Marriage Failure. Help.

Prothet_of_Doom

I've been absent from MSE for a good while but this is the only place I can put my problems into words and get advice which I'll probably ignore. 
So the context. Married in 1990  now 57 years old, 2 grown up kids and one grandchild.
There has always been trauma in our relationship. My wife could be described as prone to anger. (She would deny this) 
Wife has suffered from ME chronic fatigue since 2006 (or maybe earlier) 
I was made redundant from a job I hated in 2009 and to pay the mortgage I went contracting (I have some specialist engineering skills) and ALL this work for 11 years was away from home, until 2020 when for obvious reasons I was without work for a while, the pandemic and the stress caused our relationship to show cracks.
There was a point in 2018 when she had a cancer scare where we reached a real low. I believe she took all her stress and worry out by being horendous and she believes that I was a complete !!!!!! and her version is now history. Later in the year she visited a solicitor and I had to plead with her to reconsider. Every time she is upset this is brought up. 
Anyway back to June 2020 at which point I had a heart attack and if it wasn't for her quick thinking I'd be dead. 
I was then.working from home and she moved in with her parents to nurse her dad providing 24 hour palitive care for three weeks, with the help of her sister and carers. I was not allowed in the house but was the shopper. The person that brought things to the door. This gave her what I believe to be PTSD  her dad died. Her mum.moved in with us, but decided to move back home. In Jan 21 she became ill and was rushed into hospital with suspected covid. This was very stressful for my wife and eventually the hospital sent her home to die. She had heart failure in reality and my wife moved back in with her sister and sister family to nurse her. They didn't realise she was going to die. But 4 weeks later she did. The whole thing was horrendous and its obvious to me that she's still suffering. 
Still the contract that allowed me to work from.home was ending, Everything else on offer was inside IR35 and I was offered a permanent job on a good salary 120 miles away, so I took that believing that my 4 nights away could be justified by the money it was bringing in. 
Anyway, our relationship in that time was strained. I get very defensive when criticised and we end up screaming at each other. This makes her loose 2 or3 days because of the ME. 
Nothing ever seems to be resolved though. Eventually I realised I needed a job closer to home and to be honest on a lower salary we are still better off. 
There have been numerous lost weekends where some stress or other has caused a massive bust up, but always I'm.left conceding that it's all my fault. 4 weeks ago the stress was her sister nearly dying and being moved in for my wife to look after her. I made sure that any food or supplies were provided. 
At some point I was treated like !!!!!! by both of them .... they would deny this but they wouldn't listen to my point of view and I snapped at both of them. This was 2 weeks ago. My wife pretty much lost 3 days after this due to exhaustion. 
We had last weekend with my son and his family and it was really lovely apart from.the constant undercurrent that I am clearly on probation and my opinions are lies. 
Then I had 2 days off work, one because I knew she'd be shattered and the other to visit my parents as my dad's been diagnosed with terminal cancer. She's always had a poor relationship with my family due to my mother and sister being quite rude in the past.
Anyway there was no angst. It was a lovely day. 
On Friday I was working from.home and made sure that she was able to get up and go out with a friend, but she came back exhausted. Now this is a typical fall out. We were in bed. She's exhausted and I'm drifting off to sleep and she's too hot. Can I find her a thinner nightie. I wasn't that helpful initially because I really didn't want to move. This was the start of all the !!!!!! of the last 24 hours. 
Due to that reluctance to move to help.her she went off on one and insisted I sleep in the spare room. 
Fine. So Saturday morning she's exhausted but I make sure she's got breakfast in bed and then she changes the plan. Instead of wrapping Christmas presents I'm to drive her to the woods. 
Soon as we are out of the car, she's telling me what I did wrong Earlier in the week, and then starts to talk about "my behaviour on Friday night. 
I'm not allowed to explain that actually I was having trouble processing her problem, and Anyway it was her that insisted o sleep elsewhere. At this point it's a repeat of every other agreement always when she's exhausted. Everything I've ever dine wrong in the last 20 years is brought up  
Cut a along story short. I ended up screaming at her in the car. I'm nit proud of this, but I snapped. I've spent every bit of spare time making sure she has enough energy to have a life.  I enable her having a life and she's accusing me of making her ME worse. 
Got home and it got worse. The whole day was like a war zone. At one point she took a picture of us off the wall and smashed it on thd floor. 
She's telling me I have to leave, she's going to divorce me, she hates me because I've broken up her family and then goes to her sisters (about 200 yards away around the corner). There's a level of anger and vitriol I've never seen. 
Anyway I'm just not sure what lies in store. 
I probably should just pack a bag. I have nowhere to go and I feel very alone. I can't share this with my parents as they have their own !!!!!! to deal with. I have no friends to talk to. Its all just !!!!!!. 

