Little money, one child, another on the way and nowhere to go

Barbiegirl_2

Hello,

I have woken up once again at 02:00 am so I will try to be brief. I was apart from my husband for almost a year. Things were going wonderfully and we decided that I move back to our family home. Of course during this time I became pregnant and the baby is due in a few weeks. Very sadly for a few weeks now it's all fallen apart. I can't think of another way to put it. I am still working part time in my job but I'm finishing at the end of January (I hope) so that will mean a drop in income also.

I'm stressed beyond recognition. I wake up most mornings and worry about our lives in this house. I hate myself because my little girl hears us argue and shout at each other. She is only 4 years old. A mentioin of seperating yet again has already been made. I have very little family in the UK and of the friends I have made I can honestly say that none would be willing or able to help us out. I know this is no one elses problem but in my situation where do I go and what do I do? My husband has already said that if he moves out (last time it was me), then he won't pay the mortgage. I can't get my head around this - what man no matter how much he despised or hated his wife would put her and the children at rist of being made homeless???

Since being back a few months and especially this last month he has been saying that he wants my bank cards from me. I don't buy luxuries of any sort the salary I get goes towards the groceries, a little daycare and everything our little girl needs. He doesn't understand this and feels if he has my cards I can't spend on them. I'm now waiting for a bank statement so I can show him!

This time last New Years Eve it was just me and the little one. For today a friend has invited us to there house for some dinner etc. I'm worried about going together as everyone will know there is something wrong. I just can't be bothered to play happy families anymore. It hurts a lot that my husband really isn't interested in the baby. I went to a checkup on Friday and although he was on leave didn't bother to attend. I'm petrified of what the stress, crying and sleepless nights are doing to the baby nevermind my own sanity. I have heard that premature births can also be linked to personal problems? or is this not true. I feel for my little girl as he has not been very patient with her. Yesterday she cried when he yelled at her because she turned the TV off. I like all parents are also guilty of telling our kids off but the tone of his voice even scared me! This is the first time he has ever taken leave to look after her. It's always been up to me and I have this year had a week or two unpaid as well. She started school in September and except for one day he took her swimming as I can't fit in a costume at this time. He has told me that he is not going to help around the house or anything. I didn't know what sciatica was until this pregnancy but even though I have it I am still doing everything. We have stored our first childs clothes in the loft as she has outgrown them and I don't know what we are having but wanted to reuse the white, green, yellow and cream things for the time being. He will not go up there to get them for me. This poor little child doesn't have anything really and that makes me really sad.

Apologies for rambeling on. Hope you can direct me anyway. Thanks.

iamstacie

Hi Barbiegirl, sorry to hear what you're going through, I can't really offer any advice, but if you haven't already seen http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=583182 this thread then its worth a read, especially kisto's post detailing all the different websites you can go to for help incl the CAB, entitledto.co.uk, CSA etc.

Sorry I can't be of more help, the boards tend to get busier around 8-9am so more people will help you then. Good luck for the New Year (& New Start!)

x

iamstacie

Just realised the thread linked to above doesn't have the CSA website, so if you haven't already looked, here it is - http://www.csa.gov.uk/

JoJoB

What a horrible situation Barbiegirl. have you guys tried the Relate/counselling route by the way? Or has it gone beyond that now?

You mustn't play happy families in front of your friends today. You need support, advice and a bit of rallying round. They would hate to think of you sitting on this when there might be something they can do to help. And you must get legal advice asap so you can plan a bit for the future and find out exactly what it is within your power to do (and which of his threats are empty and you can ignore).

If he is being unreasonable and ridiculous don't go banging your head against a brick wall, just take the steps appropriate for dealing with it. Don't get drawn into a stressful argument with him which is going to make you and baba feel even worse. Just get a good solicitor, because appealing to OH's better nature just isn't going to work at the moment. Sounds like he is frustrated and angry at things going tits up again and the focus for his anger is you. So don't engage with his behaviour, just start getting outside help. He is being selfish and ridiculous at a time when you need the most support. So accept it - this is how he is. It's heartbreaking and awful, but accept it and get what you need form another source - your friends and the relevant legal agencies. If you try to make him "be" the way you want him to be you are creating yet more stress for yourself.

You are worth much much more than this.

Barbiegirl_2

Hi JoJoB, we did a marraige course through Church a few years ago. We also went to Relate for a few sessions this year. After a few he decided we didn't need anymore even though we were taking turns paying for them he didn't like parting with the money. Well that's what I think anyway. Thank you for replying.

pinkshoes

Could you not sell the house and split the equity 50/50, then you can use your half to rent somewhere for you and your daughter, or maybe buy a small house or flat for the 2 (almost 3) of you? You'll be entitled to at least half the equity, especially if you will be looking after the kids.

You can't go on living like this, as it's unhealthy.

Could you not go and stay with your family whichever country they live in? If it's a country where another language is spoken, a 4 year old should easily pick it up in school.

Barbiegirl_2

I know what you mean about it not being healthy to stay here. The house cannot be sold for another 5 years because of huge mortgage penalties. I didn't go to my friends house. I just texted her to apologise for not turning up at the last minute. I came home from work today and our house is an absolute tip. I asked him to vaccume but he didn't. He is now even more angry at me because I didn't go with. But I just said that I didn't want to play happy families anymore. I know this is a really bad start for 2008 and right now I am living but not existing?? Does that make sense.

I phoned the council today to find out about housing allowance or whatever it's called and the lady said I wouldn't stand a chance because I have a house with a mortgage. The only way to do it would be for me to sign the house over to him????

skintas_2

i hated being pregnat all the rows about money, being tired.. its like men cant cope , mine coulndt............. good luck in 2008 and with the baby

Mollymop5

Do you have local housing around your area? council housing? If you do ring on Wednesday and ask to make an appointment with a housing officer.Talk things through with them and see if you can be put on the housing list.It means leaving your house but this could be the better option.A solicitor will then tell you your options once you have seperated.
The more you tell the housing officer thae better it will be for you.Houses are allocated on a points system so the more information they have then the better.I was like you once and decided to get out.I made the appointment got put on the housing list and took the first offer of housing they offered me.I wish you well for 2008.

elaine373

Hello, I would urge you to ring the citizens advice bureau as soon as you can. I was also wondering if your situation comes under emotional abuse. Therefore you could try to get some advice from womens aid.0808 2000 247. You need to know what your rights are. They will give you the advice you need. Sorry i cant be of more help. Keep strong, look after yourself and god willing you will turn your life around.Its a difficult time of year because of shut offices etc but hopefully in a few days you will get the advice and help you need. All the best.

Bun

Hi Barbiegirl, can't give much advice I'm afraid but sending hugs (( )).
Regarding the effect of stress on the baby, my family suffered an entirely unexpected bereavement when I was 11 weeks pregnant, and I was extremely worried about the effects of stress on the baby. I have kept my midwives and doctor informed as to what has been going on and how I feel and have been coping (I also have a three year old ds), and as far as I can tell, as long as I let it out (either by crying or in my case, it seemed to make me hellishly sick) it is better for the baby, and I'm sure the body kind of takes over. I'm sure that your baby will be fine.

Look after yourself and your little girl, and I hope things improve soon.

Bun