14 months to go!

in_need_of_direction

Try not to lose the enjoyment from the day by feeling guilty. See what you’ve learnt and start what you need to do by searching down backs of actual and virtual sofas.  Even 2ps eventually mount up.

honeybee1234

I mean you're right @in_need_of_direction, it was a lovely day, and the way forward for me is to work out how to allocate funds for the next time I get an unexpected visit! 

Today has been a day of Getting Things Done. I've been at home, ticking things off my to do list this morning, feeling a bit more organised and then relaxing and decompressing from yesterday. I've spent a big chunk of time curled up on the sofa in the living room, with my online banking and my notebook and pen, fan blasting me as it's sooooooo hot, assessing my current situation and playing about with snowball calculations.

CURRENT TOTALS AS OF AUGUST 25

M&S 200.00 (0%.ends Oct. 25)

Nationwide 435.19 (0% ends Oct. 25)

Capital One 1027.49 (0% ends Jan. 26)

Virgin 1391.86 (0% ends May 26)

I'm due around 44.00 from the ex towards DS2's school uniform which will get paid onto the M&S card, and am awaiting a refund for x2 pairs of school shoes that didn't fit totalling 74.98 which will get paid back onto the Nationwide card.

Tomorrow I'm adjusting the budget as something needs to change. I'm repeatedly going over budget and I'm going to work out where the problems lie by going through my banking over the last couple of months so we shall see! 

honeybee1234

It's been a fairly quiet few days since I last posted. This is how the cycle of my mental health happens, if I have any obligations or have to go out, I then need a few days to decompress. Next week is going to be stressful as DS1 will be going to get his GCSE results and enrolling at college so I'm psyching myself up for it but will need to hibernate afterwards. It's debilitating but it is how it is so I deal with it. 

Did a very small shop at Li*l yesterday for a few fresh bits, milk, kefir yogurt, onions. Used my free vegetable coupon to pick up a 7.5kg bag of potatoes, which I broke into later on to make mash to go with some Ikea veggie meatballs, meatball sauce and peas from the freezer for tea. Also picked up x4 packs of YS (are they yellow at Li*l? I can't remember!) wholemeal rolls and x3 have gone into the freezer for future lunches. Got a free bakery doughnut which was nice. Spent a little over £13 and am now at zero with still another full grocery week before the end of the month 😱 This will require dipping into the surplus in my current account which I'm not happy about but this is literally the price for going over budget.

After getting home, I spent some time in the garden, mowed the lawn, watered the plants and sat reading my book. I've just started The Book of Joy, it's a great read about the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu getting together and their collaborative thoughts about how to experience joy in your life. I've been immersed in some very intense PTSD symptoms for years now and it's been incredibly hard to see a way forward so I do like to consider being happy and joyful somewhat logically and mechanically and consider the 'ingredients' of how I feel joy. Let's say it's a work in progress right now! 

Later I went over the finances and made a small overpayment to the M&S card of 1.65 which has brought it under the 200.00 mark which I'm super pleased with! To enable me to keep to the 1 month early zero balance date for the M&S card, I've decided to bump up my regular overpayment to M&S of 171.91 to whatever the outstanding balance is pending any more overpayments before the end of the month. It's currently standing at 198.35 and I have a small overpayment to add later from a (very!) small Lottery win which will bring it down further. 

I'm so pleased at the prospect of being able to cross my first card off! 

Sarahwithlove

It's important to get a good balance between budgeting for every eventuality and paying down debts. It sounds like you need to tweak your budget some more to allow for increased food costs and food out with the kids. 

I would recommend having a month of paying less towards the debt and seeing if you can manage within that budget. As ideally you want to get rid of the physical credit cards so you aren't ever tempted to use them again. 

honeybee1234

I'm having a summery blip in my financials 😭

I'm out of grocery funds, we aren't having a holiday this year and the other day I put around 150.00 on my Capital One card after me and my adult DC went shopping for university supplies. They've made a relatively last minute application for university which is a great path for them, though it's going to be a hard slog financially as they'll only get the minimum maintenance loan which doesn't even cover their rent this coming year!

I'm helping them with all the arrangements and feeling really stressed as I obviously want to help with rent but I'm very limited in what I can contribute. They were assessed on my ex's income who is reluctant to provide much support and so in turn DC is HUGELY stressed which is taking away from what should be a wonderful experience.

I had planned for the shopping trip, which in itself was very enjoyable to spend time with DC, walking round the shops looking for things on their list, chatting and catching up. The totals hit me hard at the till despite DC getting 10% off at Dunelm with their student discount.

So now I'm in a spiral of how things should be so much more organised for me financially with me being in my 40s and having a grown up child, that I haven't progressed financially since my 20s, I feel really down about myself and that I've not got to where I want to be.

I'm throwing this all around and trying to see through to take what I need to improve to help make things better but it's hard atm 😞

Sarahwithlove

Is there any way for them to not be assessed on ex income if hes not providing any support? Uni is a good decision, are they going to look at getting a job? I take it no way for them to commute from home? 

honeybee1234

Sarahwithlove said:

Is there any way for them to not be assessed on ex income if hes not providing any support? Uni is a good decision, are they going to look at getting a job? I take it no way for them to commute from home? 

