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Help with 'expensive' friends!

Josie12
Posts: 38 Forumite


Hi all.
I would really love your help.
My group of friends are shall we say, a little more 'well off' than I am.
They are all married and live wealthy lifestyles, often complaining about their Porche car door not opening in the cold, can't decide which Gucci belt to wear...
Firstly, I am not and never have had the sort of money they have, secondly I am a single Mum with no partner with a second income.
Im self employed, work from home, and receive a little Universal Credit to help.
I have reached a point where I am so drained from trying to 'keep up' with the conversations, let alone try to keep up with 'going out' and going away for weekends, to try and keep within the circle, it is now leaving me resentful and no longer feeling like I want to 'try and keep up'.
I know as you read this, you will think I'm crazy for even trying, but it was down to loneliness that I found myself in this situation.
I have always been a 'cheap and cheerful' kind of girl and they used to be too. I have ben friends with these people for around 15 years, we are now in our forties. My life changed massively through lockdown - I divorced my ex hsuband of 22 years. So this is why my life has turned out differently to theirs.
How do I manage this? How do I break away from people I have known for 15 years, because my life is so different? Whilst they make out they understand - they have no idea what its like to have nothing left at the end of the month, whilst they chat away in the group chat about spending their 50th birthdays abroad next year - and want us all to do it as a group?
Please can any one help? Please be kind
I would really love your help.
My group of friends are shall we say, a little more 'well off' than I am.
They are all married and live wealthy lifestyles, often complaining about their Porche car door not opening in the cold, can't decide which Gucci belt to wear...
Firstly, I am not and never have had the sort of money they have, secondly I am a single Mum with no partner with a second income.
Im self employed, work from home, and receive a little Universal Credit to help.
I have reached a point where I am so drained from trying to 'keep up' with the conversations, let alone try to keep up with 'going out' and going away for weekends, to try and keep within the circle, it is now leaving me resentful and no longer feeling like I want to 'try and keep up'.
I know as you read this, you will think I'm crazy for even trying, but it was down to loneliness that I found myself in this situation.
I have always been a 'cheap and cheerful' kind of girl and they used to be too. I have ben friends with these people for around 15 years, we are now in our forties. My life changed massively through lockdown - I divorced my ex hsuband of 22 years. So this is why my life has turned out differently to theirs.
How do I manage this? How do I break away from people I have known for 15 years, because my life is so different? Whilst they make out they understand - they have no idea what its like to have nothing left at the end of the month, whilst they chat away in the group chat about spending their 50th birthdays abroad next year - and want us all to do it as a group?
Please can any one help? Please be kind
1
Comments
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OK How do you know they are not up to their ears in debt?
It may be them or at least some of them that are living a lie.
It is up to you how you deal with it, keep away from their social media for starters, are they the type who live their life on social media?
Just try and distance yourself slowly from them.If you go down to the woods today you better not go alone.5 -
Are they friends or just mates? I've been in your situation in the past and you soon find out. You have to grit your teeth and say "No, sorry, I would love to but I just can't afford it" and you know what? Your REAL friends who are flush with money will pay for you and not worry about recompense. I've paid those friends back once I got financially stable by inviting them out at my expense but I'm sure if I had never got back on track they would have just continued. I also now pay for friends who are broke to go out with me; but I agree with you, that's because I know what it's like to be broke and can appreciate their situation
Apart from this you perhaps need to make some new friends, join local clubs or societies to find people6 -
Josie12 said:
How do I manage this? How do I break away from people I have known for 15 years, because my life is so different? Whilst they make out they understand - they have no idea what its like to have nothing left at the end of the month, whilst they chat away in the group chat about spending their 50th birthdays abroad next year - and want us all to do it as a group?
Please can any one help? Please be kind
Or just to say 'no' to suggestions of going away together and other expensive things?
If you are closer to one of the people than the others, have you tried to explain to them privately about your circumstances and how you feel within the group?
15 years is a long time to throw away, especially if you don't have another set of friends.
If it's the type of relationship where you go for meals and split the bill, it's time to be honest and say you need to just pay for yourself.
Keeping up with the Jones's is draining - physically, mentally and financially.
5 -
Thank you.
It is really tricky. I dont think any of them are in debt (obviously I dont know this for sure), but there are certainly no signs, as they continue to spend with their husbands who get £20k bonuses.
I cant just unfollow and fade out, these people have been in my life for too long.
I wouldnt let them pay for me, the odd drink is fine but not a weekend away etc.
The problem I also have is that they are big drinkers. So when we get together it's all or nothing (which it never used to be).
The bills are always split into 5, which is really unhelpful, as I dont drink as much as them. it is then really tricky to say I'll only pay for what I have had. So ive now resorted to just not going out.
This morning one of them announced that she is renewing her vowes next year, abroad. Yet something else I wil have to turn down.
I feel so low I dont know what to do1 -
Don't just unfollow them, tell them that now just before Christmas you have a lot on your plate and you have decided to go cold turkey on social media for a few weeks.
Then see what happens, in the mean time as been suggested do something to look for other friends.
Oh and don't believe they can't be in debt, it doesn't matter how much their husbands earn if they spend more than is coming in they will be in debt.If you go down to the woods today you better not go alone.4 -
Grumpelstiltskin said:OK How do you know they are not up to their ears in debt?
It may be them or at least some of them that are living a lie.
Oftentimes people that are genuinely wealthy don't go out of their way to project their wealth onto others (quite the opposite) and personally I find it quite cringey to specifically mention the brand of car when complaining about the door/windows being iced up.Josie12 said:complaining about their Porche car door not opening in the cold, can't decide which Gucci belt to wear
My wife bought a designer handbag for about £3k about a year ago after a long term lusting after one and at the time I think she thought all her dreams would come true and she'd live life in a permanently euphoric state.
