Marriage Failure. Help.

Prothet_of_Doom

It's like you've been sitting on the landing listening to our life. 

My wife just came back collected a few things, said she's staying with her sister until she feels strong.enough to deal with it all and then had a go at me for "Still having a mindset" that she's partly to blame. 

I've just typed a massive text but not sent it. 

I've never been to Andysmansclub but I think tomorrow evening I will. 

Jude57

Prothet_of_Doom said:

It's like you've been sitting on the landing listening to our life. 

My wife just came back collected a few things, said she's staying with her sister until she feels strong.enough to deal with it all and then had a go at me for "Still having a mindset" that she's partly to blame. 

I've just typed a massive text but not sent it. 

I've never been to Andysmansclub but I think tomorrow evening I will. 

Good. Do go to the club, do try to find local support because, and forgive me if I'm wrong, you don't mention close friends and I know that working away so much will have made it difficult to maintain friendships.

I have to ask, what is your wife doing to manage her ME? I'm assuming she has a formal diagnosis, not just Dr Google. There's help available and I hope she's making use of it. If not, if she's not doing all she can to manage the ME, and here I may be being unfair, is it possible she's using it to 'punish' you when you don't do as she wishes? It's just that, from your description, your wife seems able to cope pretty well when she's getting her own way and doing what she wants to do but if she's thwarted, she's incapacitated for days. I've certainly known people who have used their (sometimes completely genuine) disability as a club with which to beat others into submission. Perhaps I'm being uncharitable. I have a dear friend with the condition and she has, until recently, managed to work full time, albeit from home in recent years. She's now, finally, claiming the benefits she could have been claiming for years and can work part-time. I understand that everyone with ME is different but your wife could, and should, be claiming appropriate benefits, if only because as things stand, her National Insurance record for State Pension purposes has a massive hole in it. My friend hasn't been on holiday abroad for over 20 years and short, UK holidays of a few days are all she can manage. She certainly couldn't consider long-haul flights but, as I say, everyone is different.

I'm sure you're worried about how you'd both manage financially if you separate. While it's true that all assets of the marriage including property, savings, pensions, cars would be considered joint, that doesn't necessarily translate into her remaining in the house and you in a bedsit while paying all the household expenses for her. If it came to it, a Judge would want to see you BOTH adequately housed and that doesn't have to mean owning a property each, it could mean each in suitable rented accommodation, especially as your wife would be unlikely to be able to get a mortgage or be able to meet the costs of maintaining a property. It's well worth paying a Family Law solicitor for a consultation on your situation, so that you fully understand where you are and where you're likely to be if you do divorce. I'd echo other posters who recommend relationship counselling, even if you go alone. It could help you think the whole situation through and then, if you do separate, you'll know that you've done all you could. Of course, one person can't save a marriage and its unreasonable to put all the responsibility on one person's shoulders.

For what it's worth, my maternal grandparents had a marriage like yours. They lived together, miserably, in tied accommodation and my grandfather had a job requiring him to be out of the house most of the day, 7 days a week. When he retired, they found a rented home and within 12 months my lovely grandfather had walked out, to live contentedly with my aunt for his remaining 4 years. He never said a bad word about his wife, other than that he should have left years before. The entire family cheered him on because we saw what our Nana was like and, frankly, she was a horrible person whose funeral was barely attended.

Don't be like my lovely Grandpa and wait until retirement. You're entitled to live a peaceful, contented life NOW and, not to put too fine a point on it, you've had a warning with a heart attack already. When I was in a desperately unhappy marriage, someone asked me a question I'd never considered - "don't you WANT to be happy?" And that really resonated with me. It somehow unlocked something and I saw that, actually, there was nothing about my marriage that was ever going to change. I left with nothing but a weekend bag and my dog and although it wasn't easy, at least I was free to find peace and contentment. There's no easy way out of your situation but if you take control, there's a whole different life available to you.

RAS

Andysmansclub sounds great.  There's also an association called Men's Sheds. On the practical side they may not be on your level but it's a good way to meet other men and chew cud. 

Also have an explore of wikivorce. They are good at helping you get to the point where you understand what questions you need to ask and what you can do yourself and where money spent on a lawyer might be a good investment.

