How can a friend get help with her husband?

FlorayG

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82131003#Comment_82131003

I know, and I'm helping her with that part best I can. We're just trying to find out what outside help is available so that she can get her own life back without worrying constantly about him. Sadly although a carer's assessment would help greatly, there is a long wait for an appointment

KxMx

Would they be able to fund finding a cleaner, some help with the animals etc as an interim measure? That would reduce her workload.

HedgehogRulez

surely divorce is the solution here

Emmia

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82140508#Comment_82140508

Separation, is the alternative if she doesn't want to divorce - but how practical that might be, probably depends on the finances... Does she have her own pension etc, or is she reliant on the pension of her husband.

FlorayG

Wow this thread has gone wild. She's asking how to get some practical help so that she can get her own life back to how it used to be.

Divorce or leaving is hardly a suitable solution

Cubicsrube

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6682175/how-can-a-friend-get-help-with-her-husband

Everyone is responding to your framing of the problem in your original post: controlling, selfish husband, not letting her leave the house, long-standing pattern, fearing for her mental health.
A cleaner is not going to solve that problem.

Emmia

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82140984#Comment_82140984

I don't think it's wild at all, if the shoe was on the other foot I wouldn't be entirely surprised if the husband had already left.

The situation with the husband is unlikely to improve, and leaving (whether they formally divorce or not) is one obvious way of your friend regaining her independence.

Objectively, if she doesn't want to separate/divorce the practical help is cleaners and carers, and taking herself out of the house whilst they're working… or seeing if care can be provided in a nursing home. None of this is cheap as a solution though.

Pollycat

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6682175/how-can-a-friend-get-help-with-her-husband

Is he well enough to be left for a few hours so she can still pursue her activities and see her friends?

If he is, then regardless of him not wanting her to go out, she should just tell him that she is going out anyway.

He really can't stop her.

Is she fussing around him because of his illnesses?

Maybe she just needs to toughen up and stop pandering to him.

Jemma01

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82140984#Comment_82140984

you haven't aswered the questions posted by @KxMx in the following comment. What kind of help is she after?

Someone to bathe him (you said wasn't immobile)? Someone to care for the outside of the property? Care for the animals? Someone to take him outside (again you said unsociable)? Someone to play games and cards with him to make him socialise and forget about her absence?

Help her find a therapist to work on her mental health issues (fear of him, fear of taking control, low self-esteem) and someone to talk to?

What does she think she needs help? Is she willing to pay? Sounds like they have a lot of assets, or is after financial help?

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82127449#Comment_82127449

FlorayG

Having seen her a couple of times since I started this thread, it seems what she needs is a way to keep him occupied now he's mostly housebound. They've always lived their own independent lives and now he can't do that without her taking him everywhere and being available when he is bored and frustrated. Probably unsolvable, thinking about it