Emmia

I think you've put up with / taken a lot and to be honest on this situation I'd have left a long time ago. It doesn't sound like there's a lot of reciprocal love and mutual care here. 

It's worth going to see a solicitor about a divorce, but that divorce (I'm assuming your wife doesn't work / has no income / private pension provision) is likely to end up costing you 50% of everything.

In the meantime if you can afford it, I'd move out (can you stay with your son or your parents for a bit? - you will probably need to be candid about the situation) to get some space and perspective. I'd stop being a carer for your wife - it's harsh, and I don't doubt she'll struggle (if you divorce you'd not be caring for her presumably... so she'll need to get used to this) but I think you're probably also almost at breaking point mentally.

I'd also head over to wikivorce.

The best of luck to you.

Prothet_of_Doom

Parents live 2 hours away in one direction.
Son lives 2.5 hours away in another 
Daughter is currently in SouthEast Asia with her partner and will be back in April. That's the other thing we have 2 weeks holiday booked to see them in January. £5k down the drain then ? 
I've looked at local hotels and could stay for 40 quid a night.  Between now and Christmas it would only be 8 nights if I went to my parents at weekends and worked from home one day a week. 
I don't see myself as a carer. Yes I make most of the meals and try to entertain her when she's low, but that's what you do, if someone is exhausted  
My wife does not work and has never claimed benefits.  She obviously thinks that she's morally entitled to the house and all our savings and half my salary. I think she's delusional although have never said what i think a fair split would be. A divorce solicitor told me in 2018, that she'd have to either claim benefits or get a job. I've never mentioned that. We have a BTL with no mortgage and that makes up a 1/5 th of our income. 
If the tenant moved out I could live there. But I'm.not about to make anyone else homeless. 

But that's not the point. I don't want it to be over. 

Although maybe it is. 

kimwp

What part of your marriage do you not want to end? 

Emmia

Prothet_of_Doom said:

Parents live 2 hours away in one direction.
Son lives 2.5 hours away in another 
Daughter is currently in SouthEast Asia with her partner and will be back in April. That's the other thing we have 2 weeks holiday booked to see them in January. £5k down the drain then ? 
I've looked at local hotels and could stay for 40 quid a night.  Between now and Christmas it would only be 8 nights if I went to my parents at weekends and worked from home one day a week. 
I don't see myself as a carer. Yes I make most of the meals and try to entertain her when she's low, but that's what you do, if someone is exhausted  
My wife does not work and has never claimed benefits.  She obviously thinks that she's morally entitled to the house and all our savings and half my salary. I think she's delusional although have never said what i think a fair split would be. A divorce solicitor told me in 2018, that she'd have to either claim benefits or get a job. I've never mentioned that. We have a BTL with no mortgage and that makes up a 1/5 th of our income. 
If the tenant moved out I could live there. But I'm.not about to make anyone else homeless. 

But that's not the point. I don't want it to be over. 

Although maybe it is. 

Your wife isn't going to change, however much you might want her to change.

So, all you can do is decide whether you're ok with the current situation and carry on as you are, or that you want something different.

That different  something could be divorce, it could be (initially) separation, which might lead to divorce or it might reset the relationship and lead to you getting back together. I think it's interesting that you've seen a solicitor about divorce already.

Why don't you want this relationship to be over? Are you ashamed that it would say you'd have failed in someway? Do you think you'd be alone? Your parents and children wouldn't speak to you? Do you think you deserve how you're being treated by your wife?