I'd suggest avoiding texts. It's just too easy to type something that can be taken a different way.

And maybe ask your parents if you can store essential documents, paper or electronic, as their place. 

If your wife announces she wants a divorce, accept, and advise that you want mediation (you pretty much have to try to do it) as that may allow someone neutral to explain to your wife the realities of any settlement. Also suggest "marriage guidance" explicitly so you can explore how to separate without adversely affecting other family relationships.

She may refuse either or both, but it doesn't look so good for her if it ends up in a fight.

Prothet_of_Doom

It's funny you should say that about texts. 

What I find is that my wife can twist any statement I make verbally to either find and insult that wasn't meant or to use against me in the next part of the conversation. 

I sent myself an email yesterday explaining my problems. I know that her eaction to that will be that I'm always thinking of myself. 

The more I think and type the more I'm convinced it's not where my future lies. 

KxMx

I've had ME for over 22 years (to varying degrees although my baseline is fairly stable). 

From what you've written the only thing that sees her bed bound with it is when you've had an argument, when she is challenged and she hasn't gotten her way.

Not any of the emotionally or physically stressful things she has gone through - such as acting as joint carer to dying parent. 

I hate to say it but just because she is ill, doesn't mean she isn't above using it when it suits her. That is abusive behaviour. Ill people are not necessarily nice people. 

Emmia

Prothet_of_Doom said:

It's funny you should say that about texts. 

What I find is that my wife can twist any statement I make verbally to either find and insult that wasn't meant or to use against me in the next part of the conversation. 

I sent myself an email yesterday explaining my problems. I know that her reaction to that will be that I'm always thinking of myself. 

The more I think and type the more I'm convinced it's not where my future lies. 

Have you looked to see if you can cancel your planned holiday to see your daughter?

I suspect (given your recent posts) that by the time it comes round you may have either decided to separate/divorce (but haven't told your wife) or you've decided to separate/divorce (but have told her). Either way it's going to be a difficult trip for you, however much you'd like to see your daughter.

Exodi

There is an interesting gender phenomenon whereby women are much more likely to initiate divorce than men (it's about 2:1), yet studies show men are much more likely to think about divorce (about 2:1 the other way).

I don't know why men have trouble following through, maybe it's social, maybe it's financial, maybe they worry society is generally more sympathetic to women in a divorce and that they'll invariably be blamed. Maybe a combination of many different things.

Despite knowing this, I am part of this dataset, because my last partner of 10 years broke up with me, which came as a surprise and was despite always feeling like she took advantage of me (I worked full time, paid the bills and did most of the housework - she insisted that she didn't want to work full time or do much housework as that wasn't who she was and I shouldn't want to change her... I think she wanted to be a stay-at-home mum (minus the kids) and her days consisted of going out with friends and watching TV). Despite this, after she announced that she wanted to break up I practically begged her to at least consider counselling, which she curtly refused. Soon after we separated I realised she had been having an affair, which explains the suspiciously sudden 'break down of our relationship' and refusal to work on it. I am still resentful she put all the blame on me for the relationship breakdown.

Fast forward a year and I met someone else and we've now been married for a few years now and expecting our first child at the end of this month. The difference in our relationships is day and night, we've been pretty much permanently in a honeymoon period for the nearly 5 years we've known each other and I can't emphasis enough how much happier I am. I wish my past self knew what a healthy relationship can be like.

My ex actually reached out to me several times before the wedding (she knew I was getting married as my mum still speaks to her and she asks about me) apologising as her new flame fizzled out pretty quickly and suggested we should meet up for coffee and a catch up... ! Also offered an apology for how things ended but suffice to say I declined the offer but thanked her for her apology!

The reason I mention it is because just like you, I was unwilling to take action on the future of the relationship. I am just one of the many, many men who do the same.

I can hardly tell you to do something I couldn't do myself, but with the benefit of hindsight I'd really implore you to make the first move in getting out of this situation. I was fortunate in a strange way she cheated on me and ended it.

The short term turmoil pales in comparison to what your life can be with someone who appreciates and respects you.

Your post in general is quite upsetting to read, and what's even more unfortunate is I'd imagine you would advise someone else posting this thread that they shouldn't want to stay miserable.

Hope you resolve it one way or another.