Tight-Fisted in law

Sharne15

I have a close family and we tend to go away for weekends away with my daughter and son in law who always invites his 78 year old mum (which is fine I don't have a problem with) However, My husband and I have noticed she is reluctant to pay for anything or even contribute to any of the meals that we have whilst there. 

Now this lady has more money than any of us, but I feel like she is taking advantage of my daughter and her husband's generosity.

We always pay our way and contribute to the price of the accommodation, and we always take breakfast items, snacks, wine, etc, and she will sit there and eat, drink what we've brought but never takes a thing. Her son once had a word with her and asked her to pay her way but she has chosen to ignore him.

I am now becoming increasingly annoyed as she is a tight-fisted, greedy person who just expects everything to be given to her.

I can't approach this issue with my daughter and son-in-law, as I don't want to cause an argument, because he cleary loves his mum, but this is really starting to annoy me and my husband, as we feel it's not fair that she gets away without contributing anything, and why should we have that extra cost when we budget our money to have little weekends away. 

I have tried putting hints on our WhatsApp group asking how much they want for our share, but she never takes the hint.

We could decline going away with them, but why should we miss out on our family time because of her?

Has anyone got any ideas on what we can do to make her cough up, as we are becoming increasingly resentful of her, especially as we know she can afford it. TIA xx

DullGreyGuy

Maybe you've worked out how she's managed to accumulate more wealth than you?

Does she have any other kids or is he her only son?

Sounds like there are 5 of you going... so what percentage are you paying? 2/5ths? 1/3? If you are paying 2/5ths as two of the 5 people travelling or 1/3 as one of the three rooms that sounds fair and not that you are overpaying. Maybe a reasonable conversation with your daughter may shed light on the different approaches. 

Are you resentful for her not paying or of your daughter/son for not also paying for you?

Everyone is different, how families work are different, some people know each other well and others really dont. Time spent with my mother is more expensive, she contributes more in absolute terms but not enough to offset her like of nice hotels and restaurants. The MiL rarely contributes at the time but at the end of a visit gives the wife cash.  

We dont expect or want contribution from either but they want to so we let them. One pays out more but still costs us more overall. We dont compare/contrast them

silvercar

Maybe she is of the generation where women don't pay!

You need to discuss all this in advance, so everyone is clear on expectations.

Or you could, in a joking voice, say to the son-in-law's mum, "we should treat the kids between us, to save inheritance tax".

tacpot12

I don't think there is a guaranteed ay to make her cough up. You might achieve some shift using humour, but you are as likely to offence either her or your son-in-law, who you clearly care for. 

I think you need to consider whether seeing someone getting a free ride at your expense is something you are prepared to fall out with your daughter and son-in-law over or not. You seem to have been resenting this for a while, so it might worth thinking about the causes of your feelings to get a good handle on how significant an issue this really is. 

Sharne15

Her late husband left her quite well off when he died. We like to pay our way and never expect our daughter or hubby to pay for us, even though they offer, we always decline. Yes, I am resentful of her as she is taking advantage of their kind nature and ours. Initially, we didn't mind buying extra food, paying for meals, etc, but when she just expects it this is what annoys me.

DullGreyGuy

Sharne15 said:

Her late husband left her quite well off when he died. We like to pay our way and never expect our daughter or hubby to pay for us, even though they offer, we always decline. Yes, I am resentful of her as she is taking advantage of their kind nature and ours. Initially, we didn't mind buying extra food, paying for meals, etc, but when she just expects it this is what annoys me.

So at least in part you have made your own cross as you've insisted in paying when your daughter was willing to pay for parents on both sides?

Newly_retired

If you are paying 2/5 then it is your daughter and son-in-law’s problem and up to them how they deal with it. But if you and they are taking it in turns to pay for meals, food shops and other incidentals, you are effectively subsidising her. Maybe before the holiday ends it is time to talk about the next one, maybe stating how much it is going to cost each person, not just split the costs between the two couples.

badmemory

The best thing I can suggest is that you stop thinking about it & look at it from another perspective.  The more of her money she conserves the greater the amount your SIL will inherit.  And learn to laugh about it.  I doubt she will change & too much fuss will embarass your SIL.  When I first read this I just thought of my mother.  After my father died she always claimed poverty, so whenever my sister & I took her out we always paid.  The poverty wasn't the truth but it was how she felt & maybe that is how she feels.  It was all about the bereavement.

FlorayG

I think this comes down to can you easily afford the extra expense or does it leave you short?
If the former, forget it, pay for her, her son enjoys having her there and everyone is different. A lot of older people who spent their lives being looked after by their partner have no idea about finances and keep what money they have 'just in case' and feel that's reasonable.
If the latter, try telling the family you're going to have to book a much cheaper holiday this time, fewer meals out, less spending. If she asks why you can tell her money is tight and you can't afford to pay for everyone at a more expensive resort. If she says nothing and goes along happily you've at least saved a lot of the money she previously cost you

Pollycat

Sharne15 said:

I have a close family and we tend to go away for weekends away with my daughter and son in law who always invites his 78 year old mum (which is fine I don't have a problem with) However, My husband and I have noticed she is reluctant to pay for anything or even contribute to any of the meals that we have whilst there. 

Now this lady has more money than any of us, but I feel like she is taking advantage of my daughter and her husband's generosity.

We always pay our way and contribute to the price of the accommodation, and we always take breakfast items, snacks, wine, etc, and she will sit there and eat, drink what we've brought but never takes a thing. Her son once had a word with her and asked her to pay her way but she has chosen to ignore him.

I am now becoming increasingly annoyed as she is a tight-fisted, greedy person who just expects everything to be given to her.

I can't approach this issue with my daughter and son-in-law, as I don't want to cause an argument, because he cleary loves his mum, but this is really starting to annoy me and my husband, as we feel it's not fair that she gets away without contributing anything, and why should we have that extra cost when we budget our money to have little weekends away. 

I have tried putting hints on our WhatsApp group asking how much they want for our share, but she never takes the hint.

We could decline going away with them, but why should we miss out on our family time because of her?

Has anyone got any ideas on what we can do to make her cough up, as we are becoming increasingly resentful of her, especially as we know she can afford it. TIA xx

Does she contribute to the cost of the accommodation?
If she does, you could try not taking any extras next time and suggest a kitty (2/5th for you and 1/5 for her) to buy anything that's needed and to pay for meals.

I really do think you should talk to your daughter about this as it is clearly annoying you more and more and it might just blow up next time you're away, blow up into something irreparable.

pollypenny

Being 'an older person' is no excuse. She's either sponging or simplty thoughtless. 

Maybe while the next trip is being planned you could light-heartedly ask her what she is intending to bring so that you don't duplicate.