Teetering on the brink

EatingBeans

Normality has been restored. dd1 apologised for taking all of her stress out on me, acknowledging that she wasn’t considering just how exhausted I am and appreciating me still taking her out. 

I am taking a rest day from driving today and we will start again tomorrow.

Work is a killer and I am only doing 75% fte atm. Next week I am back full time. 😩 

What is curious is as well as being really tired, my Trigeminal neuralgia is also coming back. Perhaps stress really is a trigger and I have just never realised before? 🤔 Either way, I cannot start the tablets again or I’ll be back off work again. Seems my choice is work in pain or take tablets, not be able to work, and then stress over losing my job. Just doesn’t seem fair!

The good news is, despite not having sorted my budget yet, I do know I must be doing better this week as I have only spent ~£35 on food, and I have simply not spent anything else. Despite feeling so tired I’ve still had no takeaways. 

This weekend is budget reset time. Now all the July birthday buying is past I get to see where I am currently at. It ‘should’ be a bit more stable for the next few months so I should hopefully be able to make progress in the right direction. 🤞

Cherryfudge

Good to hear you are reconciled.  

Can you request an extension of the phased return?

badmemory

Hopefully not spending on takeaways should help reduce your stress & give you a little less to worry about.

I am inclined to agree with you about TN being stress related.  I have a family member who has it & it seemed to start when she had a serious back problem involving the need for an op on her spinal column which if it went slightly wrong could leave her unable to walk.  Both problems are much milder now.  Coincidence - who knows.

EatingBeans

In answer to @Cherryfudge , yes, I can probably request an extension to my return to work, (and probably should), but I am loathed to at the moment as I have also submitted an application for promotion! 🤦‍♀️ This will be the fourth time I have applied for the same job, and every time there has been some random reason why I have not got it. The first time was a very rushed application, so was totally fair. The second they withdrew the job due to a restructure. The third, I was deemed the best candidate in the first interview but not good enough in the second - I had a horrendously bad morning where everything went wrong and I felt awful so even I knew I was not at my best. But frustratingly, every time feedback has been that I have all the skills and experience necessary and noone can point to what more I can do, other than do ‘more of the same’. All my peers have been telling me they think I should have the job already, and even my managers have acknowledged that I am more qualified than others they have promoted to that level, so out of pure stubbornness I put my application in again. The only real difference is this time my TN is declared as a disability and I actually asked for this to be considered at the interview stage. 😁 So that was two weeks ago and my application is still listed as ‘in review’ - they normally get back to me within a week. Sure, they may just be consulting HR on how they can safely deny me an interview given my time off (which is listed as disability related), but I actually don’t care. If I do manage to get the job it will be a sizeable pay increase, (which obviously would really help about now), but given previous history I am not expecting to get it. Tbh, they were probably hoping I didn’t see the job while I was off sick, especially as it’s an internal only advert, but they didn’t account for my friends keeping their eyes peeled for me and letting me know! 🤣

The reality is I am not doing too well and more responsibility probably isn’t a good idea (the money would make me take it anyway if offered). The TN is back with a vengeance to the point that I gave up at about 2am this morning and took my medication for it. The depressing thing is, I genuinely thought I was heading for a period of remission and was celebrating feeling like a normal non-medicated person again. I mean, I know the condition is progressive and remission periods get shorter over time, but I only managed a few weeks of no medication and then it’s reached the point where it is too painful not to take it. 😞 Honestly, I want to go around stomping my foot like a toddler screaming “it’s not fair!”. Even more so when people who just feel normal take it for granted and can’t imagine never quite feeling awake. I don’t want pity, but just maybe a tiny bit of empathy that doing ‘normal’ things isn’t so easy for people like me. That doesn’t make me stupid, or of no value, it just means it might be harder for me so I might need a bit of a break. Living life drugged is just no fun. 😕

