How do you "let go" of your working life?

Kismet_Hardy

Marcon said:

Read your own post. Sometime typing out the question accidentally provides the answer! A lot of your concern seems to be focused on money worries and whether or not you actually have any. Maybe getting that straight in your own mind is your first step to freedom?

Ouch! Yes, you are spot on.

Both my husband and I, both before we met and when together, have experienced hard times. I was briefly homeless and dependant on the help of others twice in my 20s. We have a financial adviser who has been through the figures on numerous occasions to show that we are fine - more than fine. And yet, I am still afraid. 

I need to deal with that fear, don't I?   

jim1999

Kismet_Hardy said:

Marcon said:

Read your own post. Sometime typing out the question accidentally provides the answer! A lot of your concern seems to be focused on money worries and whether or not you actually have any. Maybe getting that straight in your own mind is your first step to freedom?

Ouch! Yes, you are spot on.

Both my husband and I, both before we met and when together, have experienced hard times. I was briefly homeless and dependant on the help of others twice in my 20s. We have a financial adviser who has been through the figures on numerous occasions to show that we are fine - more than fine. And yet, I am still afraid. 

I need to deal with that fear, don't I?   

I think so.  This is where things like targeted therapy can be useful - you're talking about fears and simultaneously that you have evidence that your fears are unfounded.

Sometimes if you've grown up in a scarcity mindset it can be very anxiety-inducing to think about cutting off an income stream - I'm sure people have told you in the past that you should grab onto every opportunity and ride it for as long as you can, and now you're contemplating doing the opposite.

I think there's another challenge in that for decades you can identify as a parent, as a breadwinner, as someone whose job it is to pay bills and save for retirement.  When you're suddenly confronted with the potential to stop doing that (bear in mind that in years past people wouldn't get to choose, they'd just be told that they'd reached pension age and that was it), sometimes the easiest decision is just to make no changes and keep going.

However, if the stress is affecting you and the indecision is affecting your spouse, then actually making no changes is riskier than it might feel.

ali_bear

Two things. Three actually. 

1) You are not indispensible at work. You may think you are, but you are wrong, because nobody is. 

2) Your kids need to learn to fend for themselves. It may sound tough, but you can be overprotective. 

3) The only thing that matters is you. What do you really want, what will make you happy. 

Cobbler_tone

I'm in a slightly different position but must have exactly the same thoughts, which must be VERY common.
My partner retires next year at 54, she has never had children and figures she deserves it. She has always been independent and shows the financial impact of not having kids! 
I'll be 57 and there is no pressure on me to finish but I could do. My partner would like a side kick but I know she will fill her days with yoga, charity work and loves the garden. After 30+ years with one company, I don't love it, I don't hate it and there is pretty much zero stress and good pay. The worst thing is the two hour round trip three times a week. I could potentially go to a three day week and make just two trips. I haven't ruled that out.
I don't have a busy social life, nor hobbies (I made cool recycled lamps during lockdown) but do have a new dog and we enjoy our three walks a day. Life seems to have revolved around my children (now older, don't live with me and away at uni) and work. I am very much the product of my father and just like a nice, simple life. We always say that we want 'peace'. Any itches around travel abroad etc have been scratched. I struggle with back issues and have one eye very much on what my mobility will be like in even 10 years time....if I get there!

I probably should retire next year with, or shortly after, my partner. I probably will but at the same time I could easily work to 60, health permitting, plus I would give my private heathcare up which I've accessed to £6k this year. Currently it is my back issues which are pushing me to finish and I can then focus on pilates, the right exercise etc. Whilst the loss of a significant double salary will fall away, I am confident in our financial position so don't think that is playing too hard on my mind....but you can always do 'one more year.'
I was hoping for a six figure redundancy but always said that I'm not going to hang around on the off chance. I've been surrounded by them for 30 years but always been to the right/left of me.
One thing that none of us ever get is more time. So unless you really enjoy the work you do, why do it for longer than you have to?
Your family sound supportive and no pressure from that perspective. Good luck!

Phossy

When I read your post all I really see is the mention of good money coming in - that seems to be your purpose/ drive. Perhaps sit down and really go through what income you'd have if you just stopped working and put some thought into how you might like to spend that money/ how much income you really need. 

Kismet_Hardy

jim1999 said:

Kismet_Hardy said:

Marcon said:

Read your own post. Sometime typing out the question accidentally provides the answer! A lot of your concern seems to be focused on money worries and whether or not you actually have any. Maybe getting that straight in your own mind is your first step to freedom?

Ouch! Yes, you are spot on.

Both my husband and I, both before we met and when together, have experienced hard times. I was briefly homeless and dependant on the help of others twice in my 20s. We have a financial adviser who has been through the figures on numerous occasions to show that we are fine - more than fine. And yet, I am still afraid. 

I need to deal with that fear, don't I?   

I think so.  This is where things like targeted therapy can be useful - you're talking about fears and simultaneously that you have evidence that your fears are unfounded.

Sometimes if you've grown up in a scarcity mindset it can be very anxiety-inducing to think about cutting off an income stream - I'm sure people have told you in the past that you should grab onto every opportunity and ride it for as long as you can, and now you're contemplating doing the opposite.

I think there's another challenge in that for decades you can identify as a parent, as a breadwinner, as someone whose job it is to pay bills and save for retirement.  When you're suddenly confronted with the potential to stop doing that (bear in mind that in years past people wouldn't get to choose, they'd just be told that they'd reached pension age and that was it), sometimes the easiest decision is just to make no changes and keep going.

