Finally going to tell my husband about my bad debt i'm scared

Rachel24

Hi

I didnt really know where to turn to so just wondering if anyone else has been in the same position. 

When I met my husband i'd always had a little bit of debt and was stupidly too scared to say. Well fast forward so many years my spending got out of hand and I stupidly took up matched betting to try and clear it. Then I just got a gambling problem instead and here we are today with 47k of debt. 

I had buried my head in the sand for so long, anyway all gambling sites blocked, entered a 10 year DMP with stepchange. I now need to tell my husband. 

It's all my debts, current mortgage plan is for 7 years fixed, car is his too. Im scared he'll leave me. I know he'll be so upset with my not telling him. 

I want to just tell him tonight when our child is in bed but I have asked my mum to babysit on Saturday so thinking I should tell him then instead. I currently can't sleep im so worried. 

Thanks if you've got this far 

Cheslea2010

Not telling him will just make things worse. I suspect he will be pretty angry when you tell him but the dust will settle, and you will get through it. My partner did a similar thing and initially I was very angry but after sitting down and understanding the reasoning behind it we were able to come up with a plan to make get it sorted. A problem shared is definitely a problem halved in this instance. Hopefully, you have a strong relationship and partner will support you. Well done for taking the step, you are on the way to making things better.

elsien

There have been other people on here with similar issues in the past. What seems to help when sharing with the partner is being clear on how the problem arose and that the steps to address it are already in hand. So, you are halfway there already. Good luck.

oceandreamer

Hello Rachel24 didn’t want to read and run. It’s hard to know how your husband will react but I do think it will help if you have a clear plan for repaying the debts and especially if you can do that yourself. People will be along with lots of good advice and you will get lots of support and kindness here. Keep posting . 

Fabulous50

I echo what has already been said, you have taken positive steps already. You may need to consider support groups for gambling- the members will have lived experience and you won't feel so alone.
Remember - You are doing great, it's only money and debt is fixable with patience and commitment. Sending big hugs.

RhiBi

I just wanted to say well done on facing up to things and making positive changes.  I can only echo other replies in that you’ve started making steps to deal with the debt and the reasons for it which is fantastic.

you know your husband best and how he’ll react but I hope that after the initial shock that he will support you and work on tackling it together.  My advice would be to tell him sooner rather than later.

please keep posting for support and advice.

paradigital

Just to add, if my wife were to come to me with similar information I would not be too angry with her as clearly my inattentiveness has meant that I could have been there sooner.

You are (hopefully) a team.

Exodi

Rachel24 said:

I stupidly took up matched betting to try and clear it. Then I just got a gambling problem instead and here we are today with 47k of debt.

Why was taking up matched betting stupid? I personally made about £7.5k in total from Matched Betting (and personally taught around 15 people, who each made a few grand). Admittedly one did blow the £2k they'd made in several months in one night on Blackjack chasing losses.

Unless you mean it was stupid because you were aware you have addictive tendencies?

Have you addressed the spending problem? Many seek to fix the symptoms, without addressing the cause - you don't fix a leak by emptying the bucket.

As you've entered a DMP and blocked yourself with the gambling sites, I think it's a much easier conversation than it would have been otherwise (e.g. it might have appeared you only told him because you couldn't afford to keep it a secret anymore). It comes across that you've taken steps to resolve the situation and you're telling him as you don't want to keep secrets and only want his moral support.

Likely he'll still be hurt and disappointed, but I'm sure he'll come round.

ManyWays

Exodi said:

Rachel24 said:

I stupidly took up matched betting to try and clear it. Then I just got a gambling problem instead and here we are today with 47k of debt.

Why was taking up matched betting stupid? I personally made about £7.5k in total from Matched Betting (and personally taught around 15 people, who each made a few grand). Admittedly one did blow the £2k they'd made in several months in one night on Blackjack chasing losses.

Unless you mean it was stupid because you were aware you have addictive tendencies?

Unless someone has gambled and had no problems with it, they can have no idea if they have "addictive tendencies". It has nothing to do with intelligence or willpower, or whether you have a problem with cigarettes or alcohol - it's how your brain is wired. Casino and other sites are deliberately designed to make people want to use them more. 

ManyWays

There are ways you can look to speed up the DMP, in the very early stages by making affordability complaints, later by trying to get debts partially settled. But for now, you have made a great start and are facing up to telling your partner. Well done!

Rachel24

Thanks everyone, im spending most of my morning crying.

I've decided to tell him tonight because if he needs to decide whether to stay or not i'd rather give him time to think. 

Matched betting was stupid of me as I do have an addictive personality, I get very fixated and sadly kept using the casinos to try and get a big win. Knowing I can do a dmp has been a massive relief but i'll still have a black cloud over me if i'm not honest with my husband. I know he'll be devastated i'm dreading telling him so much.