In more positive news, dd1 and I have been out driving again today (rather than shouting at each other). Whilst we were out, we ventured to Halfords to get a new wiper blade - the car was desperate for one now it has started raining again and I thought I would take the opportunity to teach dd1 how to do it. A nice bonding opportunity over a simple job right…? Er, not quite. So buying the right wiper is now super easy as they now have swanky computers to look your car up - it was a rolodex type affair last time I bought some from Halfords - showing my age. 😬 I pointed out (and actually lol at) the ridiculous offer of fitting for £7, and confidently told dd1 that was completely ridiculous as they are so easy to fit. 🫣 Then we went out into the rain to fit it… After about 10minutes of pushing and pulling and a few choice words muttered under my breath, I gave in and decided to go back in and pay the £7. 🤣 dd1 was stunned because she knows quitting on something so apparently simple is just not in my nature. The lady behind the counter was equally baffled at my suggestion that it was difficult and decided to try and explain how to do it in a bid to save me the £7 (and her going out in the rain). Once I explained that I do in fact know how to change wipers (and have done it on many cars over the years) but I am still struggling and want to actually pay the £7, she reluctantly fetched her high-viz and pottered out with us (with an overly confident smerk on her face I might add!). After 5minutes pushing and pulling, and taking a picture and sending it to a colleague for help, she finally gave in and called a friend to take over! She also tried, gave up, wandered off to get a screwdriver to pry it off, then once she finally got it off she struggled to put the new one on! 🤣 So yes, it did cost me £7, but my gosh it was worth it, and it didn’t half make me feel better about struggling. 😁 dd1 will probably now never attempt to change a wiper in her life, but hey ho. We went to the petrol station and I taught her how to fill up the car instead. 😁

EatingBeans

badmemory said:

Hopefully not spending on takeaways should help reduce your stress & give you a little less to worry about.

I am inclined to agree with you about TN being stress related.  I have a family member who has it & it seemed to start when she had a serious back problem involving the need for an op on her spinal column which if it went slightly wrong could leave her unable to walk.  Both problems are much milder now.  Coincidence - who knows.

I am sorry to hear about your family member @badmemory , I wouldn’t wish TN on my worst enemy and adding spinal surgery on top sounds horrendous. I am she is feeling a bit better now - long may it continue!

satchmo1

Eating Beans, interviewing bods are probably worrying that if you don't get offered this promotion you'll sue them for discrimination!

EatingBeans

I know right! Tbh, it annoyed me somewhat after last time I felt that my TN was being held against me, so this time I wanted them to be forced to take a look at themselves and consider what they are doing a bit more. I don’t like making a fuss and would rather not make a big deal but when I know the people who they have promoted and how much more qualified I am in comparison, I feel it is only fair that they have it pointed out to them a bit. A lot but not all of the managers in the recruiting panel have changed so it may have been a bit unnecessary but I guess it doesn’t hurt (at least in theory). They seem to be taking a very long time with the shortlisting this time and came back today to apologise and say that there was an error with the job description and to let me know that they have added a new element in around managing staff which is now being used as part of the recruitment process. I read that as, in order to justify rejections, they are adding in a new criteria so if you didn’t pre-empt it and add relevant experience in then they can eliminate you before interview stage regardless of whether you actually have the experience! I looked back at my application and have touched on it in passing but mostly left out my relevant experience for that as they asked the format to specifically focus on the criteria given and my cover letter was already 15pages long! Ah well, what will be will be. If it wasn’t for the money, I don’t think I’d have even bothered applying.

In far more exciting news - dd1 passed her driving test today! First time and with just two minor marks. 🎉 She did good. I think I was more nervous than she was! 🤦‍♀️ I mean it is one thing teaching someone to drive, but it is another thing teaching someone to pass the test. I was genuinely worried she might fail and it would be my fault for teaching her the wrong thing. But no, apparently I am just a perfectionist as dd1 said that she thought if I was testing her I would have said she’d failed. 😬 Hey, she will be safer on the road because of all my feedback - that’s how I am seeing it anyway! 🤣
Tbf she does drive better than some people I know who have had their licence for years. But apparently it is not the done thing to critique people who already have a licence. 🤣

I treated us all to a takeaway to celebrate (a worthy cause I felt), and then we spent a good hour searching price comparison sites for the best deal on insurance. Some of the quotes were just insane. And the difference between starting the cover today vs in a week or so, was hundreds of pounds! She was desperate though (and she’s paying), so cover was started today and off to work she has already zoomed. (I got a confirmation pic that she got there in one piece.)

Whilst I am super glad that she has past as I know it will make a massive difference to her life, it has come at quite a cost to my debt balance. 😞 Having looked at the insurance (twice as much as quoted last week), and how much she has coming in, it just isn’t feasible for her to buy the car off me now. And realistically, we are going to struggle to share the car as she is rarely at home, I need to start going into the office more and tbf the dogs and I have massively outgrown it. So, after a chat with my long suffering brother, I have lent the equivalent money from him and I am going to buy myself a cheap van for me and the dogs. I agreed to pay him back £100pm and dd1 is going to pay for all the petrol and insurance on my old car, plus a small amount to me to cover maintenance. I will retain ownership of the car and once she goes off to uni, I will either sell it, or more likely, dd2 will have it. By the time I get it back it will probably be scrap! 🤦‍♀️ So much for my debt getting smaller! 😩

Oh well. Sometimes you have to go two steps back to go forward right?