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My ex-wife asked for money for a School Trip but already received significant support. Was I right?

Hi MSEs

A long post for context so please bear with me.
I’m the NRP for our daughter, for context I have her 85d year and most of the school holidays. We always take her on a family holiday each year go on plenty of trips, she gets clothes, presents etc and is very well looked after.

I pay CMS on top of that with £700pm. Her mum receives child benefit and in my eyes should be contributing half towards the care of our daughter so at least another £300pm making total support around £1100pm (which is ample).

Recently there was a school trip (£800) it was part educational but also a trip to Disneyland and is fairly exclusive with only 1in9 children eligible to go. I take exception to both of those things.

Our new baby boy is due in November (it’ll be my partners first and my second) so we’re saving a lot to make sure we get quality time off next year and won’t have troubles at all. We want to do nice things without having to skrimp. I also have dental work which will cost £2,500. I’m selling things to try and pay for it.

My ex asked for a contribution of half to the trip. I have refused and said she received ample. Although I understand that CMS is not supposed to cover extras I feel that I already contribute significantly to our daughter’s upbringing. I also don’t consider it fair to keep on putting more and more in to support her when we have another on the way especially at this time. My daughter will of course still receive all the things she needs whilst she’s with us because I’m mindful that she isn’t feeling left out. (We will still do separate activities from baby).

I feel that my ex-wife is abusive, states I do the bare minimum and also throws what I earn in my face because it’s more than what she earns (CMS told her). I also harbour guilt about my decision despite this. My ex wife always asks for money when she can, uniforms etc even though I know she spends a lot on expensive and long holidays and doesn’t take out daughter away. She also bought Taylor Swift tickets and didn’t take our daughter (to the shock of everyone I know).

My current partner supports my decision and believes my ex to be selfish and a nightmare 

So my question is two-fold:

1) Am I right to stand by this difficult decision?
2) How do I deal with demands for money in the future?

I am concerned that the money is being wasted and she will just keep coming back for more and not using the money wisely. £1100pm plus extras is a significant amount of money and this doesn’t include things like saving for the future etc.

I posted this in Reddit which was a mistake without some context and was lambasted as a terrible father but I should have expected it.

Thanks for being patient and reading my story.
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Comments

  • NKrypt
    NKrypt Posts: 9 Forumite
    Third Anniversary First Post
    For additional context my ex has said she’s not struggling at all and what I give is enough.

    Which is curious because why is she asking for more if she is already adequately covered?

    She has threatened as well to be emotionally manipulative and tell our daughter that she paid for the trip (and I didn’t). Despite the fact that she will have received £8,300 in financial support from me (not including all the extras). I’m obviously now concerned about parental alienation but I’m thankful I have a good relationship with my daughter right now that will probably survive it.
  • FlorayG
    FlorayG Posts: 849 Forumite
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    I don't see how any stranger can advise on this. There are so many different things involved. We don't know why you split up, what the difference is in earnings, how much you spend on your daughter when she is with you, what treats your ex provides for her, loads of things that would affect any decision. Then in the end it's your money and your conscience and not anyone else's
    I'm curious though, how was the trip  limited to certain children only? I agree that's wrong in principle
  • HampshireH
    HampshireH Posts: 4,680 Forumite
    Seventh Anniversary 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    I think from what you have written you are providing for your daughter.

    I would argue a trip to Disney land isn't an educational trip and is a nice to have which you can't afford at this time. If CMS have deemed 700 the right amount (which is high compared to a lot of people's payments) then this should be including things like school uniform, clothes etc.

    I wouldn't expect school trips to be factored in though. 

    Personally I would pay school trip money to the school directly and not the mother if and when you contribute to those and only once you have had confirmation your daughter is accepted on them. Most require a deposit so on proof you could pay the school direct. 

    Your ex doesn't need to hear ahout the new partner the baby of what they are costing you. It's just fueling her wanting more (could be jealously) but the more you disclose around it the more she can use to upset your daughter etc

    Probably just best keeping it factual. " I can't afford to contribute to this trip this year"


  • Tony5896
    Tony5896 Posts: 48 Forumite
    10 Posts First Anniversary
    On the first issue, your daughter, your responsibility splitting with the mother or having another child doesn’t stop that.


