Marriage Failure. Help.

kimwp

Worth reading up on the sunken cost fallacy. Don't worry about throwing away the last 30 years, they are already gone, there is nothing of those to throw away.

Unless you and your wife have discussed the situation and committed to working on a better relationship, then your options are continue indefinitely like this or change it. Stop hoping and start acting. Work out what you want eg not to be hurting each other in your relationship, to have good relationships with your children, maybe to know in your heart you did the right thing by your wife and make steps to achieve those aims.

elsien

Your children are adults. They’ve got a pretty good idea of what your relationship is like. If they were going to turn again against you, would they not have done it by now?

I think you both need to ask yourselves why you are still together? because you can look at trying to save the marriage if you both want to, but there has to be something there worth saving. And the length of time you’ve been together, on its own isn’t enough. 

It’s not the same, but there are some similarities with a relative whose marriage imploded a couple of years ago. He wasn’t happy but didn’t realise how unhappy he was until his wife told him she wanted a divorce and he started again. He’d had all the plans that you mention what they were going to do in retirement, although being slightly emotionally illiterate he hasn’t realised how bad the difficulties were. So I do think maybe some of it is to do with coming to terms with the life that you had planned no longer being there, which is very different to having the strength of feeling in a relationship that means you want to salvage it.

This is your version. You acknowledge your wife will have a completely different version. The truth probably lies somewhere in the middle. That matters less though than what the both of you want in the future. And feeling permanently on probation is not a sustainable way to be going on. 

Also, if things are difficult, it doesn’t have to be you who leaves the house for some breathing space given that she has family literally  round the corner. 

For what it’s worth my relative was very difficult to live with. He still has a close relationship with his children now they are through the other side  because  he’s a lot less stressed, he’s nicer to be around and his children can see that he and their mother are both happier now than they were before. It’s not all sweetness and light because life isn’t, but I just wanted to let you know that this doesn’t have to impact on your long term relationship with your children. 

Prothet_of_Doom

Apart from.the fact that I have to leave the house to go to work, that's all very strongly worded. And scary 

MattMattMattUK

Prothet_of_Doom said:

Apart from.the fact that I have to leave the house to go to work, that's all very strongly worded. And scary 

Many people find change scary, uncomfortable, difficult, that does not mean that the change is not the best solution, it is far worse to continue to suffer. Do you want to look back in 34 years time and wonder why you let yourself be abused for seventy years, or do you want to look back and think about how pleasant the last three decades have been? Your choice.

gwynlas

Change need not happen today as we head towards Christmas which is emotional for nany
Your planned holiday in January could still go ahead and maybe you would have the chance to discuss things with your daughter,
Meanwhile you could be making plans to end the marriage and this in itself might make you feel stronger and more able to deal with the domestic turmoil knowing it is time limited.

Prothet_of_Doom

Based on the text message exchange, this morning, I think it's probably not salvageable anyway. 

carly

You will both be happier apart. And so probably will your adult children who will have experienced this toxic relationship and suffered from it.  .  Get out now whilst you can still make a decent life for yourself.  

Emmia

https://www.mensaid.co.uk/

Given the violence (the smashed picture) in your first post, I'd have a bag packed, ready to leave.

SkylineExplorer

Sorry to hear you're going through this,
it sounds incredibly tough. Counseling, either together or individually, might help you navigate these challenges and find some clarity.

Wishing you strength

Mands

Going on your original post two things seem clear to me:

* Firstly, you've collectively had a lot going on in recent years
* Secondly, despite a really long marriage you don't communicate well

and the second is the key here, because the first is true for lots of us particularly during these last few years and as we get to the age where both parents and peers have crises and need help. 

But what you are describing is a communication pattern where there is point scoring and finger pointing and criticism and blame, none of which is ever dealt with. A new issue arises, there's a difference of opinion in how it should be dealt with and then there's name calling and laundry lists of past mistakes being hauled out to re-inforce how wrong someone is now because look at all these other times they've made a mistake too. Suddenly a pointed comment about who left the bathroom light on is derailed by the reference to the slightly off-colour comment made to Aunt Sylvie at a Christmas party 17 years ago. And you go around and around until you both slink off to different parts of the house, or the world, until you can tolerate being in each other's company again ... but you never actually talk about what happened rationally. 

This is not healthy and it doesn't have to be like this! But you would both need to recognise that you have developed these ingrained bad habits and work towards changing them. Even if you do separate then fixing this problem would allow you to have a civil relationship going forward which would make family gatherings pleasant rather than a thing to be endured. 

Have you thought about talking with a professional, either as a couple or alone, about all of this? In particular your communication habits, which are, frankly, at the heart of the issue here.

Also: hugs. It sounds like you could do with them right now.