Little money, one child, another on the way and nowhere to go

Loretta

MyUserNamesTaken wrote: »

Barbie, contact women's aid now. You are being abused by this man. His treatment of you is not acceptable. You have grounds to divorce him - unreasonable behaviour (mental cruelty). As for the council, if you are forced to leave your home due to domestic abuse, and go into a refuge, the council will have to help you with housing. As said, contact Women's Aid.

Sorry, VB...I don't believe this man's behaviour and demands are down to him wanting to control the family budget. If anything his behaviour shows that he is trying to control the OP by taking away any means she has of supporting herself financially. By demanding control of the money, he's effectively making it very hard for her to leave him. This is ALL about control. If she doesn't give in to his demands, he throws a strop and stays in a strop until she does give in. In many cases where this happens, it's the first step on the slippery slope to physical violence. The OP's partner is punishing her for not being a "good little girl" and doing as she's told. The balance in this relationship is totally and completely wrong, and is not good for the OP, her unborn child or her daughter. This man obviously seems to live in the dark ages in regards to women's right, etc. He won't change. Her only option is to divorce him, as he's not capable or willing to do the things needed to make her feel happy. If she stays, how long will it be before he starts to fill her daughter's head with crap about women being in their rightful place? She owes it to herself and her kids to do something about this situation now.


Barbie...the fact that you've posted here shows that you still have the strength to do something about this situation. You are strong. Believe in yourself and your ability to make the most of your life. Don't judge your friends so harshly, either. You've been hiding things from them, so can't really say for certain that they'd turn you away if you told them what's going on. You've mentioned that you're church goers. Talk to your Minister about what's going on...see if the church can help you. Whatever you do, do not suffer alone. You don't have to...there are people there who can and will help you if you talk to them.

and don't forget to speak to your midwife, health visitor, they are trained to watch out for this sort of thing and would know how to help you and who to contact. You may be coming over as able to cope and efficient. They will have heard all this before and will know exaclty what to do and to do it fast

Loretta

I forgot to say you have done it once you can do it again. Lots of sources of help on here, tomorrow is a 'normal' day use the phone and find out everything and get some help as fast as possible

You can do it, keep posting we all want to help

I hate bullies and this man is defintely a bully

Barbiegirl_2

Thank you everyone. I had very little time to read the Womans Aid website. My husband went to fetch his car and was gone 4 hours. I played with our little girl and cleaned the house. What a busy day. The baby has only moved a few times. Going to try a drink something very coldor something warm and sweet and have a long bath hopefully that is going to help. I asked him after dinner to bath our little girl which he is doing. He showed me a list of bills today and to cover it all I need to transfer 80% of my salary? I do 100% of all the housework while working part time, looking after our child and our dog whilst not feeling 100% in my health. I have also written on his printout that I want help with the housework. I don't want him saying no all the time!

We came to live in England from South Africa a few years ago. I have made a few friends as mentioned but I promise you NONE of them would be able to offer us any sort of help. That sounds harsh I know but it's the truth. I have been upset today but for tonight I am just focusing on the baby. Loretta I am a Christian and me and the little one go to Church two Sunday's a month. My husband has come with us before but he doesn't always. Our Pastor is very nice but I'm just a bit shy talking to them again when they know everything about the initial seperation and all the problems that followed.

I will try not to worry to much about the Mortgage. I found some details today and if it were to be changed to interest only I would have to find £621 every month? It's very steep. Right now on repayment we pay £755.00. If I were to take this route I will need to get a fulltime job fairly soon after the baby to afford it. My current employers do not need more than 25 hours a week which is what I currently work.

Hope all your dreams for 2008 come true. Best wishes.

JoJoB

If you don't mind me asking how much would you be looking at in mortgage penalties if you sold now? And how much would that eat into your profit?

Only ask because 5 years is an awfully long time to have a financial tie to a mean-spirited control freak - I think I would rather take a cut in profits and leg it! I am selling my flat this year with £2000 in redemption penalties - weighed up the cost of putting off what i want to do against the financial loss and decided I would rather live my life. and put up with a cut in profit.

vansboy

Not sure trying to sell & all that it entails, would be wise - think you'd end up with lots fees/costs & then be spending as much on rental, if you weren't careful.

& it wouldn't happen overnight, anyway.

Does he work extra long hours, or spend ages to travel to work, then use this as reason to not pull his weight in cleaning/housework. It is for him to do some stuff, most couples share!!

In our house - no kids though - I shop, clean house, wash up, look after cars & Debbi makes food (I'm incapable!!) does washing & ironing & messes the place up, for me to clean again!!

So it is shared & we both have to earn our keep!!

VB

kittiej

I just wondered, and perhaps I missed some details, but is your account in your sole name or joint names?

If it is in your sole name then he has no right to have your cards, come to that I don't think he has much right if the cards are in joint names either.

nzmegs

I agree that you need to get your husband to leave the house and then do everything in your power to ensure the mortgage is covered. He will be obliged to give you some money each month and i am sure that benefits will also help. But my concern is - just how do you get him to go? What legal rights do you have to get someone to leave their own (shared) home if there is no physical abuse at present.

My situation is so similar to yours. I am from another country with few friends (although there is one I could rely on) my husband is british with family here. I also work 25 hours per week and am expected to do all the shopping, cooking, most cleaning, all the washing and all the ironing. But unfortunately i never do any of these well enough and find myself being told i am messy and untidy and half-a**ed about everything...fact is i am too tired. We have two children, my husband works full time hours but is self employed and so can set his own hours and can take extended holidays. over this current holiday break he has slept in past midday at least 6 or 7 times and stays up late every night. He takes it for granted I will be there for our two children. by the time he gets up the day is mostly gone. the only thing he does and does well is all the diy but he only does that because he loves doing it and of course while he does it i once again watch the kids....
I am finding your thread very interesting and i hope that by sharing my woes you might feel at least that soemone else totally understands your problems. Good luck and please keep us informed of how you are coping.

floss2

Barbiegirl wrote: »

He showed me a list of bills today and to cover it all I need to transfer 80% of my salary?

So if you cover all the bills, what is he spending his money on? A partnership should be on equal footings - especially where money is concerned....Maybe he will sit down & show his income, and then you can work out a fair balanced share of the bills for both of you, bearing in mind your income will drop when you start your maternity leave.

:grouphug:

Floss x

izoomzoom

Hi Barbiegirl

Just wanted to say a hello from a fellow countryman. :hello:

Lots of folk have given you practical advise on the financial / housing side of things, but I do understand that being a foreigner, it is really difficult to connect with people here, and make friends and that lack of emotional support really does make things so much harder. I can't really offer anything more that anyone else hasn't already, but if you want to PM, please feel free.

Is you husband under a lot of financial strain - is that why he is so intent on getting your cards etc, or do you believe that he is trying to 'control' you ???

B

Barbiegirl_2

Hi everyone, it just feels like he is trying to control me. My sleep is suffering and I am struggeling with daily things. What hurts me the most is his lack of interest in the baby. Today I had to go to hospital for a monitoring because the baby wasn't moving and did he come? Of course not!

It's really awkward in our house. I'm just keeping to myself, going to work and cleaning. He has moved into our spare bedroom. My little girl is a bit confused by it all but what can I do.

Will keep you updated.

Thanks again.