Help with 'expensive' friends!

Josie12

Thank you so much. 
yes I have actually told all of them. They carry on anyway. I know they do the odd 'cheaper' outing for my benefit. But still carry on regardless. 

I think by airing this out on here and having physically written it out, I feel its maybe that ive out grown them. My life has changed considerably in the last 4/5 years. maybe it's that and Im using the money as an excuse? 

beckstar1975

I have had such similar to the point I barely have any friends now. Difference was I looked back and realised all the times I really needed a 'real' friend (when my mum and MIL were dying at the same time etc etc) none of them checked in in with me, were all just about going for meals out etc. Once I saw things like that it made it much easier to retreat, and I genuinely am happier now. I get the odd invite from them to meet up but I invariably decline as I come away feeling worse about myself not better, and that's not how it should be with friends.

It's tough when you realise but honestly once you accept and withdraw and can just 'be' yourself it's so much better

Tucosalamanca

Good advice on this thread.
Circumstances change, people change, you change.
True friends don't come along too often, probably only a handful in a lifetime, everyone else is just varying degree of acquaintance. It sounds like you're due 'a clear out' and ready to move on to the next phase....

onomatopoeia99

I come at this from the other side in my personal life.  I work full time so have disposable income, my closest friends are on universal credit + PIP due to health issues so they have much less flexibility in their budgets.  Consequence is we usually stay in when we meet, but when we go out together it is usually to 'spoons as it is cheap and you can order and pay independently, so there's no splitting the bill to worry about.

If your friends don't realise they are exploiting you or aren't prepared to do anything about it then they are not friends at all. You might try pointedly asking the staff wherever you go to run a separate bill for you as "you're not drinking".

Sarahspangles

We need something in common with friends, not just history. You don’t have to drop them, just diversify. I’ve recently taken up an interest and unexpectedly found ‘my people’. A lot of my relationships used to be online, because with education and employment I’ve got broader horizons than those of my local friends who haven’t moved away as professionals. It turns out there are other people in this area in the same situation.

I’d be more concerned about your group typically being heavy drinkers. I have friends I thought were ‘having fun’ in their 30s, I was even jealous because after the first drink I have to stop or risk a migraine. Now we’re in our 50s I know how much it’s affecting their health and relationships and actually the dressing up, drinking and being poured into a taxi routine was pretty pointless in the first place. 

Josie12

Thank you for your comments, its so nice to hear from other people. 
We have done the odd 'Spoons' outing, but i hate it in there, full of old drunks. 
So unfortunately, I feel this may be the end of the line with these friends. I have one very very good friend who totally gets everything and is seperate to the friends I am referring too. Ive had a good chat with her, which is always lovely, but she lives an hour and a half away. 

I appreciate all of your comments. It really is helpful to get it all out! 

Flugelhorn

I think it would be worth dropping back a bit, not go to everything and see what happens. The trouble is some people just don't get it - some people think that when someone says they are hard up it means that they just can't afford another holiday or new car etc.
Some people do get it and will do anything to stop others feeling awkward or strapped for cash.

and gosh yes, make sure you find friends who split the bill according to what they actually had - we always used to do that at work events, even though the highest earners actually drank less 

Josie12

Sarahspangles said:

We need something in common with friends, not just history. You don’t have to drop them, just diversify. I’ve recently taken up an interest and unexpectedly found ‘my people’. A lot of my relationships used to be online, because with education and employment I’ve got broader horizons than those of my local friends who haven’t moved away as professionals. It turns out there are other people in this area in the same situation.

I’d be more concerned about your group typically being heavy drinkers. I have friends I thought were ‘having fun’ in their 30s, I was even jealous because after the first drink I have to stop or risk a migraine. Now we’re in our 50s I know how much it’s affecting their health and relationships and actually the dressing up, drinking and being poured into a taxi routine was pretty pointless in the first place. 

Oh my god yes!! I struggle to keep up with them with the drinking, let alone financially! I enjoyed it years ago and dont mind the odd night, like once in a month, but they do it every weekend without fail, husbands and all. Ive reached a point where I get totally anxious about what I say and how ill I will feel the next day! 
But its another reason why i feel outside of the group. 
I have tried the hobby thing, but there arent many places where I live. i love doing pilates, but there is a different set of people every time I go. never can seem to get chatting to the same person twice!

KxMx

meetup.com is a good way to find things locally that you might be interested in, to meet new people. 

thegreenone

I get together with former work colleagues a few times a year.  Five of us can get through two bottles of wine over lunch but the sixth (A) doesn't drink wine at all.  She buys a G&T at the bar when she arrives and we order wine for the table. 

When the Bill arrives, A pays for her food and then the remainder of the bill is split between the five of us left.  It works.

However, it does sound as though you have outgrown this group.