels from me). Apparently these are my fault and I should help him get over them. Problem is, I can't, as I have my own issues to deal with regarding the past "abuse" (I hate using that term). I'm currently waiting for counselling for that.
This is such a difficult decision to make, especially as it would mean such an upheaval for the kids, which would probably affect them for a long time to come. I've put 12 years into this relationship and never wanted it to fail.
My parents, his mother and brother are fantastic and do know the situation (last time I walked out, my parents did a 900 mile round trip just to pick me and the kids up!).
He asked me if I still wanted a divorce, last night:rolleyes:

MrsTinks

I'd second what all the other posters have said... Get out!
Not only for your safety and the kids sake. But also because it can be much easier to be objective about this when you are somewhere you feel safe and have the professional help you need.
Don't worry about the kids being upheaved - I've been moved so much in my life that by the time I finished my A-levels I attended no less than 8 schools in 3 different countries. And I like to think I turned out ok! If anything has bothered me it's the fact my stepdad is an alcoholic and he can be a bit nasty when he drinks too much (most days) although most of the time he's just drunk and then falls asleep... I've talked to my mum about it and she knows I'm here if she wants to talk about it but other than that I'm not going to interfer in this problem.
She has 20+ years invested in the relationship and I really don't think it's an excuse or reason to stay! I look at it as throwing good money after bad in a way. Just because you have spent a lot of years then don't waste even more just because it's already cost you!
You never start a relationship with the view it will fail, but they do and that's that. How you both deal with this is what your children will remember...
My parents never argued infront of me - ever! I barely remember my mum leaving us (she left my dad and I for my now stepdad) when I was about 4 or 5. But to this day I never forgave her for leaving me although it was only a few years ago I found out she left my dad for my stepdad and that it wasn't a natural ending of the relationship etc...
Hasn't made it easier for me to forgive to be honest - but looking back I'm glad she did. I would have hated living with them although my childhood had some pretty rough patches as it was.
If anything was hard it was the fact my mum didn't take me with her - yes I knwo now that it was the best for me - but I think I'm pretty unique in that sense...
Take the kids, don't leave them with your hubby who obviiously has some pretty severe problems of his own. And go where he can't find you easily - like refuge or shelter.
If he truely does change then fine - but you shouldn't be there whilst he tries as he will go through a lot of changes and sometimes he'll slip and he could get nasty again or vindictive...
Please just get out and make sure at least you and the kids are safe...

dearbarbie

i agree with everyone else. you are questioning it yourself and understandably sound scared to make a move. he said he would get better, and he hasn't. what if something was to happen to the kids? he needs to get help himself, not blame things on you. he's dented your confidence, you can do this! x

hev_2

I really hope that this works out for you.

Have you considered that a big reason why you may not trust your own judgement is because he has screwed with your head for the last 12 years.

Perhaps you can take a break, take some time away from him and get your thoughts together. If he cares about you he will understand.

I hate adding pressure onto a difficult situation, but have you considered what you are showing your children as a 'normal' relationship. They will think that what they see as they grow up is their mum in bits and their dad throwing his weight around and that is what they will expect when they have their relationships.

There are loads of really supportive people on here, and they will be able to help you define abusive and sort out your thoughts.

Sorry if this has caused extra stress. Perhaps a few sessions with Relate may help.

Oh - the mental health thing - there is no way on earth that it will stop you having the kids. If there is concern that it would affect your kids then they would already be watched and you may be able to get supporting evidence from medical professionals about the effect of his behaviour on you.

Good luck

ilikepoints

I think people need to remember they are only seeing one side of the story here. Perhaps he's as concerned with the children's welfare as you are?

As I see it you've got the advantage as at least you're getting help for your mental problems whilst presumably he's not sought help to deal with his drinking.

Either he needs to get help or you leave.

sarahlouise210

I am taking Citilopram,I also take massive amounts of other medication for Epilepsy,have seizures and am about to have brain surgery ....but I tell you - NO-ONE would keep me parted from my children ! You do not need to be in this abusive relationship, you are so low that because he tells you you cant take the kids you believe him. WRONG! You can leave him, you can take your children and you can make a happy life for you all away from abuse and drinking and mental torture. It will be hard for you to have the self belief that you can do this - but you can. I wish you lots of luck ..xx