Little money, one child, another on the way and nowhere to go

nearlyrich

I split with my ex when I was PG with my DD I was about 6 months, I found out he was seeing someone else, he was also a bully and emotionally abused me for years before this. My DD was fine although I did go into premature labour and had to spend a few weeks in hospital and I lost a lot of weight as I couldn't eat it just made me sick. Similar thing happened to a close friend and she delivered a healthy baby too, babies are remarkably resilliant, they will take the nutrients they need from you.

Have you got a friend who can go up in the loft to get your baby things? That is just nasty refusing to get them for you...

If you split up he will have to pay child support and if you can't afford to keep the house and pay the mortgage with or without his help you can sell it and rent privately, you will get help with this. Don't feel you have no choices I thought I was in a bad place with a baby, 6 months PG but 20 years later I know it was the best thing I could have done.

Look after yourself and get some advice soon from CAB and get your life back on track. All best wishes for 2008.

vansboy

Hi Barbiegirl,

Think this is the first response from a bloke & hope that's OK.

So sorry to read of the situation & I'm sure the Moneysaving girls can have a much better idea of how you are feeling, I can only guess.

The one thing I can't see in your message (I'm not having a go!!) is you havn't said WHY he's being like this, what his reason/escuse is.

I guess you've asked him, but has he given a proper or even slightly understandable, to you anyway, what his, or the both of you, actual cause is?

Like I say, if you have the reason, then that's a start, to see what can be done to sort things.

Hard to do & easy for me to say, but if you COULD get it out of him, rather than just a row, it'd be a start. & if it was something that you were happy to post, I'm sure everyone would try to help.

& do take up the kind offer of your friend for chance to get out, if only for a few hours of not being stuck in the house, with the bad 'air'.

Some more hugs for you & the li'l un & the new one, too.

VB,

Barbiegirl_2

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts. Vansboy, he is annoyed at me because I won't give him my debit cards. So because of this he told me lastnight that from this month I am to transfer a percentage of my salary to our joint account. I don't mind contributing in anyway but he doesn't understand that my salary already goes into the house for everything we need and that of our little girl. I know if I hand over my cards than he will have control over me and if and when the situation is so bad that I have to go the same day I won't have any money? He doesn't like not being in charge of everything so to speak. I have probably made myself worry more by reading on the Internet about babies born to stressful/depressed mothers. I can seriously effect the childs nervous system if not worse. I am scared to death of anything being the matter. Everyone has been commenting that I am so small this time and my tummy is very small. First time around I was twice the size and had a huge belly. I have had be to be monitored in hospital some days because of the baby not moving? I told him to stop stressing me out and making me cry and you know what he said? He said I do it to myself! He doesn't want to be responsible if anything happens to me or the baby at this crucial time!

I suppose in some ways I am angry that one year later I am back where I was! No better off and I was foolish to believe that he had changed! I'm such an IDIOT.

Happy New Year 2008. Will keep you updated. x

Morglin

Barbiegirl wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts. Vansboy, he is annoyed at me because I won't give him my debit cards. So because of this he told me lastnight that from this month I am to transfer a percentage of my salary to our joint account. I don't mind contributing in anyway but he doesn't understand that my salary already goes into the house for everything we need and that of our little girl. I know if I hand over my cards than he will have control over me and if and when the situation is so bad that I have to go the same day I won't have any money? He doesn't like not being in charge of everything so to speak. I have probably made myself worry more by reading on the Internet about babies born to stressful/depressed mothers. I can seriously effect the childs nervous system if not worse. I am scared to death of anything being the matter. Everyone has been commenting that I am so small this time and my tummy is very small. First time around I was twice the size and had a huge belly. I have had be to be monitored in hospital some days because of the baby not moving? I told him to stop stressing me out and making me cry and you know what he said? He said I do it to myself! He doesn't want to be responsible if anything happens to me or the baby at this crucial time!

I suppose in some ways I am angry that one year later I am back where I was! No better off and I was foolish to believe that he had changed! I'm such an IDIOT.

Happy New Year 2008. Will keep you updated. x

Sorry to hear of your problems, and would agree that the CAB should be your next step.

If you need legal advice, then these people can point you in the right direction:

http://www.clsdirect.org.uk/

And, if you need any advice about housing (even as an owner), then SHELTER are excellent:

http://england.shelter.org.uk/advice/index.cfm

Women's Aid:

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010008&itemTitle=If+you+or+a+friend+need+help

Your maternity nurse may also know of organisations that can help you.

Lin

vansboy

Hi Barbie

Thakns for coming back to us again!

What you say about the stress n stuff affecting the new baby, don't think I'd dwell on that too much - everyone will have some sort of hassle & stuff going on, at this stage, despite how rotten it is, for mum, most babys seem to put up with it OK !! I'm sure your midwife & doctors will keep an eye on things anyway, so no worries, really, there!

As for him wanting the cards,,,well thinking positivly, maybe, just maybe, he thinks this is the way to control the family budget (rather than control you), but hasn't gone about it the right way?

If he does want to be with you & you him, of course, the finances do need to be under some sort of plan, as much as they can be.

If you are OK with putting all the income together, then working out what you had, what you needed & what you wanted, each week, you'd be a bit nearer being able to work something out.

