I don’t know where to turn.

Strawberry_cupcakes

Hi. I’m a mum of a 23 year old son whose life is chaos. To cut a long story short, he got involved with drugs approx 4.5 years ago, maybe earlier. It got really bad and he was homeless with his life spiralling. His homeless accommodation was so bad, I ended up buying him a bedsit apartment  in the hope it may stabilise his life. It is in my name so I am legally responsible for it.

 Fast forward 3.5 years, nothing is really changing. He abuses the property by leaving it in a filthy condition, he pays no rent and still buys and uses drugs, albeit he holds down a job paying approx £1200 per month. He has an unemployed girlfriend living with him and is getting deeper and deeper into his overdraft. I have recently had a solicitors letter from a large multi national company to say the roof of the apartment block he lives in is leaking into their property, and early indication is the whole roof needs replaced at a cost of approx £60k (old tenement building with complex issues).

I am sick with worry while he smokes his drugs and is oblivious to the real world. When I threaten eviction, he will speak about ending his life. He has me over a barrel. His dad takes no interest in him. Where do I turn to for help? I’m battling this alone. Thank you for reading. 

Brie

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.  I don't think I can offer any real practical help other than to say I know that as a debt adviser that if someone has complex issues like an addiction there's very little anyone can do until that issue is resolved.  If your son doesn't want to get straight then there's nothing you can do.  

Possibly the only suggestion is to issue an eviction notice (doing everything legally required) to get him out of the property (likely take several months at a minimum) and then sell. 

You likely need to walk away and leave him to deal with his life.  Maybe a hard knock will set him to rights.  Maybe not.  

As for practical help have you tried something like Al-Anon but for family members with drug problems?

Strawberry_cupcakes

Thank you. I’ve been down the addiction support route before. They take a very hard line in that I need to walk away. I struggle with this and can’t put my head on my pillow knowing he’s out there tho. I struggle even eating a meal wondering if he has food in his belly. He abuses me almost daily when I try and intervene. It’s a life sentence. I’m getting older now and in my 50’s and I’ve never felt so alone. He just has me over a barrel with no where to turn, 

20122013

Strawberry_cupcakes said:

Thank you. I’ve been down the addiction support route before. They take a very hard line in that I need to walk away. I struggle with this and can’t put my head on my pillow knowing he’s out there tho. I struggle even eating a meal wondering if he has food in his belly. He abuses me almost daily when I try and intervene. It’s a life sentence. I’m getting older now and in my 50’s and I’ve never felt so alone. He just has me over a barrel with no where to turn, 

I am sorry to hear your situation, and I have not much to add to Brie's post. apart from that, if you need to get your property back (for good reasons) the time is now to put your 'landlord/ owner business hat on' (don't let the emotional play out)  and start the formal route for the eviction process. as the no fault eviction will be ban next year - time goes by very quickly especially it is not a straight forward process.  

When I evicted my with my ex tenant and it took me 2 attempts to get the Section 21 correct and then wait and get to court etc.  I was fortunate I had found a solicitor who charged a reasonable fee and deals with my local court so they know the process very well and it helped with my stress level. 

Please remember that you need to look after yourself first so you have the strength to take care of others. Stay strong, it is ok (sometimes) to be tough in order to be kind.  Maybe time to try a different approach? 

Savvy_Sue

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

I know that sounds very harsh, and I don't mean it to make you feel worse, but it applies to your son too. He will continue to behave as he has for as long as it gets him what he wants. 

I know you'll feel dreadful, but you know yourself that this can't continue. You're going to make yourself ill, and then where will he be?

Don't threaten, do. Cracked record response. "I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's not up for discussion." 

itsthelittlethings

Do not pay for the roof to be fixed. You have done an absolutely wonderful and kind thing by buying him a flat and saving him from homelessness. I used to work in homelessness and it is a terrible thing. If he was in hostel accommodation and addicted to drugs he might have ended up back on the streets easily. 

If you pay for the roof to be fixed you are further enabling him and impoverishing yourself. It’s time for him to be a big boy and stand in his own two feet. You may be surprised what he can achieve when you stop “fixing” things for him.

Emmia

itsthelittlethings said:

Do not pay for the roof to be fixed. You have done an absolutely wonderful and kind thing by buying him a flat and saving him from homelessness. I used to work in homelessness and it is a terrible thing. If he was in hostel accommodation and addicted to drugs he might have ended up back on the streets easily. 

If you pay for the roof to be fixed you are further enabling him and impoverishing yourself. It’s time for him to be a big boy and stand in his own two feet. You may be surprised what he can achieve when you stop “fixing” things for him.

The OP is the owner of the flat her son is living in. As a leaseholder (presumably) they are legally responsible for their share of the repairs to the building including the roof. The OP has no choice but to pay for the roof to be fixed. 

As a landlord, they need to take steps to evict their son, and can then sell the flat. Unfortunately this isn't easy as I expect the OP feels guilty or blames themselves for the son's drug problem. It is likely that the son will end up on the streets as a result, and I can see why the OP is reluctant... It will be incredibly hard emotionally to do this, which I think shows how much they love and care for their son despite this awful situation.

GrubbyGirl_2

I had a friend in the same situation as you except he was living in their annexe.  It was impacting their other son's life so in the end they threw him out.  It was hard but he wasn't interested in helping himself.  As it turned out it was the best thing as over 6 months he really hit rock bottom and realised he had to do something.  He is now getting his life back, and they are getting their son back.

This is really hard for you but by providing a roof over his head for free you're facilitating his abuse and making it easy for him.  People who threaten suicide don't kill themselves they use it as a blackmail tool.  It is far more likely the drugs will kill him and I'm sorry to say, you're helping him.  He has to want to help himself and he has no motivation to do that while you're making life easy for him.  Time to evict him and get your flat back

gwynlas

Does he have anyone that he listens to?
You say that he holds down a job so you have done him some good but he is an adult and adults sometimes make bad choices.
If you own the flat then yes you need to pay your share of repairs regardless of whether he is paying rent.
Whislst the situation might suggest that tough love and eviction would be the sensible route to take I do not believe that you could do that.
Unfortuneatly short of asking that the unemployed girlfriend pull her weight by maintaining her rent free home whilst he is working I have no solid advice.

itsthelittlethings

Emmia said:

itsthelittlethings said:

Do not pay for the roof to be fixed. You have done an absolutely wonderful and kind thing by buying him a flat and saving him from homelessness. I used to work in homelessness and it is a terrible thing. If he was in hostel accommodation and addicted to drugs he might have ended up back on the streets easily. 

If you pay for the roof to be fixed you are further enabling him and impoverishing yourself. It’s time for him to be a big boy and stand in his own two feet. You may be surprised what he can achieve when you stop “fixing” things for him.

The OP is the owner of the flat her son is living in. As a leaseholder (presumably) they are legally responsible for their share of the repairs to the building including the roof. The OP has no choice but to pay for the roof to be fixed. 

As a landlord, they need to take steps to evict their son, and can then sell the flat. Unfortunately this isn't easy as I expect the OP feels guilty or blames themselves for the son's drug problem. It is likely that the son will end up on the streets as a result, and I can see why the OP is reluctant... It will be incredibly hard emotionally to do this, which I think shows how much they love and care for their son despite this awful situation.

Don't be ridiculous. You have no responsibilities as a leaseholder. It's a contract. If you fail to pay the charges you may eventually forfeit your property and get back some of the money you paid for it. I don't see that she is legally over a barrel to pay this money.

itsthelittlethings

If he holds down a job he can get a long term loan to pay for the roof with the added plus that he will not have so much money for drugs.