In reality the bag now spends most of it's life in a dust bag, due to a combination of buyers remorse and a fear of taking a relatively expensive bag anywhere it could potentially get damaged, or where there is even a hint of rain.
The other thing is once you start focusing on design items, you begin to notice them everywhere when out and about - and she began to found it incredulous just how many people seemingly had designer bags. Obviously the reality is that every group of 16 year old girls or people in tracksuits from sportsdirect aren't walking round with handbags worth several thousands pounds and fakes are extremely commonplace, potentially even more so than genuine articles. I pointed out to her that while she went round looking down her nose at the majority of people convinced that they must be wearing fake items because they're in Lidl or wherever, people may be making the same simultaneous judgement about her when she used her bag. I think it's also quite telling you don't notice this until you have a designer bag (which goes some way to suggest that buying a bag doesn't get you noticed, except by people that are also buying bags to get noticed).
She says she wouldn't buy another, just because there is so many better ways to spend that money. Ironically she uses a cheap nylon bag from Primark that likely cost around £10 bag as her day to day bag, with her designer bag probably seeing the light of day less than 10 times a year.Know what you don't3 -
Oh the expensive things is not really an issue - Ive never been into designer stuff. I think its more the fact that they have the money to buy it all so friverously. Its not really bothered me until my divorce. Me and my ex were never 'comfortable', always struggled. But we struggled together and I guess it just wasnt so much of a thing.
But now, Its just me, feeling like im on the outside.0 -
Look like I said you don't know they have the money to buy it all, you don't know their real financial details.
You have to make your mind up whether you want to be their friend or not.
You may appear to be on the outside because you are the one who is truthful about their finances.If you go down to the woods today you better not go alone.2 -
Josie12 said:Thank you.
It is really tricky. I dont think any of them are in debt (obviously I dont know this for sure), but there are certainly no signs, as they continue to spend with their husbands who get £20k bonuses.
I cant just unfollow and fade out, these people have been in my life for too long.
I wouldnt let them pay for me, the odd drink is fine but not a weekend away etc.
The problem I also have is that they are big drinkers. So when we get together it's all or nothing (which it never used to be).
The bills are always split into 5, which is really unhelpful, as I dont drink as much as them. it is then really tricky to say I'll only pay for what I have had. So ive now resorted to just not going out.
This morning one of them announced that she is renewing her vowes next year, abroad. Yet something else I wil have to turn down.
I feel so low I dont know what to do
Either explain in advance to one member of the group that from now on you'll be paying for your own consumption or announce it to the whole group when you next go out before the drinking starts.
There is no shame in not being able to afford to keep up with other people.
They know your situation.
It's really shame on them that they don't take account of that.
Just practice saying 'sorry, I can't afford to come' when they suggest things that don't fit in with your budget.3 -
Josie12 said:Whilst they make out they understand - they have no idea what its like to have nothing left at the end of the month, whilst they chat away in the group chat about spending their 50th birthdays abroad next year - and want us all to do it as a group?
Please can any one help? Please be kind
Bit of background. I used to work in a well-paid sector, but not in a highly paid job. I was a single parent, 2 kids, no maintenance, no legal aid to get any, saddled with a house I couldn't sell... I worked with a really nice set of people, we socialised and had lunch together etc. They also genuinely thought they understood. But, for example, one day my counterpart (married, no kids, large dog) said I looked tired. I got up at 6, baked, walked the 3 miles to work (no bus, no money anyway) walked back from work and then did everything else. I explained a little of this and she said "Good grief. It's no wonder you're tired. You should hire a cleaner!"🤯
One day, over coffee, everyone was bitching about the energy bills they'd received. One manager commented on the fact that I didn't look too bothered. Had I not got mine yet? Yes, I had. "Then why are you smiling?" "Because this is the first time in over a year that I've seen a bill behind the door and not felt sick before I even picked it up."
After a stunned silence he apologised and said "and here we are bitching. I'm sorry. (Wife) and I haven't always been well-off, but you forget." He went on to describe the situation they'd been in when they first married. And, in fact, they were like FlorayG's friends. If I was invited to dinner and said I'd love to but couldn't invite them back, they said they weren't inviting me to be asked back. I've always been the same with other people, but it was overwhelming to get that treatment back. (I'd bake a cake to have at coffee breaks instead)
Maybe this group is like that. Would they be willing to go to cheaper places to eat? Better yet, could you all start a kind of Dinner Club? One person provides the venue, others provide a course each, others the drinks? It might also solve 'babysitter' problems for some. Do you do other things together that are lower cost? Could you suggest that you all do that sort of thing instead?
DD had the same problem with old school friends, good jobs, professional husbands, super houses with help from well-heeled parents, kids etc. She'd taken a different path. As this became obvious, one of the girls there said "Oh but (DD)'s travelled all over the world, lived in different cultures, worked with all sorts of people, got a MSc. I'm a bit envious, aren't you? We've just done what everyone else does!" If no-one in your group is like DD's friend, it may well be time to become a little more detached, at least mentally.
@Grumpelstiltskin makes a valid point. Some of the group may be pretending they're 'living the life'. A Keeper Up, not a Mrs Jones. They may be equally tired and quietly relieved by your suggestion. I wonder if any of them concentrate on what they have because that's all they have. Whose expectations are they fulfilling - their own or other people's? Are they happy now they've got there?
Find other social outlets with different groups who share common interests - or at least talk about different things as well. I was lucky as I already had such people. As was DD, who's naturally reserved and short on confidence, so she also felt lonely. But she has some friends from school and Uni (and, indeed, her extensive travels) who appreciate difference and know how to deal with it. In the meantime, rather than breaking away completely, why not take the good bits and admit that other things have changed.
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