Help with 'expensive' friends!

twopenny

Your wealthy friends are getting their buzz, boosting their self esteem from talking about their money and flashing the cash. It makes them feel good so they are unlikely to stop.

But while they make themselves feel good it drains your self esteem, makes you feel out of the loop and that's going to take it's toll on your happiness.

You say they are long standing friends but which of them would offer to cancel their hair do if you needed a lift to hospital for tests? Do they pop round for a coffee and a chat because they want to see you?

Been there, still there up to a point. But I had to break away and although I still like their company occasionally I find I'm making new friends who like doing the same things as me and will help out when difficulties hit. It's a whole different world to get some understanding and sharing.

Not quick, not easy. I have met them through various activities. It sounds an odd pilates class that changes people each week. Is there another? Would you consider Zumba, yoga, volunteering at a theater or similar? Have a look at local notice boards and see what's about.

BrilliantButScary

You have been through a big life transition, i.e. Divorce. As you already know, change can be both scary and exciting. Have you thought about having some counselling or lifestyle coaching?, even reading about different approaches can be helpful, when you feel 'stuck' in a situation.

'Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history but not a part of your destiny' Dr Steve Maraboli

To give yourself some breathing space, advise your friends you are doing 'Dry January' and do something different. It doesn't matter what, anything that benefits you, whether it's for your health, your home or for your family.

tealady

Like twopenny I have been in a different group to me financially speaking.
The ones who understood were happy to do cheap nights out and they turned out to be the best friends I have ever had. The rest faded from my life and I now have other (cheap) interests and a wide circle of people who are sort of friends but would step up to the plate if I needed help (as I would do for them)
Dont be afraid to drop these people, no one knows what is around the corner.

TripleH

A lot of 'wealthy' people may well live a lifestyle to match their income. They may be able to afford everything now but struggle if life circumstances change unexpectedly.

I am infuriating because I won't swoon over flash items, but likewise if I say I like something, then people know I do. I think looking at options of expanding your social group  is sensible but I wouldn't ditch your existing network.

Look for a more natural solution, try and find more friends on a similar level and let this other group carry on as normal. If you can't do something, just say.

Real friends will adapt to your circumstances and be aware if you're honest. I also think many will calm down when they refocus on retirement and 'beige kicks in'.

Mojisola

Josie12 said:

Thank you so much. 
yes I have actually told all of them. They carry on anyway. I know they do the odd 'cheaper' outing for my benefit. But still carry on regardless. 

I think by airing this out on here and having physically written it out, I feel its maybe that ive out grown them. My life has changed considerably in the last 4/5 years. maybe it's that and Im using the money as an excuse? 

They aren't real friends - they haven't listened to you, they haven't taken your situation into account when organising get-togethers and they've been sponging off you by splitting the bills five ways!

MikeJXE

Come clean and tell them the truth 

You can't afford this and that and you won't accept charity 

You will find out then that even though they are your friends you might not be their friend 

I'm 84 and have found in life there are friends and there are true friends 

zagfles

The way I and my wife deal with people like this is to simply take the p. If someone says their Porsche door doesn't open in the cold, we'd say something like, "same with our 15 year old Polo". If they say they can't decide which Gucci belt to wear, something like "yeah, I couldn't decide which Primark shirt goes best with my Sue Ryder jeans". 

They'll either find it highly amusing or they'll go red with embarrassment/shame. Or they'll be annoyed that someone isn't fawning over their expensive tat. Either way, you'll feel better and they'll either cut you out, in which case good riddance to bad rubbish, or they'll stop talking about expensive stuff. Or it'll become an ongoing joke you can all laugh about, I have a friend who's into expensive tat who I'll always banter with, eg on meeting I'll say "there's a crease in your trousers - you should sack your butler" and he'd say "didn't you wear that shirt last time" and I'd reply "yeah my other one's in the wash". All good natured banter, people are different, and sometimes laughing at the difference is the best way. 

For meals out etc, just insist you'll pay for your own. No asking, so timidly saying "err is it OK if I pay separately". Just say "I'll pay for my own". A statement, not a request. My wife is really good at this, not because she can't afford it but simply because she refuses to subside other peoples' excessive drinking or ordering expensive meals. It's never been a problem. 

Rosa_Damascena

Josie12 said:

Thank you so much. 
yes I have actually told all of them. They carry on anyway. I know they do the odd 'cheaper' outing for my benefit. But still carry on regardless. 

I think by airing this out on here and having physically written it out, I feel its maybe that ive out grown them. My life has changed considerably in the last 4/5 years. maybe it's that and Im using the money as an excuse? 

Why don't you stick to coffee and cake meetings at your home. Your financial position will be difficult to deny if you are a generous host but cannot afford to switch the heating on.

Slowdown

It does rather sound like things have changed for you but stayed the same for them. That’s hard. 

So, how about declining a certain number of invites by simply saying “I can’t this week” and accepting once in a while? If they want your company and friendship they will keep asking. If it’s all about them, they won’t. 

I have a very small group of friends but I love them dearly and completely trust them. We don’t have huge financial differences but I’m probably in the bottom half of the set. They are kind and caring, supportive and great listeners, all things I care about in a friend. 

Maybe have a think about the true values you need in a friend. Does this group tick all the boxes? If no, then what’s missing and exactly how much time do you want to spend with them?

You will make other friends if you reach out to people. As others have said, find a local group to get involved with. Pop along to a library, community centre etc and see what’s on offer. Maybe a smaller Pilates group in a hall rather than a sports centre or some such will mean more regular people to chat with. 

Social interaction is important and it sounds like you have that with your children and friend an hour and a half away. A day out with that friend will be worth several trips out with the other group. 

lr1277

@Slowdown's comment reminds me of a line from a poem, apparently by an unknown author:

People come into your life for a reason, for a season or for a lifetime

I think I have seen another version of this along the lines of:

Some people will be in your life for a day

Some people will be in your life for a month

Some people will be in your life for a year

Some people will be in your life till the end.

Though i can't remember the end.