My rights to property, cash etc

onomatopoeia99

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82138695#Comment_82138695

Did you miss the huge reform of divorce law in 2020 (came into effect 2022) that made all divorces "no fault" and only requires a statement of irretrievable breakdown from one party, which cannot be contested by the other?

Took nearly 50 years but we finally have a sensible set of laws around divorce designed to do away with the blame game.

UnsureAboutthis

Thanks to everyone who has tried to help and given advice.

Just to clarify, the woman and her immediate family are living in England, while her parents and wider family all live abroad.

My OH was at their house last night and spoke to her again. She said that her husband is loving, caring, loves their children and knows they have a very nice home, which is something she says she could only have dreamed of before getting married and moving to the UK. He also has a well-paid job.

I've known them through my OH for a few years now. He has always seemed like a genuinely nice, down-to-earth and easy-going bloke. I've never really seen him as the type to have a wandering eye, although obviously that is just my personal impression and doesn't mean anything either way.

The main thing that came out of the conversation is that she doesn't want to do anything that could potentially jeopardise her marriage, home or children and my OH and I get that and possibly down to having no immediate family of her own here but even if she did, people do accept cheats and carry on as per usual and she did sort of say that… She too also said that she believes plenty of husbands and wives cheat, and sometimes the other person accepts it or chooses to turn a blind eye because they feel they have far more to lose than gain by confronting it.

My OH has respected what she wants and has told her we'll help as much as we can. We've also made it clear that we don't want to be blamed for whatever decision she eventually makes, or for any information or suggestions we give her. The children look very happy as does the wife when they are togehter from what my OH has noted and they have met a lot more than I have.

Neither of us are the sort of people who tell others what they should do just because it's what we would do. We can give information, suggestions and our opinion, but at the end of the day it's her marriage, her home and her children, so the decision is hers.

She feels she has more to lose than gain by taking things further, and who are we to tell her she's wrong about that?

Thanks again to everyone who has offered advice. We do appreciate people trying to help. We just don't want her feeling pushed into doing something because it's what other people think she should.

Personally, I've met women via work and even our own other personal circles where women have sworn blind that would kick out their husband (rarer occasions kick out their wife)if they ever caught them cheating, but when the hammer falls, it's a completely different story of accepting it in various ways, but accepting it.

Btw: About the house being in the husband's name only and the wife not having contributed towards it financially and been married for several years - is she still entitled to some or 50% of the house especially if they have kids?

UnsureAboutthis

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82139541#Comment_82139541

Divorce was already too easy in my view this just made it into a bigger joke, i.e., marriage. These recent 25 odd years.

I cant prove it but in the past, married couples who went through lows eg cheating other half often rode out the storm as IMO, it was the piece of paper that kept them togers as oppsoed to parenters who often wlaked out and rarely looked back unless the man/woman they walked out with walked out on them.

The worst thing in all of this is the children's suffering—too many people see marrage as a joke and the number of divorced eople I am now coming across even at the age of 50 plus having been married 25/30 years is increasing and we have realtives like that with grown up kids - marriage is a joek and I guess some of the blame is on social media/mobile hones/internet chats ie the chats go on well into the night after work.

Sorry just a rant.

saajan_12

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82139552#Comment_82139552

Btw: About the house being in the husband's name only and the wife not having contributed towards it financially and been married for several years - is she still entitled to some or 50% of the house especially if they have kids?

You're jumping ahead to the post-divorce state. Yes if its a fairly long marriage with kids then the ownership on paper matters less, and the marital assets would go towards both of their housing, whether that means she keeps the house and another is bought for him using the other assets or vice versa.

However thats AFTER the dust settles. Immediately upon separation she can't necessarily force him out if there's no abuse and also can't demand support from day 1 if she moves out. It all takes time. So the first priorities should be

(a) gathering a nest egg, whether from friends & family, working a little, etc. That money is her safety net if she needs lawyers, accommodation, etc.

(b) councelling if she's unsure about leaving

lincroft1710

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82139541#Comment_82139541

As there have been so many laws coming out over the past 6 years, especially a load often annoyingly referred to as "(first name)'s" law, quite probably. "Mrs" L and I are not married so I wouldn't really have paid much attention to it.

Albermarle

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82139552#Comment_82139552

In your OP you said:

Posting on behalf of a friend (my OH's friend/s) who needs urgent legal/financial guidance before confronting her husband.

The situation seems to have changed quite dramatically since ?

The main thing that came out of the conversation is that she doesn't want to do anything that could potentially jeopardise her marriage, home or children.

