My ex-wife asked for money for a School Trip but already received significant support. Was I right?

NKrypt

FlorayG said:

I don't see how any stranger can advise on this. There are so many different things involved. We don't know why you split up, what the difference is in earnings, how much you spend on your daughter when she is with you, what treats your ex provides for her, loads of things that would affect any decision. Then in the end it's your money and your conscience and not anyone else's
I'm curious though, how was the trip  limited to certain children only? I agree that's wrong in principle

Also understand it’s hard to advise. I think really I’m just looking at what people say and I’ll take it all into account. I’m firmly in the “no more money unless it’s emergencies camp”.

It is important to me fairness in our family. It cannot be fair that one daughter receives everything over the other simply because we are separated. That doesn’t seem right to me.

If my ex wife used the money wisely and prioritised our daughter this money would stretch and there would be no issues.

Flugelhorn

NKrypt said:

Basically it’s a trip for Year 8/9 (so 300 pupils in the year) limiting the trip to 40 people. It’s part educational to Belgium war memorials but also to Disneyland Paris for a day.

Priority being given to good attendance and behaviour. Ironically our daughter has 95.5% attendance because mum took her out of school for a holiday (we opted not to do that).

So sadly she may miss out either way and the likelihood all her friends can go is slim.

what an odd trip - I do wish if schools want to reward good behaviour and attendance then they should do something that doesn't cost £££ - local schools used to take those with the most form credits out bowling and scoffing burgers, it enough of a privilege and they had a great time.

Sounds like most will miss out and also likely that those going won't be with their friends anyway 

Pollycat

There's a couple of things that I find odd:

NKrypt said:

I feel that my ex-wife is abusive, states I do the bare minimum and also throws what I earn in my face because it’s more than what she earns (CMS told her). I also harbour guilt about my decision despite this. My ex wife always asks for money when she can, uniforms etc even though I know she spends a lot on expensive and long holidays and doesn’t take out daughter away. She also bought Taylor Swift tickets and didn’t take our daughter (to the shock of everyone I know).

NKrypt said:

For additional context my ex has said she’s not struggling at all and what I give is enough.

Which is curious because why is she asking for more if she is already adequately covered?

It is very curious.
Have you referred her back to the latter statement when she asks for more money?

NKrypt said:

I know she spends a lot on expensive and long holidays and doesn’t take out daughter away. She also bought Taylor Swift tickets and didn’t take our daughter (to the shock of everyone I know).

NKrypt said:

FlorayG said:

I don't see how any stranger can advise on this. There are so many different things involved. We don't know why you split up, what the difference is in earnings, how much you spend on your daughter when she is with you, what treats your ex provides for her, loads of things that would affect any decision. Then in the end it's your money and your conscience and not anyone else's
I'm curious though, how was the trip  limited to certain children only? I agree that's wrong in principle

Basically it’s a trip for Year 8/9 (so 300 pupils in the year) limiting the trip to 40 people. It’s part educational to Belgium war memorials but also to Disneyland Paris for a day.

Priority being given to good attendance and behaviour. Ironically our daughter has 95.5% attendance because mum took her out of school for a holiday (we opted not to do that).

So sadly she may miss out either way and the likelihood all her friends can go is slim.

The bits in bold are contradictory.

NKrypt

Flugelhorn said:

NKrypt said:

Basically it’s a trip for Year 8/9 (so 300 pupils in the year) limiting the trip to 40 people. It’s part educational to Belgium war memorials but also to Disneyland Paris for a day.

Priority being given to good attendance and behaviour. Ironically our daughter has 95.5% attendance because mum took her out of school for a holiday (we opted not to do that).

So sadly she may miss out either way and the likelihood all her friends can go is slim.

what an odd trip - I do wish if schools want to reward good behaviour and attendance then they should do something that doesn't cost £££ - local schools used to take those with the most form credits out bowling and scoffing burgers, it enough of a privilege and they had a great time.

Sounds like most will miss out and also likely that those going won't be with their friends anyway 

Agree I can’t for the life of me understand it. When families have to spend already a lot of money to take their children in holiday time (with the additional school holidays tax) it’s curious they opted for a trip to Disneyland (and make it exclusive).

Maybe it’s supposed to be an incentive for those with good behaviour and attendance but then some of those won’t be able to afford it anyway.

NKrypt

Pollycat said:

There's a couple of things that I find odd:

NKrypt said:

I feel that my ex-wife is abusive, states I do the bare minimum and also throws what I earn in my face because it’s more than what she earns (CMS told her). I also harbour guilt about my decision despite this. My ex wife always asks for money when she can, uniforms etc even though I know she spends a lot on expensive and long holidays and doesn’t take out daughter away. She also bought Taylor Swift tickets and didn’t take our daughter (to the shock of everyone I know).

NKrypt said:

For additional context my ex has said she’s not struggling at all and what I give is enough.

Which is curious because why is she asking for more if she is already adequately covered?

It is very curious.
Have you referred her back to the latter statement when she asks for more money?

NKrypt said:

I know she spends a lot on expensive and long holidays and doesn’t take out daughter away. She also bought Taylor Swift tickets and didn’t take our daughter (to the shock of everyone I know).

NKrypt said:

FlorayG said:

I don't see how any stranger can advise on this. There are so many different things involved. We don't know why you split up, what the difference is in earnings, how much you spend on your daughter when she is with you, what treats your ex provides for her, loads of things that would affect any decision. Then in the end it's your money and your conscience and not anyone else's
I'm curious though, how was the trip  limited to certain children only? I agree that's wrong in principle

Basically it’s a trip for Year 8/9 (so 300 pupils in the year) limiting the trip to 40 people. It’s part educational to Belgium war memorials but also to Disneyland Paris for a day.

Priority being given to good attendance and behaviour. Ironically our daughter has 95.5% attendance because mum took her out of school for a holiday (we opted not to do that).

So sadly she may miss out either way and the likelihood all her friends can go is slim.

The bits in bold are contradictory.

Sorry I should clarify. She’s taken our daughter away on holiday but only after I started giving £700pm and that was in term time (to save money). So she’s been away once in about 6-7 years abroad with her. Meanwhile her mum has had numerous expensive holidays abroad.

My ex-wife is often unfortunately contradictory, she says it’s expensive but then says she’s comfortable for money.

I don’t understand it either.

RAS

From the point of view of your daughter, I'd try to avoid comparisons with her mother.

If your daughter asks you to pay, remind her that you have already paid for x holiday and y events. And then leave it.

NKrypt

RAS said:

From the point of view of your daughter, I'd try to avoid comparisons with her mother.

If your daughter asks you to pay, remind her that you have already paid for x holiday and y events. And then leave it.

Thanks that’s a good point of view. I think just keeping it simple is the best policy. No over explanations or detail.

We do X and that’s all we can afford right now.

sheramber

She has threatened as well to be emotionally manipulative and tell our daughter that she paid for the trip (and I didn’t).

Why shouldn’t she pay?

If your daughter mentioned that I would explain that you already  give her mother money each month  which is enough to cover the cost of the trip.