It might be worth having some time to talk to a counsellor about this to try and unpack your thoughts and feelings, your hopes, fears, and what ifs.

Prothet_of_Doom

kimwp said:

What part of your marriage do you not want to end? 

The one where I pretend it's all fantastic and that I've never caused any pain or sadness and where I've never felt those things.  
We have had good times, but honestly they seem fleeting glimpses where the stars aligned just for a moment. 

How is it possible to feel like this?  Angry at myself angry at her, dejected, rejected, misunderstood, to feel.such a failure and so alone, to feel guilt and yet defiant. I feel such pain. Pain I have caused and pain caused to me. 

Prothet_of_Doom

Emmia said:

Prothet_of_Doom said:

Parents live 2 hours away in one direction.
Son lives 2.5 hours away in another 
Daughter is currently in SouthEast Asia with her partner and will be back in April. That's the other thing we have 2 weeks holiday booked to see them in January. £5k down the drain then ? 
I've looked at local hotels and could stay for 40 quid a night.  Between now and Christmas it would only be 8 nights if I went to my parents at weekends and worked from home one day a week. 
I don't see myself as a carer. Yes I make most of the meals and try to entertain her when she's low, but that's what you do, if someone is exhausted  
My wife does not work and has never claimed benefits.  She obviously thinks that she's morally entitled to the house and all our savings and half my salary. I think she's delusional although have never said what i think a fair split would be. A divorce solicitor told me in 2018, that she'd have to either claim benefits or get a job. I've never mentioned that. We have a BTL with no mortgage and that makes up a 1/5 th of our income. 
If the tenant moved out I could live there. But I'm.not about to make anyone else homeless. 

But that's not the point. I don't want it to be over. 

Although maybe it is. 

Your wife isn't going to change, however much you might want her to change.

So, all you can do is decide whether you're ok with the current situation and carry on as you are, or that you want something different.

That different  something could be divorce, it could be (initially) separation, which might lead to divorce or it might reset the relationship and lead to you getting back together. I think it's interesting that you've seen a solicitor about divorce already.

Why don't you want this relationship to be over? Are you ashamed that it would say you'd have failed in someway? Do you think you'd be alone? Your parents and children wouldn't speak to you? Do you think you deserve how you're being treated by your wife?

It might be worth having some time to talk to a counsellor about this to try and unpack your thoughts and feelings, your hopes, fears, and what ifs.

I don't want to have the last 34 years thrown in the bin. 
I'm not scared of being alone.  I'm sure in time I'd be happy and secure. 
My children would be turned against me. 
I don't want my wife to hate me. And that's the last thing she said to be of any consequence. 

Prothet_of_Doom

https://youtu.be/cOBAH-2tw9k?si=Rov3TpIXurNA2q-I

Funnily enough this song springs to mind. 

Emmia

Prothet_of_Doom said:

Emmia said:

Prothet_of_Doom said:

Parents live 2 hours away in one direction.
Son lives 2.5 hours away in another 
Daughter is currently in SouthEast Asia with her partner and will be back in April. That's the other thing we have 2 weeks holiday booked to see them in January. £5k down the drain then ? 
I've looked at local hotels and could stay for 40 quid a night.  Between now and Christmas it would only be 8 nights if I went to my parents at weekends and worked from home one day a week. 
I don't see myself as a carer. Yes I make most of the meals and try to entertain her when she's low, but that's what you do, if someone is exhausted  
My wife does not work and has never claimed benefits.  She obviously thinks that she's morally entitled to the house and all our savings and half my salary. I think she's delusional although have never said what i think a fair split would be. A divorce solicitor told me in 2018, that she'd have to either claim benefits or get a job. I've never mentioned that. We have a BTL with no mortgage and that makes up a 1/5 th of our income. 
If the tenant moved out I could live there. But I'm.not about to make anyone else homeless. 

But that's not the point. I don't want it to be over. 

Although maybe it is. 

Your wife isn't going to change, however much you might want her to change.

So, all you can do is decide whether you're ok with the current situation and carry on as you are, or that you want something different.

