How can a friend get help with her husband?

FlorayG

Both in their 70s. She is healthy and fit, he's had 2 strokes and sciatica and is recently housebound. He's very controlling and selfish, she's coped with this for many years by having friends and activities outside the home but now she's struggling with looking after him because he seems to be all me me me and doesn't want her to leave the house.

I can see this soon having a serious effect on her mental health, she's already struggling...is there any help available? He's not really yet at the stage of needing actual carers, but he can't drive now and walks very poorly. I don't know what to suggest to her

sheramber

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6682175/how-can-a-friend-get-help-with-her-husband

Does your friend want help or is this your idea?

Savvy_Sue

If she wants help, she could ask for a Carers Assessment through Social Services.

Stroke Association may also have suggestions, I know our local bit does information and support days.

FlorayG

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82125982#Comment_82125982

She does want help but doesn't know where to go to ask

Keep_pedalling

This might be of interest.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cy0j2xlp83eo

strawb_shortcake

My Husband volunteers with a stroke support group, they have lots of activities and outings for both the stroke survivor and the spouse/family. I guess each group will be different but the one my Husband supports go swimming once a week, weekly sessions of either art therapy or a talk and bowls once a fortnight. Additionally they have day trips through the summer and a Christmas meal. Lifts can be organised by the volunteers. This would allow them to either spend time as a couple or him on his own freeing up time for her.

You can find your local group here https://www.stroke.org.uk/finding-support/stroke-support-groups?

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elsien

She needs to put boundaries in place about still going out and him not controlling her. If doesn’t need carers, then there’s no reason he shouldn’t be okay on his own for hours.

That is something that has to come from here and I’m not sure other than calling any of the domestic abuse helpline that that is that something that anyone else can help her with.

Emmia

There's an interesting phenomenon that in this type of situation in general women stay and care for their husband/partner... Men tend to leave...

Your friend can physically walk out the door, if her husband is controlling and his decline in health is making him more controlling, then perhaps she needs to find ways of leaving him, even if just for the day. She needs her friends and support. Perhaps a bit of support from outside carers to provide space for her to recharge.

YBR

So his health has recently deteriorated and he may be afraid of being alone for long (I'm assuming, sorry), and she's therefore got no respite from caring.

Looking for a local stroke support group is good, Also a local day centre possibly - ours work in partnership with local volunteer driver services. He may need mobility aids for this if he walks poorly so perhaps look to get these in place if not already.

Ensure they both are assessed (re-assessed?) for care/carer needs, not just for day-to-day but also periods of respite. If she's worn out physically/mentally it helps neither of them. That's adult Social Services. Ask them for further suggestions and sign-posting too.

Does he have any friends that can be invited round, since this might be turned into an opportunity for her to go out for a time without him fearing being alone. Alternatively can he have an alarm button/system or use the phone, perhaps arrange a neighbour to available if he needs anything until he feels OK with her going out.

Finally, could she could pay privately for a carer once or twice a week.

elsien

While agreeing a care act assessment may be helpful, there are a couple of caveats. Firstly he has to agree to be assessed, then there is potentially quite a long waiting list for lower priority people, and the outcome may be simply sign posting to other resources.

gm0

Focused support groups with access to other people who have been there done that. Techniques.

Other local community groups. Encouragement of. Anything which can be embedded as habitual "we do this" or On thursday you listen to/watch xyz while I…..). which adds external contact outside the day to day routine - quarterly/monthly/weekly.

Or a solo activity around a needed activity (which creates a break in a habitual routine slot) and less triggering of distress or fear in the patient. It's just something that always happens thursday.

According to location and preferences this activity can come from church, village hall elder community lunches, other hobbies. Or a coffee/chat with a friend or family member or an exercise class built around a weekly food shop. Nature of activity is often less important than the social contact and getting outside the four walls.

Depending on the version of the decline and prior personality and relationships with spouse and children this can be significantly more or less difficult for the immediate family carers. Triggering the residential care needs conversation earlier or later - with its various unwelcome financial and other total loss of independence consequences. Hardly anyone loves that idea and for good reasons. Hybrid families with "history" can complicate how various children who may not know each other that well feel about the elder couple and their needs and who "should" be responsible for pushing on sorting things out once its clear they are failing to cope.