Need fresh eyes on my budget!

honeybee1234

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81911285#Comment_81911285

I hadn't heard of this, thanks @Spendless as this could definitely be useful!

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81912303#Comment_81912303

Oooooo @Mands that's very thought provoking!

The boys' father, my ex, whilst we had our differences, he is a good dad. Having said that, DS at college has stated previously that he prefers to ask me regarding stuff he needs as (paraphrasing) Dad isn't great at remembering to get anything they've asked for. There's also a chunk of me wanting to feel purposeful during times the boys aren't here with me, and that for myself, my parents weren't attentive in that way and I don't want the kids to be lacking because they're waiting on Dad who has forgotten.

A couple of months ago, I asked the ex if he could pick up some conditioner for the youngest as he wasn't using any and his hair was really dry and tangly. Sure, he said. It took him a *month*, with repeated reminders from me. This is how it is with a lot of the day-to-day stuff that I used to sort when we were together, and it's just easier for me to sort things rather than the boys waiting on stuff they need.

I constantly feel parental guilt that I'm not the resident parent which definitely plays into it. So combine those things and I feel like I shouldn't have nice things because the kids are more important. I need to cultivate a healthier attitude towards myself I think.

MayDogsandCoffee

Oh, but when he isn't good at remembering you step up and pay - so he continues to forget. If he put some cash into a pot via direct debit then he wouldn't need to remember. Or get the boys to remind him on drip, broken record method.

liselle

My ex was good at the not remembering.He was from the generation that relied on secretaries and when he retired, thought he’d rely on me…to no avail, I must say -.something about women being the ones who always did the shopping……

I agree, when it’s your children you have to do it sooner or later.

I admired a friend who, when she got married, said to her husband, you do your relatives cards, presents, etc., and I’ll do mine.

Unfortunately I didn’t think of that at the time.

Spendless

It sounds to me like your ex is still putting the 'mental load' onto you by not 'remembering' to get stuff! I can understand why you still wish to provide to stop the kids going without just cos of their Dad. With things like conditioner will they use any? I'm the one who will only use certain ones whereas the others are fine with anything so can see both sides of the fence. If the answer is 'any is it worth sticking a cheapo one in your grocery basket and building up a small reserve for times like this for any personalhygiene products? You could also do what I started doing with my eldest (similar circs to one of yours lives by self, not much money after paying bills) and one of his Xmas presents from us is what I call a 'basic toiletry set'. I fill a small box with everyday stuff, toothpaste, toothbrush, deodarant, shampoo, conditioner, shower gel. I add some personalised bits too mine works to work and lives close to water so I include handcream for chapped hands and lip balm. Obviously will take you to December before he gets it, but I found it a simple thing to do, inexpensive if you buy over time and when offers are on and is much appreciated.

honeybee1234

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81914085#Comment_81914085

Ohhhh he absolutely is still putting the mental load on me. @Spendless I make excuses as he often works long hours and logically it makes sense for me to sort stuff out if I have more time. It's frustrating because I know he's not doing it deliberately but I feel if he has the responsibility for the main care of the boys, that he should be on the ball with things such as personal care items.

I also am aware that I don't want to accidentally foster an environment where the boys come to me for things they need and I say their dad needs to sort that out, and leave them feeling like they can't come to me for practical stuff like this, and their dad won't remember even if they do ask.

I like the idea of a basket of personal care stuff. I do this at my house similar to what you described already, so I might make one up gradually.

ellenvan

Just checking in, to see if all ok?

Hope the spending is going in the right direction.

honeybee1234

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81934087#Comment_81934087

All is good thankyou!

So this month has been a mixed bag. Let's start with the good!

• I have paid off three of my cards, amounting to approx. £2600. It was difficult handing over the savings for this for sure, but I got such a kick out of seeing those balances reset to zero! Plus this has freed up around £94 per month to use towards repaying the rest of my credit card debt
• The grocery budget has been way better. Not perfect, but I'm running pretty close to not overspending by the end of the month
• I've focused a lot on cutting down food wastage. I've shifted the menu plan around and swapped in meals according to what needs using up. OH has been really helpful with this when he's been here which is great! I think I could still improve so this'll be something I continue to work on
• I spoke to my therapist about my money situation and handling it with my older two. Therapist was really helpful and got me seeing how it's all right to prioritise myself without needing to feel guilty
• I've spent a lot of time observing when and how I spend or want to spend money. I've used the excuse "I don't splurge/drink/shop to excess" to justify when I have spent money I can't necessarily afford, which I have framed as "harmless" due to what I'm spending ON, rather than primarily looking at whether I can afford it. I've been busy putting off any spending urges by deciding "is this necessary?" and "if it is, then can this wait until next month when I've been paid?" when funds are low.

So the not-so-good!

• I partly funded pots (Christmas and another which escapes me atm!) but couldn't fund more just because funds didn't allow
• discretionary spending pot was low which meant I've had to dip into my reserves and my savings a handful of times
• I did use a chunk of money for Mother's Day which was planned but ended up being more than I expected. I offered to pay for DD's train ticket which was waaaaay more than I anticipated, I think as she bought it last minute and the days she travelled on plus some other incidentals. This served to bring it home to how I offer to cover things for the oldest two (separate to them having asked for money in the past) as a feeling of duty - I think I've been trying to recreate the role my parents played for me at that age, the difference being they could afford it. My therapist has been great with all this!

I've been working on my April budget, and I'm also working out how much I can afford to pay off the next credit card. I still have funds left in savings before it gets down to the £1000 for my emergency fund, plus a fortuitous small chunk of cashback and a forgotten-about small pot of savings I set up a while ago to throw towards it. So generally momentum is good!

ellenvan

Looks like you doing really well, which is nice to hear.

I still think your offspring find it easy to spend your money. If they had been paying themselves for the train fare etc , then far more motivation to find a cheap ticket.

honeybee1234

I appreciate the frankness @ellenvan and that's part of the reason I post here, to get opinions.

So with that in mind, here is where I am currently.

I had "the chat" with the older two the other week. They were supportive and since then I've had no requests for money. I did highlight that despite my situation, that if they were ever in trouble, in an emergency in any way which they needed to get out of, they must always ring me and I would be there. DD was in a bad relationship a couple of years ago so I felt it important to clarify this.

The new month has come around, and I have allocated money to my pots. I'm still not 100% settled with this as I keep thinking of things I need to account for, so I've been playing around with how much in which pot, but I'm about there.

The grocery month has kicked off well. I've been using my Chase card for the 1% cashback at Lidl, but I'm considering swapping to using cash. I used to do this a few years ago and it worked really well with being mindful, so from this week I'm trialling withdrawing a weekly amount and when it's gone, it's gone. Using up leftovers is going excellently! Really pleased with progress on this.

Other than that, I'm planning for a quiet rest of the month. This week is the second week of the Easter holidays, I've had the boys the first week but may take them out on a very low/no cost walk to the woods with the dog. They've got things planned with their friends so it should be pretty quiet otherwise!

Hope everyone is well! Today is a quiet day at home, catching up from having the boys last week, lots of laundry and tidying!

ArtyJ931

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81952849#Comment_81952849

mid last year I started withdrawing a weekly amount of cash to help budgeting and it really did help. I’m now experimenting with using pots on Monzo to see if it is as effective. Shall see!