Arranging Two Separate Funerals Under Contention

freshfishbuyer

I have a half-brother who I no longer speak with. We share a mother, neither of us have fathers in our lives. Our mother is (separately) involved heavily in our lives, including with our respective children. Our mother is still alive, but I am asking this question about her funeral(s) should I need to be prepared.

Given concerns over my brother's behaviour, I do not want him present at what what would be my and my children's funeral to remember my mother/their grandmother. For this reason, I wish to have a separate funeral, which I would arrange and pay for. My brother could then separately make his own arrangements for his separate funeral.

However, I expect my brother would oppose such a move, insisting on one funeral only. I further expect he would block possession of our mother's remains, preventing me from (temporarily) taking our mother's remains for a separate funeral.

Logistically, my brother is likely to be physically present with our mother's remains after her passing before I could be. He lives roughly one mile from her whereas I live on the other side of the country, approximately 200 miles away. He is also the older brother, though I do not know if that matters.

If my brother were to oppose two separate funerals, does anyone know of any steps I could take to try and have this separate funeral?

Brie

The easiest solution to my mind is to let him go ahead and have a funeral and you go ahead and have a memorial service or simply a memorial party aka wake.  

We have no such split in our family but knew that when our mom died last December that there was no way that we could organise anything we would all be happy with and that family members could attend so close to Christmas.  So mom was cremated without any ceremony and we're having a big party with the whole family next month when it would have been her birthday.   Not in the UK so this isn't quite as odd as it might seem, in fact we did something similar for our dad over 20 years back.  

BridgetTheCat

freshfishbuyer said:

I have a half-brother who I no longer speak with. We share a mother, neither of us have fathers in our lives. Our mother is (separately) involved heavily in our lives, including with our respective children. Our mother is still alive, but I am asking this question about her funeral(s) should I need to be prepared.

Given concerns over my brother's behaviour, I do not want him present at what what would be my and my children's funeral to remember my mother/their grandmother. For this reason, I wish to have a separate funeral, which I would arrange and pay for. My brother could then separately make his own arrangements for his separate funeral.

However, I expect my brother would oppose such a move, insisting on one funeral only. I further expect he would block possession of our mother's remains, preventing me from (temporarily) taking our mother's remains for a separate funeral.

Logistically, my brother is likely to be physically present with our mother's remains after her passing before I could be. He lives roughly one mile from her whereas I live on the other side of the country, approximately 200 miles away. He is also the older brother, though I do not know if that matters.

If my brother were to oppose two separate funerals, does anyone know of any steps I could take to try and have this separate funeral?

What does your mother want? I’d have thought honouring her wishes would be paramount.

p00hsticks

Do you think your mother would welcome the idea of two separate funerals ? 
Have you asked her what she wants to happen in terms of the service / arrangements etc ?

In every funeral I've been to the deceased has been buried or cremated at the end of the service, so I don't think that two funerals with the body present at each would be doable - as Brie says, pehaps think in terms of holding a memorial service or happening of your own at the same time or afterwards.  

Cairnpapple

If you have an idea of a person who you would wish to conduct your funeral (e.g. celebrant or priest) it may be worth talking to them in advance about what is possible. Though I do agree with the above that it may be most straightforward for you to plan a memorial without remains, especially as you are the one who is not local. I'm sure any celebrant/ clergy would work with you to create something that would still be meaningful.

However, are you sure that your mother has not already made her own funeral arrangements? I don't know how old she is but it's not uncommon in the 80+ cohort.

MikeyPGT

If your mum is agreeable, sign up to a 'no fuss cremation' with no family present then split the ashes and you and your half brother can both have a service with your mother's remains ...

marcia_

 I've just buried my dad when there was a lot of bad blood, arguments and tension between the kids, including me. We all just bit our tongue for the day and held the funeral as that's what dad wanted and it would be disrespectful to do anything but. 

LightFlare

BridgetTheCat said:

freshfishbuyer said:

I have a half-brother who I no longer speak with. We share a mother, neither of us have fathers in our lives. Our mother is (separately) involved heavily in our lives, including with our respective children. Our mother is still alive, but I am asking this question about her funeral(s) should I need to be prepared.