    On the issue of the ex spending on expensive things, pay the bare minimum in cms and then you spend the rest on your child directly. 






  • marcia_
    marcia_ Posts: 2,483 Forumite
    Fifth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
     IMO you already pay child support and some extras so nothing else is due. It is the mother's responsibility to budget for such things as trips out of the money she receives from you and any benefits. Also it's ok for both of you to say you can't afford it. Plenty of kids don't go for the same reason. 
  • prowla
    prowla Posts: 13,617 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    The question is do you want your daughter to have experiences beyond the day-to-day items covered by maintenance.
  • NKrypt
    NKrypt Posts: 9 Forumite
    Third Anniversary First Post
    FlorayG said:
    I don't see how any stranger can advise on this. There are so many different things involved. We don't know why you split up, what the difference is in earnings, how much you spend on your daughter when she is with you, what treats your ex provides for her, loads of things that would affect any decision. Then in the end it's your money and your conscience and not anyone else's
    I'm curious though, how was the trip  limited to certain children only? I agree that's wrong in principle
    Basically it’s a trip for Year 8/9 (so 300 pupils in the year) limiting the trip to 40 people. It’s part educational to Belgium war memorials but also to Disneyland Paris for a day.

    Priority being given to good attendance and behaviour. Ironically our daughter has 95.5% attendance because mum took her out of school for a holiday (we opted not to do that).

    So sadly she may miss out either way and the likelihood all her friends can go is slim.
  • NKrypt
    NKrypt Posts: 9 Forumite
    Third Anniversary First Post
    I think from what you have written you are providing for your daughter.

    I would argue a trip to Disney land isn't an educational trip and is a nice to have which you can't afford at this time. If CMS have deemed 700 the right amount (which is high compared to a lot of people's payments) then this should be including things like school uniform, clothes etc.

    I wouldn't expect school trips to be factored in though. 

    Personally I would pay school trip money to the school directly and not the mother if and when you contribute to those and only once you have had confirmation your daughter is accepted on them. Most require a deposit so on proof you could pay the school direct. 

    Your ex doesn't need to hear ahout the new partner the baby of what they are costing you. It's just fueling her wanting more (could be jealously) but the more you disclose around it the more she can use to upset your daughter etc

    Probably just best keeping it factual. " I can't afford to contribute to this trip this year"


    I agree. I’m going low contact now.

    I will converse on arrangements for our daughter, school and education and any emergencies, anything around her emotional needs but beyond that money-wise it’s now a no.

    Absolutely agree they’ll be no more sharing anything at all with her from now on and relatively little contact. The only time we are ever normally contacted is over money - there’s never any discussion about anything else so it’s pretty clear that’s all she is interested in.
  • NKrypt
    NKrypt Posts: 9 Forumite
    Third Anniversary First Post
    prowla said:
    The question is do you want your daughter to have experiences beyond the day-to-day items covered by maintenance.
    She already does. The £700pm should cover anything in that time. She’s been clear that she can afford the trip on her own and what she receives is generous.

    We treat our daughter in our time, at weekends.

    I fought for her in court but she was taken away. I have offered to look after our daughters needs if she’s unable to meet them and she’s too expensive.

    Naturally she turned down the offer and also to go to a family based arrangement rather than CMS.
  • mr_stripey
    mr_stripey Posts: 847 Forumite
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Posts Name Dropper
    In a similar (not identical) situation myself. 
    I share 50/50 custody (if that's the right word) of my kids with my ex wife.

    That being the starting point, there is no maintenance payment either way and we earn broadly the same each.

    For things like school trips I'd say 50/50 is fair, providing you both can afford it and want her to go.

    I guess the maintenance payment covers day to day living expenses etc. School trips I would say are an extra and cost should be shared.

    Just my opinion though, and there could be lots of other variables at play.
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