How can a friend get help with her husband?

FlorayG

Thanks everyone I will pass on suggestions.

I don't know if any will work, I know he barely went out when he was fit and well, he's very unsociable

I also reminded her that her own time out is important but that's easy to say and harder to do when you're stuck. They live out in the country on a smallholding and barely know the 'neigbours'

They don't have any children

FlorayG

HM she has come back to me to say he only has one 'friend' who doesn't come to see him

She thinks he may have dementia but he refuses to be tested

I don't know what to suggest to help her

RAS

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82126079#Comment_82126079

Ok, the smallholding is going to be demanding in many ways.

I'd suggest she needs to work out urgently whether the smallholding is a source of income or a net drag on finances. There are a good many farms which barely break even and it is only outside work that brings in the income to support the family. That's even more of an issue with smallholdings.

If it's a net drag or even Stevens, she may need to rationalise things urgently, even if he doesn't like it. That means getting rid of livestock and simplifying tasks or selling up.

Hopefully she's aware of the rules round agricultural tenancies (all occupiers need to be off the property for sometime each year, preferably more than the required day per year and if possible let to someone else next time).

Also short term, they need to avoid breaking rules round looker and keepers, and animal welfare. If she doubts they can manage animal welfare, things get harder. They both risk prosecution if any welfare issues are reported, even if he is incapable of delivering. The fact they barely know neighbours, who might have been the best chance of temporary support, makes the situation more urgent.

Does he have any other family?

FlorayG

Sorry, I seem to have misunderstood the term smallholding.

I meant by it they have a few acres, a decent veg garden, a lot of chickens and ducks and she has horses. They don't farm it. But neighbours are not nearby and she has no other family

elsien

I would suggest that looking after just that lot would be plenty to be going on with even without an immobile demanding husband on top.

FlorayG

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82127109#Comment_82127109

Well yes that's sort of my point and her problem

Hes not immobile, just housebound without help; which help she is stuck with giving

KxMx

She does have a lot going on, perhaps she could make a list of what she'd like to do herself, and all the things she needs help with.

Then look at what help is needed in the short term ie cleaner, animal carer etc.

Long term they might want to consider relocating, if he can no longer drive and she herself became unable, the situation would become extremely difficult to manage.

She can ask the local authority for a carers assessment but there is likely to be a wait. This is not for husband's care needs, this is for her needs as a carer.

https://www.nhs.uk/social-care-and-support/support-and-benefits-for-carers/carer-assessments/

Her GP Surgery might be able to signpost support as well.

FlorayG

Thanks @KxMx I've had a look at the link and passed it on. That looks like a good place for her to start and she can explain the difficulties with her husband to them, see what they can suggest

Cubicsrube

As you describe it, the bigger problem seems to be in their relationship (rather than the facts of his declining health, which many many older couples navigate together). There is a limit to how much you or any outside resource can do, if the husband is using his condition as the latest power play in a long history of controlling behaviour.
FWIW I think the big transformation for her would be if they both recognised that she holds power, too. She can commit to never neglect his basic care while also being clear that she is not a servant, and will not cater to his every whim, be at his beck and call, provide service with a smile, or stay home 24/7. He may have to learn the hard way that he gets better care and companionship from a happy, healthy wife.

Jemma01

If doesn't appear like care is needed, but rather she needs to take control of her life, she's 70. For how long does she want to live like that? Sometimes difficult decisions needs to be made within, she needs to be brave.