Helping a vulnerable relative - where do I start?

Wanna_Bee_Free

elsien said:

If they can’t afford to live where they are now and then is downsizing an option? Probably not the preference, but sometimes it is needs must. She simply cannot afford to pay that size mortgage if she’s not working. Everything else is just fiddling around the edges and what happens when your dad’s money runs out? 

EXACTLY THIS ELSIEN THANK YOU!

Last month spending two hours trying to cancel a newspaper and a music subscription with her for less than £20 whilst the elephant in the room is the mortgage. I can see this but don't think they can yet.

It may be that the household income can cover the mortgage and other expenses but that would be 80% my father at the moment and the minute his health changes or he dies it would not work anyway.

Wanna_Bee_Free

Plan for Sunday with little sis
1. OH to continue trying to fix nightmare email account
2 I help little sis to log in bank account that mortgage payment and others have bounced from and confirm overdraft amount, charges etc make a list of declined payments and start to fill in her SOA and list her debts
3 If that goes well log into second bank account and find out overdraft amount and see what regular payments there are going out if any.
4. Ignore her two credit cards for now. She pays manually each month so no DD to cancel.

Plan for Monday with father and little sis is to visit father's bank in person. Same bank as one of little sis two accounts. Try and get clear on what is happening and why. Issues as I understand them:
1. First cheque father wrote in 3 years not honoured
2. cashpoint card locked after 3 incorrect PIN attempts
3. fob to access accounts has not arrived through the post after a lot longer than 10 working days.

Come home and get sloshed. Recover and lick my wounds. Regroup Thursday.

Wanna_Bee_Free

won't = she won't use it for her own self care, rest and recuperation. 

itsthelittlethings

Wanna_Bee_Free said:

I would say caring for my father has been a significant factor. I have been giving 3 days and 2 nights a week plus OH Sunday lunches since my Mother died but after 3 years OH & I are exhausted. Little sis is not good at using the time I was giving to her own benefit. She currently is unwilling to leave my father at home even when he is fine and wants to stay home in the warm. Her mental health issues affecting her ability to leave the house quickly and easily.

I have no idea how to find carers organisations local to them but am willing to try and do it myself. What help do you think they might offer? I probably can only get Little Sis to do a limited amount of calls a day.

I have done less support than usual since late November as I had a bad cold and vertigo. I stopped staying overnight about the same time as she paces around all night and I can't sleep there anymore from my own anxiety/stress. I am going to return to daytime visits Sunday Monday Thursday and possibly Tuesday so she can have time off but won't. I am undecided about Tuesday given how little difference it seems to make.

They can do a carers assessment, perhaps provide someone for her to talk to, signpost her to support, all kinds of things. Google Carers organisation [your area].

Wanna_Bee_Free

Thanks itsthelittlethings, I might look into that in a week or two. The GP has referred her to a mental health person who didn't keep their pre-Christmas visit as they were ill so I might wait and let that meeting happen on Tuesday before I set more hares running at the moment. Her GP seems to want her to focus on eating again and that her mental issues might improve if she can get back to a healthy weight. 

elsien

With regards to checking benefits entitlement there are calculators that you can put figures through to get a rough idea if there’s anything else they could be claiming. Turn2us or entitled2 if you google. They are not fool proof but they give a very good indication
Credit cards are not a priority debt. The roof over their head is. It is silly to be paying credit card debt down when there are more important bills to be paid. This is where her SOA will come in handy. 

Do you have any concerns about your dad‘s capacity around his finances? He needs to do a power-of-attorney at his age, even if he’s fine now although that can be like trying to drag a horse to water. I would suggest his is far more important than your sisters.  If there are concerns then without wanting to worry you even more what happens if you get to the bank and they also have concerns about your dad’s ability to manage his money? You might find it in those circumstances they put a block on annyone else accessing the account. That is the worst case scenario and may not be relevant but putting it out there just in case. 

elsien

itsthelittlethings said:

Wanna_Bee_Free said:

I would say caring for my father has been a significant factor. I have been giving 3 days and 2 nights a week plus OH Sunday lunches since my Mother died but after 3 years OH & I are exhausted. Little sis is not good at using the time I was giving to her own benefit. She currently is unwilling to leave my father at home even when he is fine and wants to stay home in the warm. Her mental health issues affecting her ability to leave the house quickly and easily.

I have no idea how to find carers organisations local to them but am willing to try and do it myself. What help do you think they might offer? I probably can only get Little Sis to do a limited amount of calls a day.

I have done less support than usual since late November as I had a bad cold and vertigo. I stopped staying overnight about the same time as she paces around all night and I can't sleep there anymore from my own anxiety/stress. I am going to return to daytime visits Sunday Monday Thursday and possibly Tuesday so she can have time off but won't. I am undecided about Tuesday given how little difference it seems to make.

They can do a carers assessment, perhaps provide someone for her to talk to, signpost her to support, all kinds of things. Google Carers organisation [your area].

Carers organisations won’t do a carers assessment although they may well be able to signpost to other services. If she wants a proper carer’s assessment or your dad wants an assessment of his own needs that has to be through the local authority (They are overstretched and it won’t be quick) and support will be means tested. 

Your sister probably needs to chase up to mental health support as well because that’s likely to be a case of those who shout loudest. 

Wanna_Bee_Free

Hi Elsien, your posts are exactly why I decided to ask for help so thank you. My father's capacity issues are around using online banking without assistance. I have not had any involvement but Little Sis has been helping him execute what he wanted to do with his online banking and payments etc. Totally with his knowledge and at his request although some of it was caused by her being unemployed. I don't think a bank could say he lacked intellectual capacity but his hearing aids and unclear speech means either my sister and I need to be there to help with phonecalls etc. I raised  the issue of him giving us POA a while ago and he was a very unwilling horse. But it is my plan to push again now. 

Wanna_Bee_Free

What did you mean by this is where her will come in handy?

Wanna_Bee_Free

Universal Credit - do my father and my sister count as a household for the purpose of my father having savings? If not it might be worth me encouraging her to start a Universal claim in when I am there on Sunday