@Sarahwithlove I've looked into it and unfortunately I can't find any grounds to change it. DC can't be classed as independent under the SFE criteria so it is what it is sadly. They've already lined up a job interview and have been working since they were 16 in part-time jobs around education so that's going to be a great help.

Commuting is out of the question due to the time/distance, but also that one of the motivating factors for university for them is they don't want to live at home anymore. The relationship between them and my ex is really one of my ex provides a nice home for them, but the area is a quiet town with not much happening, though mainly it's that their relationship is not good. DC wants out, and university is their route. It's a good progression from what they were studying, and will provide prospects so it serves both purposes. I'd have them to live here but I just don't have the room.

I've been helping with working out how much they need to source on the payment schedule for their accommodation which is very wonky - the payments are at irregular intervals and are almost double for the first couple, then drop by about 400.00 up to Christmas, then half for the rest of the year and I can't work out the logic!

I'll help out where I can which will likely not be much but I'll have a think and see what I can fit into my budget. 

ShyAndRetiring

honeybee1234 said:

Now I'm dealing with residual guilt 😞 I have approximately £50 extra on the M&S card, which was due to be cleared on September 1st but is now just over by about £31, which unless I make any extra overpayments, will now be cleared October 1st.

This is an issue I need to address as it repeats itself - any kind of celebratory circumstance, I feel compelled to splash out. In the past, it's been going out for a meal, I've reduced it but it's still there. It's cemented in guilt, partly for money always being a struggle when the kids were younger, and partly because me and the ex divorced and not being able to be with them as much as I'd like. In 'normal' real life, I'd never pay 4.50 for a smoothie but somehow I'm out with the kids and it seems like a great idea? 

I did start a 'kids' pot for situations such as this, but I can't seem to get on top of it to get enough money in it before it gets depleted!

I need to overhaul everything... I need to anticipate situations like this and be prepared because it will arise again and I want to know what I want to do when it happens - and I need to look at my budget more generally because I've really gone in hard with overpaying, and barely given myself any extra to do anything at all fun with, which I'm guessing is also a factor! 

Hello 😊

Just delurking to say sorry to hear this and please don’t feel bad, you’re spending quality time (as much as £££) with all of your kids together and that’s invaluable (they’ll be grown and gone far to quickly, then it’s almost always impossible to get them all together without it being inconvenient for one of them)!

An idea for that overhaul … I did notice that you do Prolific surveys. Not sure if you’ve already allocated those funds, but is it worth using Prolific money as treat money? When I cash my Prolific out I send it straight into a Starling ‘space’ and it soon builds up (mine is for Xmas gift spends but in theory you could be saving for anything, it’s just a way of putting it by). Then, even if you’re all together unexpectedly and you use your CC or debit card to pay for treats, you have the £££ put by to pay it back quickly? Of course you may already have a purpose with your Prolific, but if not, it might be an option? 

Cheering you on from the sidelines, S&R x

honeybee1234

Hi @ShyAndRetiring, you're the second person to say similar on here!

I've just been sat with my notebook and pen for the second day running, playing about with my budget, pots, and thinking about DC going to university, DS1 needing a bus pass for college, and the remainder of the summer holidays. My sister is away on holiday currently and I've been looking at the photos she's sent and feeling simultaneously pleased for her, and a decent amount of envy 😔

You see, I've had the realisation after reading your post that I've been so hellbent on the idea of being debt-free and how my life will immediately be 100% more improved, that I've forgotten that it's okay to actually live a life in the meantime! The other day I was in town with DS1 just me and him, and we were waiting for an appointment that had been delayed so we went to the coffee shop we visited with DC a few days ago. I bought him a drink and a slice of cake, and he sat and chatted away to me.

DS1 is notoriously monosyllabic. He is a lovely teenaged human being but quite often talking seems like a huge effort so to have this time where he spoke more than he has done in aaaaages... well I couldn't believe it 😯

We were talking about my sister going on holiday, and he was saying how he'd like to go to a few places. And earlier I was looking up airfares to said places (think European city break-type places) and was taken aback at how cheap they were, relatively speaking. It's definitely something I could save up for for next year, and still overpay.

And I'm realising how in going in so heavily, I've been punishing myself somewhat - like I shouldn't be allowed to enjoy anything because I've gotten myself in debt - but because of this I've unintentionally been restricting our family life as well.

I don't mean my children should be insanely spoilt, but rather I want them to be exposed to as many wonderful things in the world as I can facilitate. And when I'm at the point where I feel every interaction outside of the house has to be superly efficient timewise and purely functional... I've gone wrong somewhere haven't I? 

joedenise

It's fine having a holiday when you've got debt as long as you save up for it and don't add to your debt which you would if you used a credit card.  Having said that it's worth putting the deposit on a credit card for the protection it gives but make sure you pay it off in full.