It's awkward to have MY £$£ & YOUR £$£$ at this stage of the relationship - although he must realise that you do need some £$£$ in your purse, for 'just in case' purchases.

Him taking it all from you & not saying how he expects you to buy anything isn't going to help either of you.

So if you do want to try & sort the finaces, there's loads tps on budgeting, here on the site.

& personal help from the other female Moneysavers will be with you, as soon as you ask!!

Do please keep us updated & whatever happens with the 2 of you, don't forget to make sure YOU are OK!!

VB

MyUserNamesTaken

Barbie, contact women's aid now. You are being abused by this man. His treatment of you is not acceptable. You have grounds to divorce him - unreasonable behaviour (mental cruelty). As for the council, if you are forced to leave your home due to domestic abuse, and go into a refuge, the council will have to help you with housing. As said, contact Women's Aid.

Sorry, VB...I don't believe this man's behaviour and demands are down to him wanting to control the family budget. If anything his behaviour shows that he is trying to control the OP by taking away any means she has of supporting herself financially. By demanding control of the money, he's effectively making it very hard for her to leave him. This is ALL about control. If she doesn't give in to his demands, he throws a strop and stays in a strop until she does give in. In many cases where this happens, it's the first step on the slippery slope to physical violence. The OP's partner is punishing her for not being a "good little girl" and doing as she's told. The balance in this relationship is totally and completely wrong, and is not good for the OP, her unborn child or her daughter. This man obviously seems to live in the dark ages in regards to women's right, etc. He won't change. Her only option is to divorce him, as he's not capable or willing to do the things needed to make her feel happy. If she stays, how long will it be before he starts to fill her daughter's head with crap about women being in their rightful place? She owes it to herself and her kids to do something about this situation now.


Barbie...the fact that you've posted here shows that you still have the strength to do something about this situation. You are strong. Believe in yourself and your ability to make the most of your life. Don't judge your friends so harshly, either. You've been hiding things from them, so can't really say for certain that they'd turn you away if you told them what's going on. You've mentioned that you're church goers. Talk to your Minister about what's going on...see if the church can help you. Whatever you do, do not suffer alone. You don't have to...there are people there who can and will help you if you talk to them.

vansboy

MyUserNamesTaken wrote: »

Sorry, VB...I don't believe this man's behaviour and demands are down to him wanting to control the family budget. If anything his behaviour shows that he is trying to control the OP by taking away any means she has of supporting herself financially. .

I know what you're saying, but I'm just trying to look on things from as fair a point of view, of, as I said, they MIGHT be!

I did say that it's IF Barbie wants him around, then there is chance of sorting things out.

& IF the family budget, like so often it IS £$£$ causing the problem, then, comparitivly speaking, there is a way to sort it.

I do hope Barbie does have someone to talk to, rather than just us typing our bits of input - there must be a friend close by to you Barbie?

The help groups as mentioned are a good source, of course, but you will have to consider soooooooo many options, it's best to try & get things straight, in your own mind first.

If it is just £$£$ & him trying (not the right way though) to sort it. Or if he is being vindictive & no intention of giving you any control over the £$£$

Please post again, Barbie.

VB

annie123

what ever you do:

dont leave the house

I've been there, seen it read the book etc

You will not be evicted.


If you decide to seperate take the following action:

• let/get him to go.
• is the property owned jointly owned? make sure you have the mortgage account number and lender details
• then get intouch with your local benefit agency
• then the csa
• then the mortgage company if you have access to the details
• inform your tax office and employer
• change the locks
• find your local gingerbread group for support.

I did this before the csa existed, but have supported friends for their break up since.

If you intend to return to work after your small person is born you will get tax credits in addition to csa, one friend of mine has more money coming in now than she did when she was married! and thats working 2 days a week with childcare costs for 2.

You will not be evicted because you have children under 5. same as I did.
The mortgage company agreed after many months of letters, to turn the mortgage into an interest only mortgage, which just left the interest to find, and housing benefit paid this as I was a single mum and ex was not paying.

Took me a couple of years and ds too get a bit older to get my act together but I did it, ex and I sold the house after lawyer arranged splitting excess after all costs and repayments back to bank. This left me with enough as a deposit for my own home.

You will be able to do something similar in 5 years or so, from what you have written.

If you split up its difficult enough without making the 3 of you homeless.
Life is too short to spend it with someone who is wrong for you.
Its not fair on any of you including your partner.

Good luck, look after yourself, hugs to you:grouphug:

vansboy

Sounds pretty sensible, what Annies saying!

VB

Schamansky

Another bloke's 2p's worth.

The way it appears from what has been described to us in the original post, it seems that the man in question is trying his hardest to hold the OP to ransom.

How? Through threatening not to contribute to the existing mortgage liabilities in case of a split up. The possible consequences of such a refusal are clear, and dire. This is blackmail in its clearest form. It is unacceptable.

The debit cards issue is a collateral to this. It's obvious that someone is attempting to enforce a position of total financial and material control over his spouse, a position in which he can totally hold his spouse to ransom. This entails instrumentalising the children, holding them hostage, so to say. And that is the most unacceptable thing of all.

Those who call abuse, such as MUNT, margaretclare and others, are right.
This man is blackmailing his spouse in order to attain total power and control. And it appears that he doesn't give a #### on what is going to happen with the children.