Also she said this:

people do accept cheats and carry on as per usual and she did sort of say that… She too also said that she believes plenty of husbands and wives cheat, and sometimes the other person accepts it or chooses to turn a blind eye because they feel they have far more to lose than gain by confronting it.

Fair enough, but the kind of cheating involved could indicate a bigger issue to threaten the marriage, than just a fling.

She just discovered he is having an affair with another man

Pollycat

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82139552#Comment_82139552

Your original post and later one (quoted above) are contradictory.

You originally asked specific questions about finances in the case of divorce.

Now you're saying she doesn't want to do anything to jeopardise her marriage, home and children.

She is understandably confused but I think you should step back.

Or risk giving advice that may come back later to bite you on the bum.

Just listen and let her talk through things to get clear in her own mind.

However, she does need to understand that the option of divorce may be taken out of her hands if her husband is serious about this affair.

Cubicsrube

OP, your own opinions about marriage and divorce are coming through loud and clear here; I wonder if that is the case for the woman in question, too — and that’s why she is giving you the impression that she may want to stick with him/the marriage.

Since you and your wife seem to be trusted friends whose opinion she values, and you seem to care about her welfare and the kids’, I’d urge you to consider another angle: how damaging could it be for them to be trapped in a hugely asymmetric power dynamic out of misplaced gratitude? How damaging when the kids learn of the affair (they will)? How damaging to teach them that a woman is dependent on a man’s largesse, with which he buys a license to cheat? How damaging to expose her to STDs not to mention mental health problems? And, if this man is in fact fully closeted, how damaging to all of them to live a complete lie for years?

BungalowBel

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82139541#Comment_82139541

I missed it.

UnsureAboutthis

I've said to my OH that she should try to talk less to her friend, and there is a valid reason for this. Initially, the friend was worried about how she would leave and what she would be entitled to. Now, she wants to stay. I can understand that. Leaving your home and children is extremely difficult, especially when you have no family of your own nearby and are living in a foreign country.

I looked up the contact for help with things like this and got details for Women's Aid and told my OH to give them to her tonight, or the next time they speak on WhatsApp or whatever. I've also told my OH to keep a reasonable distance and encourage her friend to seek proper advice and support through Women's Aid.

As for the suggestion that the husband is seeing another woman, I have no evidence of this. Personally, I would consider it wrong for someone to have an affair while married, but that's beside the point because there is currently no evidence that he is doing so, and the friend hasn't been able to provide any either.

One thing that makes her suspect he might have NOT have someone else is that he uses the same password on his phone as his wife, and she is sometimes asked to answer his phone when he's busy, etc. However, like many people who cheat these days, he could theoretically have another secret phone, but we simply don't know.

All in all, we'll try to guide her, but I've told my OH never to agree with or make decisions for her. Instead, she should simply say something along the lines of: "It is your choice. Only you can make that decision."

Other than that, I think the best advice is to strongly recommend that she contacts Women's Aid/etc and gets proper guidance from them.

One other worrying thing — and something I don't think a lot of people consider — is CCTV and Ring-type doorbells that record people coming and going. She says her husband is "keeping an eye" on her. My OH has said there is no evidence of that and told her that illions of people have these types of doorbells and CCTV nowadays. Equally, the husband has bought her a nice car, lets her drive his car, and she doesn't appear to be short of money. None of that proves anything either way, but I don't think we should automatically interpret ordinary things as evidence of controlling behaviour without knowing the wider circumstances.

In my view, if she did leave — although I doubt she will — she could potentially lose out financially and in other ways. Having said that, if she becomes 100% certain that he is cheating, then she should talk to him about it rather than simply assuming it. (I had a friend who worried about his wife having affairs as she was a proper looker and he was not so and often told so - their marriage almost broke up becuse of his false assumptions/acusations, but somehow he say the light ie his wife married him for whatever reason and to this day, they are togther and one of the happiest couples I can see)

If there were any signs of physical abuse, we would absolutely encourage her to seek appropriate help, including contacting the police where necessary.

As for emotional abuse, we haven't seen any clear evidence or any for that matter, either. The only thing that might come remotely close is that he doesn't want her to work until the youngest child reaches full-time school age. His reasoning is that he doesn't trust other people to look after their children when they are very young, particularly when they may not yet be able to tell their parents if something is wrong.

I can understand his concern, although obviously there may be other perspectives to consider.

So, thanks again to everyone who has offered advice. IMO, there are almost always two sides to every story, and I think this friend of my OH would be wise to contact Women's Aid and get proper guidance and support from people who are trained to deal with these situations.

NB - Wmans Aid - any other outfit you lot can think off which may be able to help?