However, if the stress is affecting you and the indecision is affecting your spouse, then actually making no changes is riskier than it might feel.

Thank you. I feel that this is really getting to the heart of it. The point about cutting off the income stream is that to others, it may seem idiotic. Others might suggest doing a couple of days a month. But they probably wouldn't understand how quickly you would lose knowledge and ability at that level. I have thought about taking 6 months off and see where I am with it then, but I do have an almost overwhelming urge to clear out my office at the moment!

The kids are a big part of my worry. I graduated and was on my own. Last night, my mum reminded me that I made my own way and that I should leave them to do the same. We have enough to help them but not enough to hand over sufficient to get them all on the housing ladder - at least not at the moment. Anything mum leaves me, will be passed directly to them.  

Stress is a big consideration. I have always pushed myself out of my comfort zone and it has served me well. But I do feel that the last decade or so of my life has been quite stressful (sometimes extremely so). I would like to sleep easy and wake up without thinking about work.  

Kismet_Hardy

ali_bear said:

Two things. Three actually. 

1) You are not indispensible at work. You may think you are, but you are wrong, because nobody is. 

2) Your kids need to learn to fend for themselves. It may sound tough, but you can be overprotective. 

3) The only thing that matters is you. What do you really want, what will make you happy. 

The older I get, the more appreciation I have about precisely how little employers think about you, so that truly isn't a consideration for me. 

I wouldn't say we have spoiled our kids, but they certainly have much more of a protective blanket than I did when I was young (with the exception of love - I always had that from my parents). The two that are living with us do not have partners and, due to the ridiculous costs of buying or renting where we live, have no reasonable chance of moving out for the time being. This is my main concern and I think it is becoming a major concern amongst my peers (although most of my friends have older children who left when times were easier).   

I think I am gradually coming to the conclusion that I want to stop - so thank you.

Kismet_Hardy

Cobbler_tone said:

I'm in a slightly different position but must have exactly the same thoughts, which must be VERY common.
My partner retires next year at 54, she has never had children and figures she deserves it. She has always been independent and shows the financial impact of not having kids! 
I'll be 57 and there is no pressure on me to finish but I could do. My partner would like a side kick but I know she will fill her days with yoga, charity work and loves the garden. After 30+ years with one company, I don't love it, I don't hate it and there is pretty much zero stress and good pay. The worst thing is the two hour round trip three times a week. I could potentially go to a three day week and make just two trips. I haven't ruled that out.
I don't have a busy social life, nor hobbies (I made cool recycled lamps during lockdown) but do have a new dog and we enjoy our three walks a day. Life seems to have revolved around my children (now older, don't live with me and away at uni) and work. I am very much the product of my father and just like a nice, simple life. We always say that we want 'peace'. Any itches around travel abroad etc have been scratched. I struggle with back issues and have one eye very much on what my mobility will be like in even 10 years time....if I get there!

I probably should retire next year with, or shortly after, my partner. I probably will but at the same time I could easily work to 60, health permitting, plus I would give my private heathcare up which I've accessed to £6k this year. Currently it is my back issues which are pushing me to finish and I can then focus on pilates, the right exercise etc. Whilst the loss of a significant double salary will fall away, I am confident in our financial position so don't think that is playing too hard on my mind....but you can always do 'one more year.'
I was hoping for a six figure redundancy but always said that I'm not going to hang around on the off chance. I've been surrounded by them for 30 years but always been to the right/left of me.
One thing that none of us ever get is more time. So unless you really enjoy the work you do, why do it for longer than you have to?
Your family sound supportive and no pressure from that perspective. Good luck!

I suspect it is very common. 

Commuting is a killer. I would probably have stopped if I needed to hop on the train on a work day. 

I think health issues are a really big point for you to consider and, in your position, I would probably retire asap. Time is one thing, but quality of life is important too. It would be awful to have ill health cast a cloud on most of your retirement. 

I wish you well.  

Kismet_Hardy

Phossy said:

When I read your post all I really see is the mention of good money coming in - that seems to be your purpose/ drive. Perhaps sit down and really go through what income you'd have if you just stopped working and put some thought into how you might like to spend that money/ how much income you really need. 

I think the issue with the level of earnings is that if it wasn't so good, I probably would have stopped by now. Although I do get some other benefits from working, the balance would have tipped the other way.

It is the value of just a few days a month which makes me feel I would be acting selfishly if I stopped. I have always paid my own way in life. I had a couple of years off with my first child, but I had savings to contribute. Even then, I felt vulnerable relying on my husband. With the others, I went back to work very quickly, although part time and in a way which meant that I was around for them.  

To be clear, my husband is not making me feel guilty about anything here. He wants me to do what I want to do (but just make my mind up). Our money is joint money and, in any event, I have decent pensions. 

Gosh, I'm being more open and honest here than I had intended to be, but it is helping. Thank you.      

born_again

Kismet_Hardy said:

Marcon said:

Read your own post. Sometime typing out the question accidentally provides the answer! A lot of your concern seems to be focused on money worries and whether or not you actually have any. Maybe getting that straight in your own mind is your first step to freedom?

Ouch! Yes, you are spot on.

Both my husband and I, both before we met and when together, have experienced hard times. I was briefly homeless and dependant on the help of others twice in my 20s. We have a financial adviser who has been through the figures on numerous occasions to show that we are fine - more than fine. And yet, I am still afraid. 

I need to deal with that fear, don't I?   

Retire & enjoy life to the full while you are fit a healthy.

You will find your day is full & wonder how you found time to work.