That different  something could be divorce, it could be (initially) separation, which might lead to divorce or it might reset the relationship and lead to you getting back together. I think it's interesting that you've seen a solicitor about divorce already.

Why don't you want this relationship to be over? Are you ashamed that it would say you'd have failed in someway? Do you think you'd be alone? Your parents and children wouldn't speak to you? Do you think you deserve how you're being treated by your wife?

It might be worth having some time to talk to a counsellor about this to try and unpack your thoughts and feelings, your hopes, fears, and what ifs.

I don't want to have the last 34 years thrown in the bin. 
I'm not scared of being alone.  I'm sure in time I'd be happy and secure. 
My children would be turned against me. 
I don't want my wife to hate me. And that's the last thing she said to be of any consequence. 

Can I ask how you see retirement given the current situation, when you'll be together 24/7? It can't be far away.

What your future is, or is not comes down to your own choices. To stay? (accepting things will never change) to go? (in the hope of a better future). 

Edit, how would you advise a friend in this situation?

Prothet_of_Doom

It may not be my choice. 
I'd always imagined with more time in retirement we could support each other in our interests 
Or I could be Richard Bucket 

MattMattMattUK

Prothet_of_Doom said:

It may not be my choice. 
I'd always imagined with more time in retirement we could support each other in our interests 
Or I could be Richard Bucket 

Make it your choice!
Do not leave the house, start divorce proceedings and move forward from there.

Reading your post you have suffered more than three decades of abuse, gas lighting, possibly coercive control and probably a lot more. Do you really want to spend the next 30-40 years being abused, walking on egg shells and treated as a source of funds to maintain someone else's lifestyle?

Prothet_of_Doom said:

Emmia said:

Prothet_of_Doom said:

Parents live 2 hours away in one direction.
Son lives 2.5 hours away in another 
Daughter is currently in SouthEast Asia with her partner and will be back in April. That's the other thing we have 2 weeks holiday booked to see them in January. £5k down the drain then ? 
I've looked at local hotels and could stay for 40 quid a night.  Between now and Christmas it would only be 8 nights if I went to my parents at weekends and worked from home one day a week. 
I don't see myself as a carer. Yes I make most of the meals and try to entertain her when she's low, but that's what you do, if someone is exhausted  
My wife does not work and has never claimed benefits.  She obviously thinks that she's morally entitled to the house and all our savings and half my salary. I think she's delusional although have never said what i think a fair split would be. A divorce solicitor told me in 2018, that she'd have to either claim benefits or get a job. I've never mentioned that. We have a BTL with no mortgage and that makes up a 1/5 th of our income. 
If the tenant moved out I could live there. But I'm.not about to make anyone else homeless. 

But that's not the point. I don't want it to be over. 

Although maybe it is. 

Your wife isn't going to change, however much you might want her to change.

So, all you can do is decide whether you're ok with the current situation and carry on as you are, or that you want something different.

That different  something could be divorce, it could be (initially) separation, which might lead to divorce or it might reset the relationship and lead to you getting back together. I think it's interesting that you've seen a solicitor about divorce already.

Why don't you want this relationship to be over? Are you ashamed that it would say you'd have failed in someway? Do you think you'd be alone? Your parents and children wouldn't speak to you? Do you think you deserve how you're being treated by your wife?

It might be worth having some time to talk to a counsellor about this to try and unpack your thoughts and feelings, your hopes, fears, and what ifs.

I don't want to have the last 34 years thrown in the bin. 

That is firstly a sunk cost fallacy, secondly why would you want to spend the next 34 years being abused worse than the abuse you have experienced over the last 34 years, finally there seems a bit of Stockholm syndrome on there.

Prothet_of_Doom said:

My children would be turned against me. 
I don't want my wife to hate me. And that's the last thing she said to be of any consequence. 

So do not let her turn them against you. They are adults, sit down with them and explain the situation, that you cannot survive the abuse you are being subjected to. The chances are they will already know and have experienced some of it themselves.

Your wife can choose to hate you or not, that is on her, but at the moment she seems to hate you despite you doing everything you can for her, the only difference is you are subjected to abuse whilst she hates you, where as if you divorce she can hate you from a distance.

You deserve better.