Given concerns over my brother's behaviour, I do not want him present at what what would be my and my children's funeral to remember my mother/their grandmother. For this reason, I wish to have a separate funeral, which I would arrange and pay for. My brother could then separately make his own arrangements for his separate funeral.

However, I expect my brother would oppose such a move, insisting on one funeral only. I further expect he would block possession of our mother's remains, preventing me from (temporarily) taking our mother's remains for a separate funeral.

Logistically, my brother is likely to be physically present with our mother's remains after her passing before I could be. He lives roughly one mile from her whereas I live on the other side of the country, approximately 200 miles away. He is also the older brother, though I do not know if that matters.

If my brother were to oppose two separate funerals, does anyone know of any steps I could take to try and have this separate funeral?

What does your mother want? I’d have thought honouring her wishes would be paramount.

^^^This

My mother has already made clear what she wants - even down to coffin colour and fittings.

My older sisters overrode my thoughts,suggestions and feelings for my fathers funeral and mum saw how badly that affected the family dynamic afterwards (as In we rarely speak now)

gwynlas

With simple cremation these days many people have a memorial/celebration of life event at a later date.

If your mother is to be buried and your brother goes ahead with that then you could find a celebrant who would offer a prayer at the grave and you could lay a wreath.

If you and your family do not want to return to yor mothers hometown there is nothing to stop you sponsoring a tree or shrub in her memory that could be planted in a place of your choosing, maybe a rose in your own garden

Spendless

freshfishbuyer said:

I have a half-brother who I no longer speak with. We share a mother, neither of us have fathers in our lives. Our mother is (separately) involved heavily in our lives, including with our respective children. Our mother is still alive, but I am asking this question about her funeral(s) should I need to be prepared.

Given concerns over my brother's behaviour, I do not want him present at what what would be my and my children's funeral to remember my mother/their grandmother. For this reason, I wish to have a separate funeral, which I would arrange and pay for. My brother could then separately make his own arrangements for his separate funeral.

However, I expect my brother would oppose such a move, insisting on one funeral only. I further expect he would block possession of our mother's remains, preventing me from (temporarily) taking our mother's remains for a separate funeral.

Logistically, my brother is likely to be physically present with our mother's remains after her passing before I could be. He lives roughly one mile from her whereas I live on the other side of the country, approximately 200 miles away. He is also the older brother, though I do not know if that matters.

If my brother were to oppose two separate funerals, does anyone know of any steps I could take to try and have this separate funeral?

But it's not yours and your children's funeral. It's your Mums and what she wishes should come into this as others have already said. I get family estrangements, my sister is not on speaking terms with any of our family. How is this going to logistically work, what about the other relatives would you be expecting them to decide whether to attend funeral 1, funeral 2 or both?   If this was being proposed to me I'd either expect my grown up children to show some respect and keep things polite if friendly was too much to ask or if that wasn't going to be achievable then I'd be going for a direct cremation and no-one would be attending. 

freshfishbuyer

Thank you all so much for the responses, I appreciate you taking the time.

I should have mentioned in my original post that I have discussed this with my mother. To cut a long story short, she has said that two separate ceremonies is her preference (given the situation), as she wants the funeral(s) to be about (each of us) remembering her life, not discord. My mother still has contact with us both, but accepts that reconciliation will not occur. I have discussed wishes for the funeral and elements my mother wishes there to be, particularly things around precious memories of her with myself, and with my children. I believe she also has similar elements, relevant to her and my brother/his children, that she also wishes to happen in a proceeding.

The issue is that my brother will not accept this. Our mother's wishes will be of no concern to him. He will see it as a point of pride that there is one ceremony only, under his control, containing only the elements he wants. Our mother's wishes will neither affect nor constrain my brother's actions.

A further concern is that, as I understand it, the cold hard truth is that once passed away, my mother will have no control over what happens. I have wondered if anything could be done in terms of my mother writing her wishes for her funeral(s) in a will, and that being enforceable in some way. However, from what research I've done, it seems that even a will would be considered a "suggestion" and not enforceable in any way.

 

Thank you all for responses covering options, I greatly appreciate it.